Monologue Mania: November 2015

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Monologue Mania Day # 656 That's Me! by Janet S. Tiger Nov. 29, 2015

                                                by
                                        Janet S. Tiger
                                © 2015 all rights reserved
                                     tigerteam1@gmail.com

(The woman enters with a basket of groceries, she is in a hurry, looking at watch, talking on her headset.)

Oh, my God! I can't believe this! I thought I only had two people in front of me, but nooooo, there's more! And this place is jammed! And the woman right in front of me is.....old! Oh, this is horrible! At least the others are going through, but this lady, I just know it's gonna take her FOREVER! Yes, I know that I'm not politically correct! I don't care! She's probably deaf and can't hear me anyhow...

Oh, Jeez! I knew it....she's taking out coupons! It looks like more than three.....don't laugh so hard in my ear, these old people in lines are impossible! And then they complain about EVERYTHING, like the music, because it isn't from a hundred years ago.....and then they take forever........amazing.....she's finished with the coupons.....but does she have a credit card? You know the answer! NOOOOOOOO!

Or a debit card? Let's hear it...NOOOOOOO!

She is taking out......believe it or not......CASH! You heard me! Who on God's good earth uses cash anymore......and get this! She's trying to find.....(sputtering).....the EXACT CHANGE!

Who told these old people they could still come out in public?

I mean, who do they think they are? They should have special places for them, where it's safe, and they get fed and looked after and they never have to use cash again! Oh, wait, they have places like that - OLD AGE HOMES!

(Listens)

And get a load of this, my friend, you gotta hear this! She just said her name, and you'll never guess what her name is! Go ahead.....just try......okay! I'll tell you....her name is.....

(She stops, frozen)

That's my name.......wait a minute......she's got the same name....and, oh, no......she's turning this way, it looks like.....could it be? It's me.....the lady is....me.....I've become......the lady who searches for the three pennies.......to make it eighteen cents....exactly.......

(Touches ear, then searches in purse.)

What was that young man? Sometimes the batteries in this hearing aid don't work as well as they did when I put them in......but you're young, you'll understand one day.......I found it.....here's the last penny.....

(She holds up a penny, smiling, turns to leave, stops, looks back at the line)

I'm sorry it takes me so long.......It's funny, I used to be the young person complaining about the old lady taking all the time......now....I am that lady.......and one day.....you will be, too.....

(She exits......to the next line)

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I have a collection for seniors available now -dozens of monologues that are proven successes onstage - from Kennedy Center to Burma. Be a winner in your next audition/showcase/class.

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Thanks for supporting the theater - and those who write for it!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

JanetSTigerMonologueMania.blogspot.com

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Monologue Mania Day #655 You by Janet S. Tiger Nov. 28, 2015

                                                by
                                        Janet S. Tiger
                                © 2015 all rights reserved
                                     tigerteam1@gmail.com

(This is a woman of 19, in 1973, so she has on bellbottom jeans and a NOW button. She addresses the meeting)

I am really happy to bring someone new to this meeting...my one and only....Mother! Mom, please stand up so everyone can see how much you need this group!

(She indicates her mother, who refuses to stand)

Okay, Mom, we got it - no standing yet. But we will help you get to where you can stand up....not just for yourself, but for what you believe in! That's what you taught me....my whole life. And I'm grateful...which is why I brought you.....so you can get the help you need to break out of the absolute prison that is your life!

I know you love Dad...that's my father....and I love him, too, he's not a bad guy....but he is, above all...a guy....and one of the most difficult of the species....a complete and utter chauvanist!

I remember when we were kids......you were the one who did all the house stuff, all the food, and the cleaning....and me and Adam.....that was YOUR job, right? Not his!

(Listens)

Okay, sure, he DID do the Little League thing, but that was for Adam, and Adam didn't even want to play! Now, me, I wanted to play! But no girls allowed in Little League - and no leagues for girls yet......and when you wanted to go back to college....which you dropped out of so he could finish law school.....is that typical or what?....when you wanted to go back for your degree in Social Work....which you really wanted, right, Mom? What did he say?

(Imitates her father, very condescending) But Laura, who's going to take care of the children? We can't have them running loose like dogs!

(Imitates mother, meek) But Henry, the children are older now, and Shelley can watch Adam....and it's only one class a semester, two nights a week.....

(Father, horrified) Two nights! Shelley is only 12!

(Mother) But she babysits....

(Father) And if there's a problem, what will people say? That you care more about a...(sputtering)...a degree!.....than your own children!

(Mother, more beaten down) My mother could help out....

(Father even more horrified) Your....your Mother! That radical! She will turn them into socialists at the first chance, absolutely NO! Did you hear me?

(Mother, beaten down completely) Yes, dear.....

(Father, hands on hips, bellowing) I said....NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Back to herself) And that was it. He had the last word.....but you can't stop the future....and in my first year here, I found this group and it was like....like...coming home! Not that I don't love our home, Mom, but this is where I started to find out what I think, and what I want, not what Dad tells me to think and want.....and I know that ...when you come here enough Mom, you will start to learn, too......because college is not just learning in a classroom.....it's real learning......

(Turns to leave, stops, looks back)

Learning to be.....yourself......Welcome home, Mom, we're glad to have you here!

(She exits as everyone looks at her mother, and her mother awkwardly approaches the stage. Blackout)

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I have a collection for seniors available now -dozens of monologues that are proven successes onstage - from Kennedy Center to Burma. Be a winner in your next audition/showcase/class.

MONOLOGUES FOR SENIORS

Thanks for supporting the theater - and those who write for it!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

JanetSTigerMonologueMania.blogspot.com

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Friday, November 27, 2015

Monologue Mania Day #654 The First Honest Commercial by Janet S. Tiger Nov. 27, 2015

                                                by
                                        Janet S. Tiger
                                © 2015 all rights reserved
                                     tigerteam1@gmail.com

(Actor runs onstage, very agitated)

All of you out there, the ones who hate ads.....raise your hands if you hate ads....

(Looks at audience)

That's a lotta you!

(Raises his hand)

Me, too! That's why I invented a way to get rid of all commercials! You heard me! No more commercials! No more listening to ads for Viagra and sanitary napkins and foods and cars and memory aids and lawyers and medicines you can't pronounce that will sicken you so you need those lawyers....yes, you heard me right.....NO MORE COMMERCIALS!

And the best part - it's FREE! You got it - NO CHARGE, NADA....ABSOLUTELY....FREE!

Plus, we take care of the shipping......because there is NO shipping!

We unlock the magic IN YOUR TV to bring you this amazing discovery!

Are you ready? If you want NO MORE COMMERCIALS RIGHT NOW- please

(very loud) TURN OFF THE TV!

(Actor turns to leave, stops to look back, takes a remote out of his pocket and points it at the audience. He clicks, smiles and exits.....the first honest commercial!)

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Like this monologue?

I have a collection for seniors available now -dozens of monologues that are proven successes onstage - from Kennedy Center to Burma. Be a winner in your next audition/showcase/class.

MONOLOGUES FOR SENIORS

Thanks for supporting the theater - and those who write for it!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

JanetSTigerMonologueMania.blogspot.com

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Monologue Mania Day #653 Hidden Seed (for Seeds of Doubt) by Janet S. Tiger Nov. 26, 2015

                                                by
                                        Janet S. Tiger
                                © 2015 all rights reserved
                                     tigerteam1@gmail.com

(The great grandmother, Big G, is seen holding her daughter who is crying)

Daughter, you are wasting all tears on this......you put tears on seed, seed not grow right. Too much salt.

There is time for cry, time for pray......now is time pray ........you raise children, never know which way they go....like seeds. Some seed need lotta attention, they have to get extra help to grow. Then when they get big, they get strong, shade you from problem of too hot sun.

Other seed, you not notice where they go, they .....blown in wind. No help, but they grow big and tall and strong....but too far to give shade from too hot sun.

Which better seed? Both.

Because the seed that most important....is here....

(She touches her heart)

Seed of heart in person need lotta care, all people. Seed in heart very easy bruise. My mother told me .... some people have seed all shrivel up, but there always chance seed get right food, right water...right....love....and shrivel up seed grow good too, burst out of soul like star!

That what you pray for now.....not for him, but for you, for your heart to understand what your son do....because to love is not easy when things hard. When good time, love easy....but now, now is chance for heart seed to burst out of you......to touch him.....to make him know, you still love......

(Lights down)
--------------------------------

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Like this monologue?

I have a collection for seniors available now -dozens of monologues that are proven successes onstage - from Kennedy Center to Burma. Be a winner in your next audition/showcase/class.

MONOLOGUES FOR SENIORS

Thanks for supporting the theater - and those who write for it!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

JanetSTigerMonologueMania.blogspot.com

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Monologue Mania Day #652 Birthday Twins (revised) by Janet S. Tiger Nov. 25, 2015

Mar. 29, 2014 Birthday Twins    Day # 45    Monologue Mania


                        Birthday Twins (c)
                   (yet another for the Senior Channel)
                                                by
                                        Janet S. Tiger
                                © 2014 all rights reserved
                                     tigerteam1@gmail.com

(A man rolls onto the stage in a wheelchair. He is not fast, but steady. He faces the audience and takes a party whistle blower and blows it - twice.)

Thank you for letting me come onto the Senior Channel show, Senior Moments, because, everyone, today is a special day........ today is my birthday!

            (He blows the blower again)

The big 0ne- oh.....oh!

That's right......100 years!

            (He blows again)

When I was younger – in my fifties! – anyone who got to be a hundred was very special - they were on TV, and it was a big deal. Now, nothing. We are average – in fact, there was something in the paper that said….hold on, let me find it….

            (He searches in his lap, pulls out a newspaper, reads.)

Says right here that, ‘100…is the new….60!’

            (He laughs loudly)

Well, that’s a pile!

But not the point! Today is special not just because it’s my birthday, but because I have a birthday twin…….and we are going to call him and tell him ‘Happy Birthday’ on television!

Here….

            (He now pulls a cell phone from his lap and pushes one button.)

They fixed it that all I have to do is push once…..and these days, that’s about all I can do…………if you know what I mean…. Hey, Lester, it’s me, Patrick, yeah, Happy Birthday! I got everyone in TV-land here to sing to you…….

             (Holds the phone up, indicates the audience is to sing)

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to me, HappyBirthday dear Lester and Patrick, Happy Birthday to us!

Yeah, I’ll call you later, old buddy…..have a great day!

            (He closes the phone)

No, Lester is not the same age, just the same day! That’s why we’re birthday twins –but he’s just a young pup…he’s only 98!

Lester and I grew up on the same street – but we are blood brothers now. I married his sister, may she rest in peace, and had four beautiful children with her, so, it may be a little backwards, but we are related by blood!

Now, my birthday used to be…. April first…that’s right April Fool’s Day. Everyone always had fun with that- I was the ‘April Fool.’

But, yes, you heard me, it ‘used to be’ my birthday. Betcha didn’t know you could switch, didja?

             (Takes a deep breath)

As the story goes, my father was killed in the Great War – World War I. My mother remarried a musician – he was a little crazy, but he adopted me and was a generally decent stepfather. He didn’t beat us, he was a nice guy overall, when he was around…..

After my mother died, he died right away, like he had to go visit her again….and I got to go through all the papers. Now that…..as they say now on those silly TV shows…. is a fun job…(spits it out, loud)…NOT!

Especially since I found out that, not only was he not my father, which I already knew, but my mother was not my mother – she had adopted me, on April 1st…..which had become my birthday.

Let me tell you, it’s like being in a book, or a movie, where the main character wakes up and finds out that everything was a dream!

And the worst part was, I was sixty, and even if I had had the energy to go out and look for my real parents – which I didn’t – because finding this out, made 60 into the new 100.

I was stunned. What else was a lie?

Could I trust anyone?

And then Lester came to visit and said to me – ‘doesn’t matter who your parents are, all that matters, is who YOU are.'

Lester never talked a lot, I was the one who did the talking, but when he spoke, it usually made sense.

So I stopped worrying about looking for the past. Saved me a lot of time.

But I did do one thing – I petitioned the court to change my birthday – which I had always hated anyways. People don’t know you can do that once – as long as there was an adoption, and there is no fraud involved.

            (Laughs, a little bitterly)

At least, no fraud on my part.

So……I switched the day legally….to March 30th……Lester’s birthday. So we are not only blood brothers, but birthday twins.

            (He lifts his arms)

Happy Birthday to us, Lester!

            (He turns to the side)

At 100, I know my time is up! And I don’t need any help from you young people! I can do this myself!

    (He turns to wheel off….looks back)

Almost forgot…not a surprise at this age, just an excuse……this morning I got an amazing phone call. You see, we married young, Lester’s sister and I, and had our first child when we were just 20….first grandchild at 41, great grandchild at 62….great-great grandchild at 81 – and last night, a new baby was born….my first…..

            (Counts on his fingers)

Great….great…..GREAT….that’s three greats!...grandchild……

Just after midnight……so now, we have another birthday twin, Lester…..

Happy Birthday to us all!

            (He rolls off)

And many more!

            (Not the end for awhile.)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Like this monologue?

I have a collection for seniors available now -dozens of monologues that are proven successes onstage - from Kennedy Center to Burma. Be a winner in your next audition/showcase/class.

MONOLOGUES FOR SENIORS

Thanks for supporting the theater - and those who write for it!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

JanetSTigerMonologueMania.blogspot.com

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Monologue Mania Day #651 Put a Lid on It by Janet S. Tiger Nov. 24, 2015

(A woman in her fifties enters carrying a suitcase which she puts on a table. She turns to the audience and smiles)

You are all so sweet to ask me here to tell about my unusual hobby!

Well, it all started when I turned 57. Not 56, but 57. I had never had the urge to save anything. I am actually in the business of organizing people to discard their junk - my company is called, appropriately GROIT - or Get Rid Of It!

So you can see I have spent most of my life de-cluttering people - their overstuffed homes, their disgusting garages and revolting storage units. I have worked with thousands of people and never has the urge to hoard.....I mean save......overtaken my rational brain.

But then, on my birthday last year, which is, coincidentally, tomorrow, I mean, my birthday last year was not tomorrow, my birthday this year is tomorrow, but last year.......oh, now I'm very confused, this is what started happening......I had this....(she shudders)....uncontrollable urge to save......a lid.

You heard me....a lid. It was an innocuous beginning.....the lid of my special sauce jar....the sauce I get from an odd little store.....the lid fell on the floor and I stepped on it, and it actually dented or twisted or something! But the finale was that I could no longer put the lid securely onto the sauce jar.

And this was extraordinarily upsetting, as I love that sauce, and the sauce might dry up if the lid was not on properly! So what could I do? In deep distress, I searched diligently for an alternate - please do not even consider the idea of some.....(shudders)...Saran Wrap! No, the sad truth....the truth that I had just recently discarded the jar and lid from the previous purchase overwhelmed me with a sense of terrible loss!

Had I saved that previous lid - now I would not have this serious, earth-shaking problem! So the solution presented itself in the strangest way.....I decided ,...in a definitely conscious mode....that I would now, forevermore.....save one lid from each jar I used.

Easy/ Simple......logical...or so one would presume.......but then, after saving, oh, ten or fifteen lids from the assorted jars.....one from the strawberry jam, another from the aforementioned sauce.....(with delight) .....one from sauerkraut....that's a big one!

Yet another from baby food....one of my weaknesses - peaches baby food with M&Ms - in the fridge, unbelievable! And the strangely shaped lids! So they accumulate.....and then I realize, what if that one lid I had saved....(horrified)...was defective! And I went to use that lid, discovering it was defective only when it was TOO LATE. The moment of discovery was almost....sexual...... I felt like that Jacuqueline Susann - One Lid Is Not Enough!

So I decided that ....just to be EXTRA CAREFUL I would save TWO lids.......only two, mind you, because more than that would be.....almost like.....(frightened, hissing)....almost like hoarding.......

But it's not hoarding when it's organized.....

(She opens the suitcase and removes several boxes.....of lids)

I started with just a few lids in a drawer....then I needed a box, and then they filled the entire drawer, and my husband suggested.....in a rather rude and obnoxious way, I may add, that I take the lids and THROW THEM OUT!

But I couldn't do that to my little friends......I mean lids....

(She holds them lovingly and touches some to her cheek)

There, there, pretty lid.....some of them are so adorable! They are designed like artwork! And I just like to make them happy!

(She holds up the lids and their little holders, oohing and aahing over them)

Now I realize there are others who have to tell about their hobbies, so I will go, but first - any questions?

(She listens and laughs)

This suitcase? I brought it because these are my favorites, but I can come back next week with the others!
(She holds up the other side of the suitcase and we see the number 173, she turns to leave, stops, looks back)

And for those of you who judge me.....let's see what you think next time YOU need a lid! (Happy) Then you.... can put a lid on it!

(She exits with the suitcase......case closed)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

JanetSTigerMonologueMania.blogspot.com

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Monday, November 23, 2015

Monologue Mania Day #650 Guns and Vegetables by Janet S. Tiger Nov. 23, 2015

(Man enters carrying a big bowl of vegetables, he smiles at the audience)

(Very friendly) Hi there folks in Senior Channel land - who want to be healthy! And that means all of you, right?

Well, I have a new company designed to help you stay healthy by making sure you eat .....all your vegetables!

Here, see these delicious vegies?

(Holds up one)

Many of you eat them, but some of you...(becomes more ominous)...some of you do not. (Sighs) And without vegetables, how can you stay healthy and strong and able to fight off the rigors of aging?

Well, for those of you who...RESIST.....vegetables, that's where I come in.....my new company is called...Guns and Vegetables! Simple! And here's how it works!

I hire ex-soldiers who know how to use these guns....and I send them to your house with a BIG bag of vegetables....EVERY DAY! And if you don't eat your vegetables, well, that's what the guns are for! To remind you that you don't want to be sick! And more important... that no one wants to take care of you if you're sick!

So quick, get up and call the number on the screen right now and order your vegetable helper RIGHT NOW!

Frightened by the threats? That's the idea! Remember how well threats worked with your children? Now it's their chance to even the score......kids, get on that phone right now and call the number on the screen right now and order vegetable helper for your family member RIGHT NOW!

And remember....YOU WILL EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!

(Turns to leave, hears a question, stops, looks back)

For those with no teeth....the answer is simple....not you coulda, but you WILL have a V-8!

(Throwing the veggies into the audience.....he exits to a brave new world of vegetables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Like this monologue?

I have a collection for seniors available now -dozens of monologues that are proven successes onstage - from Kennedy Center to Burma. Be a winner in your next audition/showcase/class.

MONOLOGUES FOR SENIORS

Thanks for supporting the theater - and those who write for it!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

JanetSTigerMonologueMania.blogspot.com

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Monologue Mania Day #649 Decision by Janet S. Tiger Nov. 22, 2015

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day- for a whole year-and still going!
                      first year - Feb. 13, 2014 - Feb. 13, 2015
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Monologue Mania Day #649 Decision by Janet S. Tiger Nov. 22, 2015

  Decision
by Janet S. Tiger
(c) 2015 all rights reserved

(Woman- in her forties - is looking at some photos and shows one to her daughter.)

Yes, that little girl looks like you....but it was me. And that was my mother, your grandmother....and here she is, with her mother, marching......for the suffragettes. A long time ago......

Back when they got tomatoes thrown at them.. back when the thought of voting was just a dream.

(Sighs heavily) Where did my dreams go? I saw your father, and all my dreams...they all went into one dream - marriage and a family. But before that, I wanted to help people.....I hated when I saw what happened in Europe, during and after the war. I used to organize groups of women to send canned foods, and different items to churches over there. Things like ...needles, thread....books, paper, pens.....hard to get items that I used to get letters of thanks from people.....here.....I saved some.....

(She holds them up and her daughter looks at them)

I am going to help your group,....whatever your father thinks. For a change.....maybe it's time for me to do a little thinking....about what I'm going to do next......

(They look at the photos as lights dim)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Like this monologue?

I have a collection for seniors available now -dozens of monologues that are proven successes onstage - from Kennedy Center to Burma. Be a winner in your next audition/showcase/class.

MONOLOGUES FOR SENIORS

Thanks for supporting the theater - and those who write for it!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

JanetSTigerMonologueMania.blogspot.com

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Monologue Mania Day # 648 Hate by Janet S. Tiger Nov.21, 2015

(Head bowed, covered in a scarf, the Nigerian woman brings flowers onstage and places them)

Goodbye my friend.....I am sorry it had to be like this.

(She turns to the audience)

I do not believe that the press, the media…...that is you, the person who reports it all….I do not believe you.....can ever do justice to these horrible events, but I will tell you now about my friend, who lies here a victim.....a victim of hatred that is bred into children from when they are born.

My friend and I met in school, we became teachers together. I went to teach in a school near where I was born, she went to a place, a small village a few hundred miles from here - a million years away.

She would write, and call me, telling me about how backward things were. I could not believe it, so she would send photos. Two days before the attack, we talked, and laughed, and made plans to meet in the new year.

We always made plans, but not always did we meet. Such is life. Such is death….. We meet here for the last time.

(She sighs heavily, stands tall)

Boko Haram is something you read about in your papers, you see reports on your Internet. But the reality, is that someone, some human being, has been twisted into something that kills other human beings.

My friend tried to defend the girls being taken. They chopped off her head. That is why the coffin is closed.

It's funny how the words are simple – chopped off her head

And I read about other times and other places, people who did try to help….like my friend……and I wonder, what would I have done in her shoes? And I am grateful the attack came two days before I went to finally see her village….while I cry for her…..and will always cry for her……I am happy to be alive…..…..but inside, I think about…hate…….

(Listens)

Do I hate the men who killed her?

That is a good question.

Do I hate a lion that is hungry and comes into my hut and eats my baby?

It does not know any better. It was raised to kill ....to eat .....to live. Now my neighbor……the man who stands by, with a spear, and watches that lion kill my baby....who turns his head because he is happy the lion eats my baby and not his......that man is very hard not to hate.

So it is with the people who watch Boko Haram kill, the people who have the guns and the money to stop these lions of pain.......I want to ask them, how can they watch and do nothing? How can you stand by and see these lions destroy your neighbors, destroy your village, destroy…..the world……I ask those questions because….those are the people I want to hate.

(She turns to leave, stops, looks back)

Can you understand that? Can you put that in your paper? Will the people who read, know....I am talking about....them.....I am talking about ….me…..

(She exits to a difficult future)