Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free* monologue a day- -and still going!
Today is Day # 1419! To look at the other 1418 titles - click here
Today is Day # 1419! To look at the other 1418 titles - click here
first year - Feb. 13, 2014 - Feb. 12, 2015 second year - Feb. 13, 2015 - Feb. 12, 2016 third year - Feb. 13, 2016 - today!
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Monologue Mania Day # 1420 Get A Cold by Janet S. Tiger (c) Jan. 3, 2018
Note - Due to popular request, I am including this monologue in honor of Jonathan Dunn-Rankin - (see Day # 304) for whom I wrote this, and I will always hear his voice in it. In deference to the rule of a new monologue every day, or one that has been re-worked, I have added some of Jonathan's suggestions. Thank you for your support of my work - always! Rest in peace, sweet prince. And there is a link here for a video of Jonathan performing this monologue.
(He exits. The end.)
GET A COLD
(Monologue from THE END OF DEATH)
© Aug. 26, 2005 Janet S. Tiger all rights reserved
(The set is fairly simple, a modern chair, table, box of kleenex, small garbage pail.
The man -this could also be a woman, as long as she, too is old- comes onstage. He
is very old, wearing a simple, toga-like outfit. His hair is wild, and he is exuberant.)
Now, my friends, I have to tell you about my favorite part of this process. Those of you......
(He indicates the audience)
......who are not as old as I am will probably not remember what I’m going to tell you about. Those of you who lived before the dawn of our new technology might have experienced this many, many years ago.
Being my second birthday – that’s two million days for those of you who just came in – I wanted to fully know what it was like….to have a cold.
I can see some of you shaking your heads – who wants to have a cold. But I was born after colds and other illness had been eradicated – so I never had the joy. I can hear you laughing again, (mimics) ‘Why not use RT – revisiting technology – to go back and see what a cold was like?’ I suppose that’s one option, but let me ask those of you who lived during the electrical energy age – how often did you return to the pre-electrical age for fun? I’m not talking about blackouts, but turning off electricity for a week or two, just to remember what the 1800s felt like.
(Listens)
Not many did.
But this is different – this is the end of my time in this plane of existence, so I want to go out not having missed one thing. So I set out to catch a cold. This is a funny expression in itself. There’s catch a fish, catch a train, catch a plane, catch a shooting star – all with wonderful connotations.
But to catch a cold – that’s like saying you want to catch a broken leg or catch …well, you understand. But then, I caught the cold. What happened was that I stopped all the morning wellness injections. Nothing happened for awhile, because I did it slowly. I’ve read that if you stop cold turkey you can die the next day because your immune system is so affected!
So I slowly eased off, and waited. And I was well for awhile – and then, it happened! (He sneezes very loudly) That’s how it starts you see – with one of those – they’re called (enunciates very clearly) a suh-neee-zuh! And they feel fantastic! What a sensation! You can feel it through your whole body! It’s almost like - yes, it’s like that!
Anyhow, the first sneeze is followed by….(he sneezes violently several times). Many more. They are not as much fun when you have to do it a lot. And your throat gets sore – very painful. And it feels like it’s swelling up. And then your head gets all stuffy (starts talking as if he has a cold) add you stad talking like dis….And your nose starts dripping…..(he gets the kleenex and starts blowing his nose)
These are the most amazing invention. I went into the archives and the first of these were cotton....
(Shows a cloth handkerchief)
Very unsanitary, but then. So were all those days. But these ...
(He holds up the kleenex box)
Ingenious. See how they pop up all by themselves!
(He pulls a few out)
I could do this all day!
And then you get a fever. Now, from what I read, not all colds get a fever, but I was lucky enough to develop one. Now that is a sensation! First, you get very, very cold. Not like outer space cold, but from the inside out, it actually feels as if the inside of you, all your internal organs, bones, everything, is freezing.
These are called blankets (holds them up) They were used before radiant heat panels, so I decided to try them for authenticity. They don’t get you warm at all! You shiver and shake with the cold, even when you have five of them on you!
But then, the shaking stops and you start to boil! The sweat drips off your face and you stay under the covers because if you put on a cool breeze you feel worse! It is an astonishing range of concurrent sensations! I highly recommend it!
Once the fever has calmed down, a new stage begins – total ennui. You have absolutely no energy. I see some of shaking your heads – why would someone choose to have no energy? Good question! No energy means you just sit…like a big lump of….being. You can’t think too much with the congestion - it’s very hard to think straight. But all you want to do is just exist. No running to other galaxies for the weekend. No visiting the exploding star of this year. No….nothing. You can listen to music, that’s pleasant. You can stare at the wall or read if your eyes aren’t too blurry.
But most of the time all you want to do is…nothing. Time is very strange – I don’t think Einstein or Wanderly ever thought of time in this way – slowing to a crawl because of a virus. Of course, perhaps they didn’t like colds because they couldn’t avoid them, but time becomes a part of your soul. And it is mind altering in that way.
Because I had studied up on colds, I wanted to do the things that were done thousands of years ago. (He holds up a book) This is a very old communications manual known then as a book. They were in use before screen generators were invented. They are actually fascinating to look at – and much easier on the eyes when you have a cold. They even feel good to touch – and the….these are called pages….make a lovely sound when turned.
Anyhow, in the book, it told of the remedies for colds in that time. (Laughs) It’s funny, they even had a saying….Prevention is nine-tenths of the cure of a cold. Of course we don’t say that anymore because we know prevention is 100% of the cure! But getting back to remedies, even then it was known if you left a cold alone it lasted one week, but if you treated it, it only lasted 7 days!
So I picked one of the most controversial remedies - made out of some animal boiled with spices and vegetables – and it was called …chicken soup! I know it sounds gruesome, but please remember in those days, laboratory creation of meat and other food items was in its infancy. But to aid in the authenticity, I went to one of the Natural Life colonies…you know, the people who refuse to live forever and continue to use only technology from before the year 2078. They only survive a mere few hundred years, but they are an incredible source for all this ancient stuff.
I even got to see and touch a living chick-en. Frankly, they are not attractive animals, but I have to say, their sah-oup is delicious! Even though your brain knows intellectually that the soup is in no way curing the disease – or even shortening the duration! – it doesn’t matter. Your brain and whole body is filled with this warm, loving soup that makes you feel better – even if you’re not. It is a conundrum that your brain thinks about because it can’t do much else.
I have to be honest, there were a few moments – just a few – where I considered using our modern methods and ending the misery of that moment. But I resisted, because the overall was so much better than any one moment. And, slowly, the cold started to go away. Why they say ‘going away’ is also a mystery to me. If you try to catch a cold, wouldn’t you be releasing it?
Anyhow, (Blows his nose loudly) as the cold continues, the nasal passages are totally clogged. You have to blow your nose constantly. (He blows loudly to illustrate) And then you have to keep blowing. (Again, long time blowing, slows, then blows again, slowly dying out, then one last gigantic clearing.) It does get a little tedious at the end, but the tedium is relieved by what is coming out of your sinus cavities! The kleenexes become filled with the most fascinating colors of green and yellow mucousoid structures. (Blows again and looks at it) Of all shapes and sizes toward the end of the cold. By the way, I saved some to show you –(but when he sees the reaction, he stops) perhaps later.
And one amazing side effect is, well, because your nose is stopped up with all this slithery stuff, you have no usable sense of smell. I did not bypass this symptom with the brain access codes, because I wanted to fully enjoy every symptom.
Eating becomes like, (thinking of a word), like chewing on paper or swallowing gooey things. There is no urge to eat – the appetite dissipates and it is possible to lose several flesh meters during the duration of the cold. Your skin can become all wrinkly like this….(He holds his chin and wriggles it at the audience) It’s a strange sensation! I know none of you have this type of skin, so let me tell you it is a great deal of fun to play with! It is one of the many enjoyable aspects of this experience.
When I say enjoy, I can see how you people react, so let me explain. The skin, the blowing, the not eating is not pleasant – but when you get well – oh, my goodness! Everything tastes so incredibly (searches for word) powerful! It’s as if you taste things for the very first time! The juice of oranges almost burns your tongue but you don’t care! A piece of lightly burned bread –they used to call it toast – with yellowed dairy and crushed strawberry –butter and jam – what a gastronomical delight!
Each day that passes, the cold symptoms reduce in quantity, if not quality. I read that a little cough can develop, but I did not get one with this cold. Perhaps next time – I have something to look forward to!
And that brings me to a special part of the experience and that is - the total surprise! You don’t know when you’re going to get one – or even why you get it. It’s better than the time travel movies of other people’s lives – because this is a surprise in your life! You can’t appreciate this until you’ve lived through it. Not knowing what is going to happen…….(he is quiet in thought)
And then one day, you wake up and you realize you are completely well! The air smells fresher! The light is brighter! You appreciate being healthy again! You have energy, an interest in the worlds…you have a sense of your whole body being….happy! It is as if you have been…. reborn!
So for all these reasons, I highly recommend a cold to everyone!
(He starts to exit the stage)
Now, getting diarrhea - that’s another story…..
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This was the first piece written for the play THE END OF DEATH http://theendofdeath.com/
I wrote this for Jonathan - it was produced as part of my first year as Playwright-in-Residence at Swedenborg Hall. Without Jonathan, I would never have gotten to this point. Thank you.....you may have passed from this dimension, but you will live forever in our hearts.
And right now, I am sick! So it is very appropriate!
First posted Day #305 by Janet S. Tiger Get a Cold Dec. 14, 2014
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This was the first piece written for the play THE END OF DEATH http://theendofdeath.com/
I wrote this for Jonathan - it was produced as part of my first year as Playwright-in-Residence at Swedenborg Hall. Without Jonathan, I would never have gotten to this point. Thank you.....you may have passed from this dimension, but you will live forever in our hearts.
And right now, I am sick! So it is very appropriate!
First posted Day #305 by Janet S. Tiger Get a Cold Dec. 14, 2014
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* Note: A few words about 'free' - all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty
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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315 CaregiversAnon.org
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
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