first year - Feb. 13, 2014 - Feb. 13, 2015
I've continued with a monologue a day until the spirit moves me to stop, so if you have any ideas for a monologue you want me to write, please let me know at tigerteam1@gmail.com.
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For a list of the titles and blurbs from each day, click here There are now over 600!
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How to Write a Monologue in 10 Easy Lessons (Well, maybe not so easy)
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Monologue Mania Day #651 Put a Lid on It by Janet S. Tiger Nov. 24, 2015
Put a Lid on It!
by Janet S. Tiger
(c) 2015 all rights reserved
(A woman in her fifties enters carrying a suitcase which she puts on a table. She turns to the audience and smiles)
You are all so sweet to ask me here to tell about my unusual hobby!
Well, it all started when I turned 57. Not 56, but 57. I had never had the urge to save anything. I am actually in the business of organizing people to discard their junk - my company is called, appropriately GROIT - or Get Rid Of It!
So you can see I have spent most of my life de-cluttering people - their overstuffed homes, their disgusting garages and revolting storage units. I have worked with thousands of people and never has the urge to hoard.....I mean save......overtaken my rational brain.
But then, on my birthday last year, which is, coincidentally, tomorrow, I mean, my birthday last year was not tomorrow, my birthday this year is tomorrow, but last year.......oh, now I'm very confused, this is what started happening......I had this....(she shudders)....uncontrollable urge to save......a lid.
You heard me....a lid. It was an innocuous beginning.....the lid of my special sauce jar....the sauce I get from an odd little store.....the lid fell on the floor and I stepped on it, and it actually dented or twisted or something! But the finale was that I could no longer put the lid securely onto the sauce jar.
And this was extraordinarily upsetting, as I love that sauce, and the sauce might dry up if the lid was not on properly! So what could I do? In deep distress, I searched diligently for an alternate - please do not even consider the idea of some.....(shudders)...Saran Wrap! No, the sad truth....the truth that I had just recently discarded the jar and lid from the previous purchase overwhelmed me with a sense of terrible loss!
Had I saved that previous lid - now I would not have this serious, earth-shaking problem! So the solution presented itself in the strangest way.....I decided ,...in a definitely conscious mode....that I would now, forevermore.....save one lid from each jar I used.
Easy/ Simple......logical...or so one would presume.......but then, after saving, oh, ten or fifteen lids from the assorted jars.....one from the strawberry jam, another from the aforementioned sauce.....(with delight) .....one from sauerkraut....that's a big one!
Yet another from baby food....one of my weaknesses - peaches baby food with M&Ms - in the fridge, unbelievable! And the strangely shaped lids! So they accumulate.....and then I realize, what if that one lid I had saved....(horrified)...was defective! And I went to use that lid, discovering it was defective only when it was TOO LATE. The moment of discovery was almost....sexual...... I felt like that Jacuqueline Susann - One Lid Is Not Enough!
So I decided that ....just to be EXTRA CAREFUL I would save TWO lids.......only two, mind you, because more than that would be.....almost like.....(frightened, hissing)....almost like hoarding.......
But it's not hoarding when it's organized.....
(She opens the suitcase and removes several boxes.....of lids)
I started with just a few lids in a drawer....then I needed a box, and then they filled the entire drawer, and my husband suggested.....in a rather rude and obnoxious way, I may add, that I take the lids and THROW THEM OUT!
But I couldn't do that to my little friends......I mean lids....
(She holds them lovingly and touches some to her cheek)
There, there, pretty lid.....some of them are so adorable! They are designed like artwork! And I just like to make them happy!
(She holds up the lids and their little holders, oohing and aahing over them)
Now I realize there are others who have to tell about their hobbies, so I will go, but first - any questions?
(She listens and laughs)
This suitcase? I brought it because these are my favorites, but I can come back next week with the others!
(She holds up the other side of the suitcase and we see the number 173, she turns to leave, stops, looks back)
And for those of you who judge me.....let's see what you think next time YOU need a lid! (Happy) Then you.... can put a lid on it!
(She exits with the suitcase......case closed)
You are all so sweet to ask me here to tell about my unusual hobby!
Well, it all started when I turned 57. Not 56, but 57. I had never had the urge to save anything. I am actually in the business of organizing people to discard their junk - my company is called, appropriately GROIT - or Get Rid Of It!
So you can see I have spent most of my life de-cluttering people - their overstuffed homes, their disgusting garages and revolting storage units. I have worked with thousands of people and never has the urge to hoard.....I mean save......overtaken my rational brain.
But then, on my birthday last year, which is, coincidentally, tomorrow, I mean, my birthday last year was not tomorrow, my birthday this year is tomorrow, but last year.......oh, now I'm very confused, this is what started happening......I had this....(she shudders)....uncontrollable urge to save......a lid.
You heard me....a lid. It was an innocuous beginning.....the lid of my special sauce jar....the sauce I get from an odd little store.....the lid fell on the floor and I stepped on it, and it actually dented or twisted or something! But the finale was that I could no longer put the lid securely onto the sauce jar.
And this was extraordinarily upsetting, as I love that sauce, and the sauce might dry up if the lid was not on properly! So what could I do? In deep distress, I searched diligently for an alternate - please do not even consider the idea of some.....(shudders)...Saran Wrap! No, the sad truth....the truth that I had just recently discarded the jar and lid from the previous purchase overwhelmed me with a sense of terrible loss!
Had I saved that previous lid - now I would not have this serious, earth-shaking problem! So the solution presented itself in the strangest way.....I decided ,...in a definitely conscious mode....that I would now, forevermore.....save one lid from each jar I used.
Easy/ Simple......logical...or so one would presume.......but then, after saving, oh, ten or fifteen lids from the assorted jars.....one from the strawberry jam, another from the aforementioned sauce.....(with delight) .....one from sauerkraut....that's a big one!
Yet another from baby food....one of my weaknesses - peaches baby food with M&Ms - in the fridge, unbelievable! And the strangely shaped lids! So they accumulate.....and then I realize, what if that one lid I had saved....(horrified)...was defective! And I went to use that lid, discovering it was defective only when it was TOO LATE. The moment of discovery was almost....sexual...... I felt like that Jacuqueline Susann - One Lid Is Not Enough!
So I decided that ....just to be EXTRA CAREFUL I would save TWO lids.......only two, mind you, because more than that would be.....almost like.....(frightened, hissing)....almost like hoarding.......
But it's not hoarding when it's organized.....
(She opens the suitcase and removes several boxes.....of lids)
I started with just a few lids in a drawer....then I needed a box, and then they filled the entire drawer, and my husband suggested.....in a rather rude and obnoxious way, I may add, that I take the lids and THROW THEM OUT!
But I couldn't do that to my little friends......I mean lids....
(She holds them lovingly and touches some to her cheek)
There, there, pretty lid.....some of them are so adorable! They are designed like artwork! And I just like to make them happy!
(She holds up the lids and their little holders, oohing and aahing over them)
Now I realize there are others who have to tell about their hobbies, so I will go, but first - any questions?
(She listens and laughs)
This suitcase? I brought it because these are my favorites, but I can come back next week with the others!
(She holds up the other side of the suitcase and we see the number 173, she turns to leave, stops, looks back)
And for those of you who judge me.....let's see what you think next time YOU need a lid! (Happy) Then you.... can put a lid on it!
(She exits with the suitcase......case closed)
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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315
JanetSTigerMonologueMania.blogspot.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
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