Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Monologue Mania Day # 1182 Are You Now Or Have You Ever Been A Columnist by Janet S. Tiger (c) May 10, 2017

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Monologue Mania Day # 1182 Are You Now Or Have You Ever Been A Columnist by Janet S. Tiger (c) May 10, 2017  
       Are You Now Or Have You Ever Been A Columnist    
                                 a monologue by Janet S. Tiger 
                                                (c) all rights reserved (c) 2017

         (The actor is a bit....agitated, wringing hands)

For all you following my column, I say thank you again for your devotion.  It has been an amazing 10 years, one column a day in this newspaper, and I appreciate all the good wishes.

Today's column is televised because....well, it's a special column.

As you know, I have had one follower who was with me throughout this ten years.  This person wrote to me after day 1, telling me how much my words moved them, and over the years, noticed and made wise remarks about my words, even noting how I had a signature - no one else had noticed that!  Even when the column looked as if it was done, the follower noticed I always made a comment indicating there would be more, and they were happy there was more!  How I loved listening to those notes!  This person was always complimentary.....telling me how much they loved my work.....and how they hoped I would continue with my prose ....forever!

Well, I have tried.  My best!  And my follower followed faithfully......year in, year out.  Through marriage and divorces, births and deaths and hospital stays!  And then.....

         (Eye starts twitching, head shaking)

Just a few short weeks ago, my faithful follower sent me a note that said.....

         (Takes out paper from pocket and reads)

'Are you sure you haven't been repeating yourself?'

         (Deep breath)

Repeating myself.  (Getting angry)  Repeating myself!!!!  I work very hard to give a BRAND NEW column EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Oh, yes, it was tempting to pull an old column back - especially around the holidays when it gets busy.....but I never did!  Okay, I changed a little and called it new, but, outside of a VERY FEW DAYS, each column was new.  

Or so I thought.  But once the seeds of doubt are sown.......I found that where I loved writing my column, suddenly, I couldn't sleep until I checked to see if what I had just written was a mimicry of an earlier post.  

At first, it looked as if the complaint was unjustified, then, as I started to worry more, I noticed similarities......samenesses of construction, verbiage....even whole sentences that were very close......even....dare I say it?  Identical!  they were all the same!  the same!

Now I couldn't sleep at all!  I worried all day about the column!  What could I possibly write that was new!  Even Shakespeare died before anyone could complain his plays all sounded alike!

What was going to happen to me!  I couldn't continue to write.....I began a steady decline until yesterday, when the idea hit me.....for a brand new column that I knew I had never written before!  

So I contacted my follower, the one who had so well sown those seeds of doubt that had blossomed into weeds of despair!  And we met, and took a hike up a mountain path I have often walked to get inspiration......

          (Remembering, walking, smiling)

And when we reached the summit, I pointed at the bottom of the mountain......

         (Points down)

'Is that....a body down there?'

         (Leans to look)

And then......

         (Makes a pushing motion with arms)

I pushed my follower off the hill!

(Laughing wildly)  And now there was a body at the bottom of the hill!

And this is my column for today!  And I add that.....I will turn to leave, but then I stop and look back to tell you.....

        (Turns to leave, stops, looks back)

There is no doubt this was an original column because..... I can guarantee - this is the first time I killed a reader!

        (Exits to a lovely padded room)


For those concerned about this writer, please note, it's only 3+ years, I have no intention of murdering anyone (no matter what they think of my work!) - and best of all - I plan to keep writing ....forever!


Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty 
Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315      
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

1 comment:

Jennifer Silva Redmond said...

Maybe I shouldn't comment...but I loved this one!