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Monologue Mania Day # 1449 Making the Grade by Janet S. Tiger (c) Feb. 1, 2018
Making the Grade (originally Day Job)
Making the Grade (originally Day Job)
By
Janet S. Tiger
© Jan. 31, 2018 all rights reserved
Characters
–
PROFESSOR LEVINSON – male, 60s, Medium European accent
BRETT – his student- male, late teens – early 20s, very drunk
Setting
–
Professor Levinson’s college office,
night
(Late night, an American college. Professor Levinson’s office, messy. He
is grading
papers, it's late, his cell phone rings)
LEVINSON
- (Thick accent) Yes, dear, I’m almost
through. No, dear, I prefer
grading here, as always, it’s
quiet, no distractions. I’ll be home
when I’ve finished them all….(a little sad)….no, I won’t stay to work on the
novel……
(Brett appears at the door, slightly bombed,
with a bottle. Levinson
looks
up, not surprised)
LEVINSON
– I have to go dear….. lots to do…….I’ll call when I’m done.
BRETT- (Midwest accent) So, have you graded my test yet?
LEVINSON - I'm
not sure.....what's your name?
BRETT - I knew
it...you don't know who I am!
LEVINSON - I
have four classes, with 100 students in each at the beginning....
BRETT - Yeah,
but there's only twenty left at the end!
LEVINSON – (Ignores
the insult) Still, 400 to start, then 80
to remember, a lot of
names to a lot of
faces....I gave up the name game long ago.....
(Brett snorts and Levinson looks at him)
LEVINSON - But I
do know who you are.....you're the
young man in my 2pm who sits
in the back and is watching
his phone throughout the class...
BRETT - Not
true! I give you five minutes, then I give up! History
is mind-numbing
boring!
LEVINSON - Don’t
look now, but you are part of history.
Tonight is part of history. If
my grandparents hadn’t
escaped from the Nazis, we wouldn’t be having this little
chat. Don’t
you see….history from the past is the foundation of us now. Do you look
at the bottom of your house and say, I don't like the sand, the dirt, it's
boring? Do you say that? Do you think that?
BRETT - I don't
think about anything at all!
LEVINSON - I
won't argue.
BRETT - The
foundation! What a crock! Who cares what anyone did a million years
ago!
LEVINSON - I do.
Just as I care about the foundation of my home, whether my
house will stand strong through storms and other trials, I care
whether the foundation of my community, my country soul, has those same
strengths, whether or not we will survive the trials of this era, which are
always many....You didn’t live through times like World War II, so you have no
idea how bad things can get……history DOES repeat itself…
BRETT - You just
love to talk, don't you?
LEVINSON -
Actually, I do love to talk, have since I was a boy, that’s one reason I
became a professor……they wanted me to be a
rabbi, but because I loved to talk too much, there was some objection…..from
the other rabbis!……but I also NEED to grade these papers, for the few attending
who care what they get on their test, on their report cards, on their
lives......
BRETT- Well, I
don't care.....because, this is my last test.
(He takes out a gun, the LEVINSON looks and puts down the pen)
LEVINSON - If
you plan on killing me, I can assure you, that will not improve your
grade.
BRETT - Amazing!
All you can think about is you! I'm not gonna kill YOU.......
(He holds the gun to his head)
LEVINSON - Well,
that is one way of avoiding the finals.
(The BRETT puts down the gun and laughs)
BRETT - Always
with the stupid jokes.....
LEVINSON - That
wasn't a joke.....I was agreeing with your plan to have this as your
last test, although I would prefer you go
elsewhere, as having to clean up the mess will involve delaying the test grading......
BRETT- Do you understand what is happening
here? Do you have any clue?
LEVINSON – Of course I
do. You’re here to annoy me and I’m not
going to let you do it.
BRETT - God!
It’s like you …you can’t deviate from the path!
LEVINSON - Each life has a path….this is mine. You have to choose yours.
BRETT- Yeah - to
be born, to be bored, to die!
LEVINSON - Each
to his own.
BRETT - So what am I supposed to do? Live what you want from me?
LEVINSON - And
what is it exactly that you want from me?
Sympathy? A tear or
two? The begging for you not to kill
yourself? How would that help me or my life? Do you think
that I.. …me....the professor you hate the most in the class you hate the
most...that I could in some way influence you..to not kill yourself in a drunken stupor? And that this
convincing would have any positive outcome on the rest of your life?
How foolish! How
unthinking! How …..meshugah!
BRETT - What?
LEVINSON - Meshugah means crazy….maybe you’re not crazy,
just stupid.
BRETT - (Furious)
Are you calling me crazy AND stupid?
LEVINSON - If
you listened, which I know you can if you wanted, but you always
choose not to.....if
you listened, I said what you are doing
is stupid ……
(Brett holds the gun to his head, Levinson
goes to the table and sits)
BRETT - But I'm
going to do it! For real!
LEVINSON- In
that case, I'm going to try and grade one more paper.....if you do
shoot, please go over there so the blood won't
spatter on these papers. I doubt the other students would like that)
(As the LEVINSON proceeds grade the next
paper, Brett tries to figure out what to do)
LEVINSON -
(Looking up) Oh, please, what is your name?
BRETT -
Hastings.....Brett......
(Levinson makes a note)
LEVINSON - Thank
you......if you go through with it, then I won’t have to grade your paper....
BRETT -
Unfucking believable!
LEVINSON - I
would appreciate if you would refrain from language like that.....
BRETT – Amazing! (Imitates
the accent) ‘Refrain from language like
that’ - you care
more about
the damned language than about what happens to another human being!
LEVINSON -
(Quiet) And why should I care about you when you don't care about
yourself?
(Brett sits heavily, the arm holding the gun drops
it, and he begins to cry)
BRETT - (In anguish)
I do care! Too much! I wanna quit this place and never come
back!
LEVINSON - Then
leave.
BRETT - It's not
so easy!
LEVINSON - Oh,
but it usually is.......
BRETT- But I
don't wanna quit! I wanna finish this, but I just can't stand it!
(The LEVINSON stands now and takes off his
coat)
LEVINSON - That
reminds me of something from when I was a boy, back in New
York, there was a song my parents taught me
that my friends and I performed for the school one talent night....
(He dances throughout this next song)
LEVINSON - (Like
Jimmy Durante) Did ya ever get the feeling that you wanted to
go.....and then you
got the feeling that you wanted to stay.....
(He almost falls, stops as Brett laughs)
LEVINSON - We weren't
very good then either. I suppose time has not improved my
stage abilities.....
BRETT - All I wanna do is my music….that’s all….but
my parents, they just want me to get some
dumb degree so I ca……TEACH music! My dad said I need a …a day job! They think
I’m a slacker…..but I’m not! I play
every day, practice for hours! And all
they want is……
LEVINSON - (Cuts him off) Excuse me, but I tried to make it clear, that
I do not care
what YOU want, so, by inference, I hope you
realize I care even less about your parents and what they think……
BRETT- How do you do that? Not care!
LEVINSON - It’s easy.
I make a choice WHAT to care about….my family, my synagogue, my
friends, my daughter…..my grandchildren……You,
and all your nameless compatriots mean nothing to me because you choose to mean
nothing to yourselves…I cannot fix you and I will not even attempt to try! You need to do this work yourself…..to get
help if you want….
BRETT - Help from who? That’s why I came to you!
LEVINSON - (Laughs)
You came to me for help? You
didn’t come in to any of my
open door sessions on any week….you didn’t
tell me that you were having trouble…..why should I help you if you can’t help
yourself! And don’t ask me
where….there’s a counselor on campus, and there is a hospital not two miles
from here……I don’t recommend driving as you are very inebriated…..
BRETT - Will you take me?
LEVINSON - Of course not! I have work to do…..
BRETT - Amazing!
You’re like a super-hero of ‘I don’t give a shit…!’
LEVINSON - Come now, with your phone, you can call one of
those Uber things and
you’re all set…..
(Brett sits heavily, takes out his
phone, looks at it, does nothing)
LEVINSON - It’s your life, it’s your choice……I have work
to do…..
(Levinson sits and begins grading
another paper, Brett stares at
him, then walks for a moment, picks up the
gun, looks at it, looks at Levinson, who ignores him. Brett puts down the gun and takes his phone,
punches in some directions)
BRETT - There’s someone nearby, I can be picked up in
a coupla minutes…….
(Levinson shrugs, continues to
grade)
BRETT - Amazing!
(He punches the buttons, puts the phone in his
pocket, Levinson looks up)
LEVINSON - If you’re going….for help I presume…..there
is one thing…
BRETT- You’re gonna wish me good luck?
LEVINSON - Oh no!
Not that!
BRETT - Why am I not surprised…
LEVINSON - You came here with a gun….. In spite of all
the guns in this country….
some in the administration might find that to
be ….unpleasant. And I…I do not want
attention for this ….attention of any kind….so if I do not mention your
firearm…..I would appreciate your not mentioning it…..or that you brought it
here……just skip this whole evening and I will, too….
BRETT - (Surprised but relieved) You’d do that for me?
LEVINSON – Do not
flatter yourself….this is not for you…..I
do not want attention for
this….attention of any
kind….are we in agreement?
BRETT - And if I tell?
LEVINSON - Then you
will be in jail…..possibly expelled, as there is a no-gun rule
on this campus. Again, your choice.
BRETT- (Thinking)
Maybe….maybe you’re right…
LEVINSON- Of course I’m right…..but that doesn’t mean
others are wrong…..life is
very strange
that way…… I wanted to be a writer, write a great novel……that’s why I have a
...what you call a ‘day job’ which has enabled me to raise a family…..own an
automobile and a house……
BRETT - What about your novel?
(The professor pulls a briefcase up
from behind the desk)
LEVINSON - I have been working on it ….longhand of
course….for 35 years
42 different drafts…..(sighs heavily)……293 rejection letters..
BRETT - (Under his breath) And I bet they all said it was boring…..
(The professor ignores him, drops
the briefcase behind the desk)
LEVINSON - But tonight, your interruption will probably
make it impossible to write anything!
BRETT - (Sheepish)
I’m sorry, this was probably a little upsetting….
LEVINSON - Do I look upset? Your intrusion cost me my precious writing
time! You
have no idea how valuable time is! And you were going to take all your time –
and some of mine with it! I am not upset! I am ANNOYED!
But I’ll get over it……and so will you…..
(A beeping comes from the phone)
BRETT - They’re here……
LEVINSON - Not a minute too soon…..
(Brett shakes his head, turns to
leave, stops, looks back)
BRETT - Aren’t you gonna give me a hug or something?
(The professor looks horrified,
Brett laughs)
LEVINSON - I
will give you this…..
(He takes a test from the desk
and hands it to the BRETT)
BRETT - But I thought you said you weren’t going to
grade this……it would be a waste
of time if I killed
myself….
LEVINSON - But you didn’t and I did …..grade it……. You
got a B minus…..with just
a little work, it would have been an A.
(Brett takes the test, he is
touched, the professor holds out his hand to shake)
LEVINSON - Good luck.
BRETT - Thank you.
(The phone beeps, and Brett takes the gun and
puts it in his pocket, turns to leave)
LEVINSON – Oh, one
last thing….
BRETT – Yes…sir.
LEVINSON- Don’t ever do this again! And if you do, please choose another professor!
(Brett shakes his head and leaves
and the professor works for a moment, then goes to the
door, locks it, and
takes a deep breath, holds his head in his hands, shaking, he looks up)
LEVINSON - (Heartfelt)
Thank you, God! I got to save one
life – so I guess, I got to save the
whole world tonight!
(He then goes to where Brett left the bottle
and takes a big swig. His cell phone
rings)
LEVINSON - (Getting hold of himself) No, my dear…..I’m just about finished for the
night……what? My voice sounds funny? I just had a little drink that’s
all……Nothing exciting……nothing exciting ever
happens when grading papers, does it? ……I’ll
be home soon…..yes, dear, I love you, too….
(He puts the phone into his pocket,
goes to the desk, is about to leave, when
he takes the last drink from the bottle. He lifts the briefcase with the novel, hugs
it to himself, starts to leave, then stops suddenly, sits down. He looks at the door, then the bottle,
smiles, and opens the briefcase, takes out paper. Lights
dim as he starts to write.)
LEVINSON - (Writing)
New title – The day I saved the world……The professor was grading
papers when the young
man entered the classroom……
(He leans back his head and smiles, looks at
the paper and now continues to write furiously. Blackout. The end)
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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315 CaregiversAnon.org
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
