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Today is Day # 1436! To look at the other 1435 titles - click here
Today is Day # 1436! To look at the other 1435 titles - click here
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Monologue Mania Day # 1437 The List (for Caregivers Anonymous) by Janet S. Tiger (c) Jan. 20, 2018
Background scene for Caregivers Anonymous
The List
The List
(for Caregivers Anonymous)
©Janet S. Tiger all rights reserved
©Janet S. Tiger all rights reserved
(Jeannie, the leader of the group, motions for the others to be quiet, she waves some papers
at them)
JEANNIE - Now listen up! I have here the results of my very scientifically designed experiment with our fellow caregiver, Wanda.....where I offered to come to her house and write down everything she did as a caregiver.....and everything she did for herself......
WANDA - (Pretending to be annoyed) I thought you told me this was gonna be CONFIDENTIAL!
JEANNIE - I can explain that....
WANDA - Please do!
JEANNIE - I lied......
(The others hoot and Jeannie waves at them)
JEANNIE - Please listen! I think there is a great deal to learn from our Miss Wanda......This, my friends is the list of what she does for her husband all day......and this was only one day, mind you.....
(Reads) Wakes up.....I was there early so I know she gets up at 6am to do a load of wash......
WANDA - You make it sound like a crime!
JEANNIE - (Ignores her) And then you start breakfast for your husband, who is a TINY bit picky about how he likes his sausage EXTRA CRISPY.....
WANDA - (Automatic) But not burned....
JEANNIE - And his coffee with not one, but TWO artificial sweeteners......and just a splash of half and half!
WANDA - Oh, yeah!
JEANNIE - And before he eats, Wanda has to take him IN HIS WHEELCHAIR BECAUSE HE CANNOT WALK TOO FAR......to the bathroom.....where he needs help with brushing his teeth and then she helps dress him and then he gets wheeled into the kitchen where he can complain about how the toast is burnt!
WANDA - Because I took too long with the toothpaste!
JEANNIE - (Imitates her) Oh, yeah! And then there's the rest of the day, with the cream for the psoriasis, and the checking for bedsores, and the.......
(Holds up the papers)
JEANNIE - Does anyone want to hear the rest?
(She shows at least three pages, both sides, the others are adamant - NO!)
WANDA - (Laughing) You a mean one for sure!
JEANNIE - But wait...... now we have the list of what Wanda does for herself!
(She holds up a tiny post it note and the others howl with laughter)
JEANNIE - Oh, don't laugh, there's a lot on here! Just listen to breakfast......(reads) ....eats the leftovers from George's plate.......and for exercise.....oh, that's what folding the wash is good for! And for a break.....
(She turns over the paper)
JEANNIE - I guess that's all folks!
WANDA - And how come you forgot to mention I went to the ocean? Because Jeannie insisted I go while George was takin' a nap and she watched him!
JEANNIE - Wait a minute.....there it is! A whole 45 minutes!
WANDA - It only takes 15 minutes to go and 15 minutes to walk and 15 minutes to come home......
JEANNIE - Excuse me! I should have realized that you had all that lolling time......and when was the last time you went to the ocean - or a movie.....or to see a friend......or anywhere else by yourself.....Miss Wanda?
WANDA - (Mumbles)
JEANNIE - We can't hear you!
WANDA - All right! Maybe it's been a while.......you just don't let up do you,, girl! You're like a pitbull with a bad tooth! And maybe....you got a point......and maybe George has now agreed to let our kids get someone to help me out a day or two every week.....
(The others cheer)
JEANNIE - Well I'll be glad to give a hand until you find someone, you know that.....
WANDA - (Horrified) Oh, no, Jeannie! We gonna find somebody real fast!
JEANNIE - Someone different from me?
WANDA - (Really horrified) You did hear!
JEANNIE - George said something a tiny bit politically incorrect....
WANDA - Oh no!
(She hides her face and she and Jeannie start laughing)
JEANNIE - I thought I heard him say he didn't want ....how did he put it so delicately?
WANDA - (Shaking her head) Didn't want no white woman touchin' his privates!
(The others enjoy this and Wanda shakes her head again)
WANDA - But it worked......I mean, we got two women comin' over this week for interviews.....so maybe, just maybe, you were right.....
JEANNIE - The three words every woman wants to hear! Let's have a toast to Wanda getting a few minutes to herself.....how many years has it been?
WANDA - Too many!
(The others lift their coffee cups as the lights dim)
at them)
JEANNIE - Now listen up! I have here the results of my very scientifically designed experiment with our fellow caregiver, Wanda.....where I offered to come to her house and write down everything she did as a caregiver.....and everything she did for herself......
WANDA - (Pretending to be annoyed) I thought you told me this was gonna be CONFIDENTIAL!
JEANNIE - I can explain that....
WANDA - Please do!
JEANNIE - I lied......
(The others hoot and Jeannie waves at them)
JEANNIE - Please listen! I think there is a great deal to learn from our Miss Wanda......This, my friends is the list of what she does for her husband all day......and this was only one day, mind you.....
(Reads) Wakes up.....I was there early so I know she gets up at 6am to do a load of wash......
WANDA - You make it sound like a crime!
JEANNIE - (Ignores her) And then you start breakfast for your husband, who is a TINY bit picky about how he likes his sausage EXTRA CRISPY.....
WANDA - (Automatic) But not burned....
JEANNIE - And his coffee with not one, but TWO artificial sweeteners......and just a splash of half and half!
WANDA - Oh, yeah!
JEANNIE - And before he eats, Wanda has to take him IN HIS WHEELCHAIR BECAUSE HE CANNOT WALK TOO FAR......to the bathroom.....where he needs help with brushing his teeth and then she helps dress him and then he gets wheeled into the kitchen where he can complain about how the toast is burnt!
WANDA - Because I took too long with the toothpaste!
JEANNIE - (Imitates her) Oh, yeah! And then there's the rest of the day, with the cream for the psoriasis, and the checking for bedsores, and the.......
(Holds up the papers)
JEANNIE - Does anyone want to hear the rest?
(She shows at least three pages, both sides, the others are adamant - NO!)
WANDA - (Laughing) You a mean one for sure!
JEANNIE - But wait...... now we have the list of what Wanda does for herself!
(She holds up a tiny post it note and the others howl with laughter)
JEANNIE - Oh, don't laugh, there's a lot on here! Just listen to breakfast......(reads) ....eats the leftovers from George's plate.......and for exercise.....oh, that's what folding the wash is good for! And for a break.....
(She turns over the paper)
JEANNIE - I guess that's all folks!
WANDA - And how come you forgot to mention I went to the ocean? Because Jeannie insisted I go while George was takin' a nap and she watched him!
JEANNIE - Wait a minute.....there it is! A whole 45 minutes!
WANDA - It only takes 15 minutes to go and 15 minutes to walk and 15 minutes to come home......
JEANNIE - Excuse me! I should have realized that you had all that lolling time......and when was the last time you went to the ocean - or a movie.....or to see a friend......or anywhere else by yourself.....Miss Wanda?
WANDA - (Mumbles)
JEANNIE - We can't hear you!
WANDA - All right! Maybe it's been a while.......you just don't let up do you,, girl! You're like a pitbull with a bad tooth! And maybe....you got a point......and maybe George has now agreed to let our kids get someone to help me out a day or two every week.....
(The others cheer)
JEANNIE - Well I'll be glad to give a hand until you find someone, you know that.....
WANDA - (Horrified) Oh, no, Jeannie! We gonna find somebody real fast!
JEANNIE - Someone different from me?
WANDA - (Really horrified) You did hear!
JEANNIE - George said something a tiny bit politically incorrect....
WANDA - Oh no!
(She hides her face and she and Jeannie start laughing)
JEANNIE - I thought I heard him say he didn't want ....how did he put it so delicately?
WANDA - (Shaking her head) Didn't want no white woman touchin' his privates!
(The others enjoy this and Wanda shakes her head again)
WANDA - But it worked......I mean, we got two women comin' over this week for interviews.....so maybe, just maybe, you were right.....
JEANNIE - The three words every woman wants to hear! Let's have a toast to Wanda getting a few minutes to herself.....how many years has it been?
WANDA - Too many!
(The others lift their coffee cups as the lights dim)
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first posted - but still very true! Day #1048 The List (for Caregivers Anonymous) by Janet S. Tiger (c) Dec. 26, 2016
first posted - but still very true! Day #1048 The List (for Caregivers Anonymous) by Janet S. Tiger (c) Dec. 26, 2016
* Note: A few words about 'free' - all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty
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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315 CaregiversAnon.org
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
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