Thursday, February 28, 2019

Monologue Mania Day # 1827 -1828-1829-1830-1831-1832-1833 Tales From the Crib (a one-act) by Janet S. Tiger (c) for Feb. 25, 26, 27, 28, March 1, 2, 3, 2019

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free* monologue a day- -and still going!

Today is Day # 1827-1833    To look at the other titles - click here

  first   year - Feb. 13, 2014 - Feb. 12, 2015   - now in year 6 !      
I've continued with a monologue a day until the spirit moves me to stop - if you have any ideas for a monologue you want me to write, please let me know at

Get  more great award-winning monologues -
If you'd like to write your own monologues, I happen to have a book for that -   
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site on Facebook, Google - with friends.  Wishing you much success!
Monologue Mania Day #  1827 -1828-1829-1830-1831-1832-1833 Tales From the Crib (a one-act)   by Janet S. Tiger (c) for Feb. 25, 26, 27, 28,  March 1, 2, 3, 2019

Catching up - this is a 7 page play - so this post  will be for Feb. 25-  March 3, 2019  ....In my mind, I  am now officially caught up- if you count one page a day as one monologue a day......thanks for understanding!  

                                       THE CRIB
by Janet S. Tiger
(c)  Feb. 3, 2013  all rights reserved
CHARACTERS- (in order of appearance)

MAN  -  adult, throughout
MOTHER -  adult, throughout

SETTING -  Simple, a room with a crib

This piece has great room for creative costuming as well as sound and lighting effects.

            (The stage is simple - a room with a bookcase, a window, a chair, a changing table and ....a           crib.  The light is bluish, it is still night, although almost morning.    It is a large crib,       because in it, is a full grown man, wearing a suit and tie.  He is just waking up.  And he is looking around.)

MAN -  This is interesting.  I must have had a dream, because I'm not sure where I am.  Maybe     I'm       still in the dream.

            (He looks around some more, examining where he is.) 

MAN-  I think, I must be in a bed.'s just so large.  Ooh, I have to go to the             bathroom. 

            (He tries to get out of the crib, but cannot stand.)

MAN-  Help!  Someone help me!  I have to get to the bathroom.

            (He tries to roll over, but even that is hard.  He hits the bars on the crib)

MAN - Where am I?  Is this still the dream?  Someone get in here - I need to go to the bathroom!

            (The door opens and a younger woman comes in, fastening her robe, her hair a little             mussed - she just woke up)

WOMAN --  I came as fast as I could, honeybunch!  What's the matter?

MAN -  What's the matter?  I just told you - I have to go to the bathroom!  What are you, deaf?

            (The lights now change color to a yellowish and we hear a baby crying.  The mother leans over       into the crib and tenderly touches the man's face.)

WOMAN -  Did you have a good night?  You slept very well after the last feeding.

            (The lights now strobe from the yellow to blue as the night fights to stay.)

MAN-  Who the hell are you-  and what the hell are you talking about?  I had a terrible night and         a terrible dream and now I - let me say this very loudly- I HAVE TO GO PEE!  (Takes a            deep    sniff)  But you do smell good, mmmmm....

            (The lights go yellow and we -and the woman - hear crying, with a cadence that ends very     loudly and insistently, and tapers off -  she now lifts the 'baby' out of the crib.  We see       her       holding a ‘baby’ – can be a doll or pretend - and there is a sniffling noise and the       crying calms to baby chatter.)

WOMAN -  Oh, honey, I wish I could understand what you are saying!

            (The lights are faintly blue.)

MAN-  Why can't you?  I'm speaking English!  I'm a college graduate with a Masters in philosophy -    with my dissertation having been published and received to great acclaim.   It concerned t         he......I don't think you would understand, would you.......the something or   other of the Ancient   World!   I can't recall the exact title.   (Deep sigh)    Mmm, you do             smell good. 

            (He raises his arms, looks up.)

MAN -  And stop with those damn lights!  I get it - she doesn't understand me when the yellow light    is on.  And the blue light is getting fainter.....

WOMAN -  Do you want me to change your diaper?

MAN -  (Quieter)  Let me say it again - I have to go to the bathrooom.  It is the morning and I have a           desperate need to urinate!  To relieve PEE!

            (The lights switch again, although now they are blending and a green is appearing.  We           hear     the gentle crying building to a loud cry.  The woman reaches into the baby's diaper.            The      man is horrified.)

MAN -  Oh, don't do that, puhlease don't do that! 

WOMAN -  You're dry....

MAN-   Not for long......oh, no!

WOMAN -  I'll check later...

MAN -  Check now!  I just went, you idiot!  Oh, that's not good, it's wet, but at least it's warm.....

WOMAN -  You do love to eat…..maybe you're hungry again.....

MAN -  No, I'm not.....I'm wet, you colossal fool....

WOMAN -  So, maybe we'll give you something to eat....

            (She sits down and prepares to nurse the 'baby')

MAN -  Don't do that, please, it's just not right!

            (The crying returns and the mother is insistent.)

WOMAN -  You're a feisty one, aren't you?   Always an argument....maybe you'll be a lawyer             one      day.

MAN -  God forbid!   Stop that...I told you I'm not.....mmmm, what is that?  That's awfully tasty    stuff.  So sweet!  I love it!  I may not be hungry, but I'll take it!

            (The crying stops and the green light is now on.)

MAN -  What is it with these lights?  Is this supposed to mean things are changing?  Mmmmm.            that is nice.  I could almost go back to sleep, but...I'm wet, and I have so much to do!  Is this the way    it all starts?  I must write it down! 

            (He looks at his hands, then at 'himself'' nursing.)

MAN-  (Contemplative, not angry)  I can't make them work right long will that take?  Do       they have a typewriter?  No, they might have a computer, is that the age I'm in? That's        a          good question....  where am I?   (He thinks for a moment)   Better question - who am I?              That     question reminds me of something - If I am not for myself, who will be for me?  If I       am       only for myself, what am I?  And if not now, when?  ...Hey, that's pretty good!  I must      be        smart!   I'm gonna write that down.... as soon as I can get my hands on a pen and       paper......

            (The light switches and we hear the woman)

WOMAN -  That's better, isn't it?  Oh, how I wish you could speak and tell me what you want.  I            always knew this part would be a little frustrating, because I did babysit, but it's different    when   it's your own baby, right?  (Laughs)  Like you could understand this?

            (He turns his attention to the woman, who continues cooing to the baby)

MAN -  Was she speaking to me?  Was I listening?  (A revelation)  Is this how the             misunderstandings begin between men and women?  Another brilliant thought. 
Where             the       hell is a pen when you need it?  Wait a that one on the table over there?

            (The woman jumps a little.)

WOMAN -  Are you done already?  That was fast...what are you looking at over there?

            (She carries the baby to the desk.)

MAN-  There it is, a pen...and some paper!  Ooh, just let me at it!

            (The woman picks up a stuffed animal and hands it to the baby.)

WOMAN -  I knew it!  You can't live without this beddy tare.

MAN -   (Calm)  I said very clearly and succinctly - I want the pen and a piece of damned paper.              (Thinks)  Beddy tare?  Is that how you talk to me?  It's a wonder I can understand      anything.

            (We hear googling baby noises and the woman laughs.)

WOMAN -  Can you say,  'Ma Ma'?

MAN -  Oh, my God, is this my...mother?  Mama, is that you?  I don't remember you like this....

            (We hear sounds like an mmmmmmmm)

WOMAN - (Excited)  That's great, you almost said it!

MAN-  My mother was much older, and had gray hair.  And she was much heavier......this             woman is...beautiful....

            (Really looks at her)

MAN -  She is so beautiful...and she smells so good.  It feels nice just to be near her.
            (The lights change again, more like a kaleidoscope, then finish with normal light, as the       woman reaches into the baby's diaper)

WOMAN - And I knew it!   You are wet now! 

MAN - Now you figure it out?  I can't believe it, just when we were getting along so well!

            (She takes the baby to the changing table where she starts to replace the diaper.  The             crying resumes full strength)

MAN -  Please don't do this!  I changed my mind, I don’t care if my diaper is wet….  Can't you      get       someone else?  (Horrified)  Anyone else!

            (He is anguished, pulls off his tie in distress.  The mother plays with the baby and works quickly.)

WOMAN -  Isn't that better? It's not so bad to have a clean diaper?   Don't you feel better now? 

            (The crying eases)

MAN  _ (Surprised)  I do feel better.  That feels great!  Her hands are so warm... and what is that smooth's heaven....What am I saying.....oh, my God, this is like....what's the  analogy I'm looking for....

            (He struggles to remember as we hear the baby cooing and the mother laughing)

MAN-  I can remember...everything is fading's like.....Dante's Inferno!  There, I  remembered!              
I have to keep remembering......what was Dante's Inferno?   Oh, I know...   the seven stages of     Hell....that's exactly what this is like!  The horror, the pain, the           frustration, the agony, the      memories..... just like the Inferno...(thinks for a moment,          smiles) only with sweet food and      nice this a weird purgatory?    (thinks)      no, it was nine circles, or seven....I can't   remember.....Lust, gluttony..... which one was forgetfulness....boy am I tired....

WOMAN -  There, all better now....maybe you want to sleep a little more....

MAN -  Sounds like a good idea.....I am tired, it's been a busy morning.....and I have so much to  do, so much to learn.....
WOMAN -  There you go...

            (She puts the baby down and the man takes off his jacket and climbs               in to go to sleep.  She  hums.)

MAN -  I'm so very sleepy....

            (The lights dim and we see the woman exit. The man stirs, he is                      slower, and one side  works differently than the other.)
MAN-  Why is it so damn hot in here?
    (He struggles to take off his shirt and then gets up and walks to the                     chair.)

MAN-  What was I doing?  Why did I walk over here to the table?

            (The lights come up a little and he sits quietly.  The door opens and a               woman's head looks   in.)

WOMAN -  Dad?  Are you awake?

            (It is the same woman, only now she is older, greyer, heavier.  Tired,                 but still smiling)

WOMAN -  Dad?  They said you had a good night, so maybe we could take a little walk today....

MAN -  What is she saying?  Is she talking to me?   Another nurse?

            (He turns to her.)

MAN -  Who the hell are you?

            (The lights change and she hears ……)

MAN -  Wha the heeee izzzzzzzzsss?

WOMAN - It's good to see you, too, Dad.  The speech therapy seems to be helping.  They say a    stroke is hard to get over at your age, but you're working hard, so maybe one day...

MAN -  Shut up!  I can't understand when you talk so fast!

            (And she hears)

MAN -  Shhhhhow!    I cannnnnwhen youooooootalllllssssfssss.....

            (He holds his head and shakes it)

WOMAN -  (Holding back tears)  I can't brings the kids again so fast, it's kind of upsetting for       them.....

            (She looks in the crib, picks up the doll)

WOMAN -  There it is, I knew Toby left it somewhere.....

            (The man makes a motion to get the doll from her, she gives it to                     him.)
WOMAN -  If you need it, you can have it until we comes back to                   visit- I'll tell him you need it sleep    better.  He'll understand.

MAN-  (Struggles to say the words)   Bedddy   Tahhrre.......

WOMAN -  (Surprised, then smiles)  Beddy tare- that's what you used to call it when I was a          little    girl.  You said your mother would call it a beddy tare....I know you're in there, Dad.      You     always helped me, even through those really bad years….. we'll wait for you...that’s            what    you taught me….that’s what family’s for…..

            (She hugs him and he hugs her back.)

WOMAN -  And you'll get back to the restaurant....everyone is asking about you.....We have a          new     motto- Joey thought it up.  Eat at Dante's......Our food is (says it slowly).. devilishly good....

MAN -  (Tries to laugh)  Smahhhhr…. Bo….....

WOMAN --  Did you say...'smart  boy?'

            (He nods)

WOMAN -  I know you're in there....we'll wait until you come long as you need.

            (He stands up slowly, leaning on her.)

WOMAN -  Do you have to go to the bathroom?

            (He turns to the audience.)

MAN - Now she asks me.

            (He turns back to her.)

MAN - (Struggling)  Tired....

WOMAN -  Let me help you......remember when I was a little girl and you used to tell me and Teddy those great stories?

            (He nods, struggles to remove his pants, she helps him.  He is embarrassed, but has no        choice)

WOMAN -  Now I tell them to my you go....

            (She helps him lie down in the crib and he holds the bear close.)

WOMAN -  Have a good sleep, Dad.  I'll see you tomorrow.

            (She exits and he turns to watch her leave.)
MAN – (Remembering)… I retired from the college.  And I opened a restaurant, like my mother and father had.  And then I got sick……It’s confusing when you get old……and it’s   confusing when you’re young.  Come to think of it, it was pretty confusing in the middle,        too……..maybe there’s something I can study in that place I went with all the books,         what    was that called?  Philoso something……philosophy.  (Laughs)  Now that’s a funny word.  Hey, anyone out there wanna hear a funny word?
            (He struggles to turn over, but can’t.  The lights change, we hear a baby cry.)
MAN -  Where’s that nice smelling nurse with the sweet tasting food….
            (The woman opens the door as mother now, just waking up.)
WOMAN-  Are you awake already? 
MAN -  Of course I’m awake, I have to go to the bathroom…..but first, I want to study the funny   word and then….maybe open a restaurant…..because I love to eat…..
            (The lights dim as we hear the baby crying, the mother                                     laughing and the sounds of a restaurant, fading into dark.)
The  end.  Or the beginning.  Who really knows?

Monday, February 25, 2019

Monologue Mania Day # 1822-1823-1824-1825-1826 A Slight Misunderstanding (one-act) by Janet S. Tiger (c) for Feb. 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 2019

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free* monologue a day- -and still going!

Today is Day # 1822-1826    To look at the other titles - click here

  first   year - Feb. 13, 2014 - Feb. 12, 2015   - now in year 6 !      
I've continued with a monologue a day until the spirit moves me to stop - if you have any ideas for a monologue you want me to write, please let me know at

Get  more great award-winning monologues -
If you'd like to write your own monologues, I happen to have a book for that -   
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site on Facebook, Google - with friends.  Wishing you much success!
Monologue Mania Day #  1822-1823-1824-1825-1826 A Slight Misunderstanding (one-act) by Janet S. Tiger (c) for Feb. 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 2019

Almost caught up!  This is a five page one-act, so it will count for five days...It is also being entered in a contest before March 1, so any comments/ suggestions will be greatly appreciated!


By Janet S. Tiger
© July 8, 2011 all rights reserved

(The stage is English sitting room, and the characters will all have English accents to match.   At lights up, we see JOHN sitting – this is a sitting room after all – in his favorite chair, reading the newspaper.  ELEANOR enters, with a teapot and some teacups on a tray.  She is clearly perturbed about something.  John, of course, is completely oblivious to this and continues reading.  She stares at him, holding his teacup almost as if she wants to throw it at him, then considers throwing the teapot, and finally the tray at him.  At this, he looks up, smiling.)

JOHN – Oh, hello, dear.  Thank you for bringing the tea. 

ELEANOR – (Teeth clenched)  You are certainly not welcome.

JOHN – (Misses this)  Would you like to sit with me?

ELEANOR -  Unbelievable.

JOHN – (Surprised) Is something wrong dear?

ELEANOR -  Is something wrong?  Why would anything be wrong?  The fact that we have lived    our entire lives and you could not have taken the simplest of advice from me at any point    is completely irrelevant to you!

JOHN -  Oh, my, I detect that you are upset.

ELEANOR – (Laughs)  Do you have any idea what I am talking about?

JOHN –Of course not.  I never do.

(Eleanor throws her hands up in the air.)

JOHN - But I have never had any idea what you are talking about, my dear, and in 32 years, it              has never deterred you from offering your opinion.

ELEANOR – When we were first married, and you were constantly in competition with your             father, I gave you some excellent advice…..

JOHN – I’m sure you did….

ELEANOR – He was a lawyer, so you wanted to be a lawyer.  He was a champion squash             player, so you wanted to win at squash……he became a judge…

JOHN – (Proud)  I became a judge.

ELEANOR – And I told you that if you had to choose, that, in the long run, it was a smarter             thing to become the better man……

JOHN -  (Now he understands, very happy)  Oh, but dear, I did take your advice!

ELEANOR – (Stunned)  What?

JOHN – I took those words to heart, and ever since that day, I have strived to be the bitter man.

ELEANOR -  You mean the better man.

JOHN – That’s what I said – the bitter man.

ELEANOR – (Confused)  I think perhaps there may have been a misunder….

JOHN – (Cuts her off)  Oh, no, my love, that was excellent advice.  I have worked very hard to             find the bitter in every situation.  Sometimes this is very difficult – I mean it’s easy to be        bitter when you lose a case.  But when you win?  It takes a great deal of fortitude to find      bitterness in that!  But I did!  Why did it take me so long to win?  Why didn’t I charge a bigger fee?  How come my name wasn’t in the paper?

ELEANOR – But your name is always in the paper!

JOHN -  Not at first it wasn’t!   And when it is, why not a picture?

ELEANOR – They often have a photo…

JOHN -  A good one?  Never good enough….or big enough.  And when I  recover from an             illness….like when I had that painful kidney stone when we went on holiday…instead of  being grateful it wasn’t cancer, I can be bitter that half my holiday was wasted in a  hospital instead of playing golf.  And golf!  What a wonderful way to grasp hold of   bitterness with both hands….

            (He illustrates with a golf swing.)

JOHN – No matter what score, I can wish it was better.  No matter who I beat, I’ll never beat             Bobby Jones…..

ELEANOR -  Wouldn’t that be because he is dead?

JOHN – Completely irrelevant! 

ELEANOR -  You mean to tell me that you have lived your life with this incredible (searches for       the word)  ‘motto’ and in so doing, have created a life of unimaginable internal misery!

JOHN – Brilliantly said!  You could have been a barrister yourself, my dear!

ELEANOR – At least you have a chance to stop this nonsense immediately!

JOHN -  Stop!  Why should I stop now?  I am better at being bitter than most people are at being   anything at all!

ELEANOR – You say it as if you’re proud!

JOHN – I am very proud – anyone can win in a courtroom –

ELEANOR – Not anyone dear, anyone with a law degree...

JOHN – No, any idiot with a little perseverance can defend themselves  - but can anyone grasp             defeat from the jaws of victory?  I can!  When I was appointed to the High Court of             Justice three weeks after my 39th birthday, I was bitter that my father had been appointed      BEFORE his 39th birthday.  When I got a hole-in-one I was bitterly disappointed that no    one had on a video to record it!  And that time…..

ELEANOR -  (Cuts him off)  So let me understand this – you thought I said ‘bitter ‘ –b-i-t-t-e-r’

JOHN -  Because that is what you said.

ELEANOR – For a brilliant man, you are a complete idiot!

JOHN – Well I certainly hope I misunderstood that!

ELEANOR -  You fool!  I said BETTER!  (Loud)  B-E-T-T-E-R!

JOHN – I know what I heard.

ELEANOR – Out of the thousands of things you have never heard me say, you heard that –             INCORRECTLY!??

JOHN – I most certainly heard you – you said bitter.  And I thought it was strange at the time,             but since we were newly married, I didn’t want to argue.

ELEANOR – As I recall, you were able to argue about whether the bangers and mash we had at         Harry’s pub was tastier than the bangers and mash we had at my mother’s!  That you             could discuss for days!

JOHN -  Well, some things are more important than others…

ELEANOR – (Shocked) So I am to believe that…….

JOHN -  I can honestly tell you that I am a better man for being bitter – anyone can strive for             improvement, that is common.  I had to work at my bitterness over many years.  I thank             you for having made my life a bitter one, Eleanor – one of which I can honestly look             back and say - I am a bitter man.  I am proud of it.  I say bitter is better. 

            (He sits back and smiles, taking a deep satisfying breath.)

ELEANOR – Well, that was amusing.

JOHN -  Yes, the tea was very nice.

            (She collects the tray of tea items and starts to leave, turning back to look at him.)

JOHN -  Is there anything else that’s wrong?  I don’t think my tongue can handle anymore of this      dialogue.

ELEANOR -  I was just wondering if there’s anything else between us that has been so             completely misunderstood.

JOHN – Well, dear, if there is, I have every confidence you will unearth it in time.

ELEANOR -  Thank you, John.  Well, time to get ready to meet the Penndales for dinner.

(He gets up to join her.)

JOHN -  There is something that has troubled me for awhile…

ELEANOR – And that would be….

JOHN – The infernal expression – ‘you must take the bitter with the batter’

            (She shakes her head with exasperation)

JOHN – I mean, what can that possibly mean?  Why must you take the bitter with the batter?  Is             it something to do with that American game baseball?  They have batters….

ELEANOR – I believe it has something to do with cooking, but as I have never had any interest            whatsoever in anything more advanced than cucumber sandwiches, I fear we shall have        to leave this for another day….

JOHN -  As always, dear, you are correct…. (thinking) I am so glad you didn’t say that one to             me all those years ago….my whole life would have been a complete mystery to me…

ELEANOR -  And what a shame that would have been….

JOHN – Absolutely!

            (He exits and Eleanor watches him walk out, shaking her head.)

ELEANOR – Now I see why the British Empire is in decline….

JOHN – (offstage)  Did you say ‘umpire’?

            (Blackout.  The end.)