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Monologue Mania Day # 1822-1823-1824-1825-1826 A Slight Misunderstanding (one-act) by Janet S. Tiger (c) for Feb. 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 2019
Almost caught up! This is a five page one-act, so it will count for five days...It is also being entered in a contest before March 1, so any comments/ suggestions will be greatly appreciated!
Almost caught up! This is a five page one-act, so it will count for five days...It is also being entered in a contest before March 1, so any comments/ suggestions will be greatly appreciated!
A
SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING
By
Janet S. Tiger
©
July 8, 2011 all rights reserved
www.PlaysByJanetSTiger.com
(The stage is English
sitting room, and the characters will all have English accents to match. At lights up, we see JOHN sitting – this is
a sitting room after all – in his favorite chair, reading the newspaper. ELEANOR enters, with a teapot and some
teacups on a tray. She is clearly
perturbed about something. John, of course,
is completely oblivious to this and continues reading. She stares at him, holding his teacup almost
as if she wants to throw it at him, then considers throwing the teapot, and
finally the tray at him. At this, he
looks up, smiling.)
JOHN – Oh, hello, dear. Thank you for bringing the tea.
ELEANOR – (Teeth clenched) You are certainly not welcome.
JOHN – (Misses this)
Would you like to sit with me?
ELEANOR -
Unbelievable.
JOHN – (Surprised) Is something wrong dear?
ELEANOR - Is
something wrong? Why would anything be
wrong? The fact that we have lived our entire lives and you could not have taken
the simplest of advice from me at any point is
completely irrelevant to you!
JOHN - Oh,
my, I detect that you are upset.
ELEANOR – (Laughs)
Do you have any idea what I am talking about?
JOHN –Of course not.
I never do.
(Eleanor throws her
hands up in the air.)
JOHN - But I have never had any idea what you are
talking about, my dear, and in 32 years, it
has never deterred you
from offering your opinion.
ELEANOR – When we were first married, and you were
constantly in competition with your father,
I gave you some excellent advice…..
JOHN – I’m sure you did….
ELEANOR – He was a lawyer, so you wanted to be a
lawyer. He was a champion squash player, so you wanted to win at
squash……he became a judge…
JOHN – (Proud)
I became a judge.
ELEANOR – And I told you that if you had to choose,
that, in the long run, it was a smarter thing
to become the better man……
JOHN - (Now
he understands, very happy) Oh, but
dear, I did take your advice!
ELEANOR – (Stunned)
What?
JOHN – I took those words to heart, and ever since
that day, I have strived to be the bitter man.
ELEANOR - You
mean the better man.
JOHN – That’s what I said – the bitter man.
ELEANOR – (Confused)
I think perhaps there may have been a misunder….
JOHN – (Cuts her off) Oh, no, my love, that was excellent
advice. I have worked very hard to find the bitter in every
situation. Sometimes this is very
difficult – I mean it’s easy to be bitter
when you lose a case. But when you
win? It takes a great deal of fortitude
to find bitterness in that! But I did!
Why did it take me so long to win?
Why didn’t I charge a bigger
fee? How come my name wasn’t in the
paper?
ELEANOR – But your name is always in the paper!
JOHN - Not at
first it wasn’t! And when it is, why
not a picture?
ELEANOR – They often have a photo…
JOHN - A good
one? Never good enough….or big
enough. And when I recover from an illness….like when I had that painful kidney stone when
we went on holiday…instead of being
grateful it wasn’t cancer, I can be bitter that half my holiday was wasted in a
hospital instead of playing
golf. And golf! What a wonderful way to grasp hold of bitterness with both hands….
(He
illustrates with a golf swing.)
JOHN – No matter what score, I can wish it was
better. No matter who I beat, I’ll never
beat Bobby Jones…..
ELEANOR -
Wouldn’t that be because he is dead?
JOHN – Completely irrelevant!
ELEANOR - You
mean to tell me that you have lived your life with this incredible (searches
for the word) ‘motto’ and in so doing, have created a life
of unimaginable internal misery!
JOHN – Brilliantly said! You could have been a barrister yourself, my
dear!
ELEANOR – At least you have a chance to stop this
nonsense immediately!
JOHN -
Stop! Why should I stop now? I am better at being bitter than most people
are at being anything at all!
ELEANOR – You say it as if you’re proud!
JOHN – I am very proud – anyone can win in a
courtroom –
ELEANOR – Not anyone dear, anyone with a law degree...
JOHN – No, any idiot with a little perseverance can
defend themselves - but can anyone grasp
defeat from the jaws of
victory? I can! When I was appointed to the High Court of Justice three weeks after my 39th
birthday, I was bitter that my father had been appointed BEFORE his 39th birthday. When I got a hole-in-one I was bitterly
disappointed that no one had on a video
to record it! And that time…..
ELEANOR -
(Cuts him off) So let me
understand this – you thought I said ‘bitter ‘ –b-i-t-t-e-r’
JOHN -
Because that is what you said.
ELEANOR – For a brilliant man, you are a complete
idiot!
JOHN – Well I certainly hope I misunderstood that!
ELEANOR - You
fool! I said BETTER! (Loud)
B-E-T-T-E-R!
JOHN – I know what I heard.
ELEANOR – Out of the thousands of things you have
never heard me say, you heard that – INCORRECTLY!??
JOHN – I most certainly heard you – you said
bitter. And I thought it was strange at
the time, but since we were
newly married, I didn’t want to argue.
ELEANOR – As I recall, you were able to argue about
whether the bangers and mash we had at Harry’s
pub was tastier than the bangers and mash we had at my mother’s! That
you could discuss for days!
JOHN - Well,
some things are more important than others…
ELEANOR – (Shocked) So I am to believe that…….
JOHN - I can
honestly tell you that I am a better man for being bitter – anyone can strive
for improvement, that is
common. I had to work at my bitterness
over many years. I thank you for having made my life a bitter
one, Eleanor – one of which I can honestly look back and say - I am a bitter man. I am proud of it. I say bitter is better.
(He
sits back and smiles, taking a deep satisfying breath.)
ELEANOR – Well, that was amusing.
JOHN - Yes,
the tea was very nice.
(She
collects the tray of tea items and starts to leave, turning back to look at
him.)
JOHN - Is
there anything else that’s wrong? I
don’t think my tongue can handle anymore of this dialogue.
ELEANOR - I
was just wondering if there’s anything else between us that has been so completely misunderstood.
JOHN – Well, dear, if there is, I have every
confidence you will unearth it in time.
ELEANOR -
Thank you, John. Well, time to
get ready to meet the Penndales for dinner.
(He gets up to join
her.)
JOHN - There
is something that has troubled me for awhile…
ELEANOR – And that would be….
JOHN – The infernal expression – ‘you must take the
bitter with the batter’
(She
shakes her head with exasperation)
JOHN – I mean, what can that possibly mean? Why must you take the bitter with the
batter? Is it something to do with that American game baseball? They have batters….
ELEANOR – I believe it has something to do with
cooking, but as I have never had any interest whatsoever
in anything more advanced than cucumber sandwiches, I fear we shall have to leave this for another day….
JOHN - As
always, dear, you are correct…. (thinking) I am so glad you didn’t say that one
to me all those years ago….my
whole life would have been a complete mystery to me…
ELEANOR - And
what a shame that would have been….
JOHN – Absolutely!
(He
exits and Eleanor watches him walk out, shaking her head.)
ELEANOR – Now I see why the British Empire is in
decline….
JOHN – (offstage)
Did you say ‘umpire’?
(Blackout. The end.)
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* Note: A few words about 'free' - all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty
Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315 CaregiversAnon.org
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
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