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I've continued with a monologue a day until the spirit moves me to stop - if you have any ideas for a monologue you want me to write, please let me know at tigerteam1@gmail.com.
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Monologue Mania Day # 1225 Not a Monologue revisited by Janet S. Tiger (c) June 22, 2017
Not a Monologue
Not a Monologue
(Definitely not) a monologue by Janet S. Tiger
tigerteam1@gmail.com
(Two sisters come onstage, one from either side of the stage. They are on cell phones - Pam and Lynn. The conversation goes faster as they get more annoyed.)
PAM - Hello? Lynn? Is that you?
LYNN - Can you hear me?
PAM - I hate your phone, I can never hear what you're saying.
LYNN - Then why did you call?
PAM - You called me, twice! One time I couldn't understand a word you were saying, the other time, well, I forget what you were calling about.
LYNN - Are you sure I called you?
PAM - Almost positive.
LYNN - Was it about Daddy?
PAM - Probably, since that's the only reason we ever talk.
LYNN - I'll bet it was about the garbage pail.
PAM - What's the problem now? I know he loves the new pail.
LYNN- No, you love the new pail.
PAM - The old one smelled
LYNN- Well, he thinks the new one smells.
PAM - He's wrong.
LYNN - Then you argue with him.
PAM - About what?
LYNN - He wants the old pail back.
PAM - I threw it out.
LYNN - I know.
PAM - So get him those bags that have the anti-odor shield.
LYNN- I got them. He has them.
PAM - So what's the problem?
LYNN - They don't work.
PAM - Says who?
LYNN - Says Daddy. And what he says, goes.
PAM - So what do you want me to do?
LYNN - Get the old pail back.
PAM - I told you - I THREW IT OUT!
LYNN - Don't yell at me! I know you threw it out - I told you not to- remember?
PAM - The old pail smelled!
LYNN - Irrelevant! He wants it back! He says the old one did not smell but the new one does, so GET THE OLD ONE BACK!
PAM - What do you expect me to do, go to the dump?
LYNN - There's a plan.
PAM - Can't you convince him that the new one is better? Or just buy that old one again from wherever you got it?
(Silence)
PAM - Did you hear me? Or is your phone on the blink again?
LYNN - I heard you. How do you expect me to convince him when he thinks the new one smells and the old one didn't and you never should have thrown the new one out and I told you so! But you never listen to me and now you are face to face with the horror of replacing a garbage pail that has been impossible to find!! I have looked through ten stores in person and hundreds online and that style of garbage pail - with the rectangular top that flips open! - has been DISCONTINUED!
PAM - (Like a parrot) I can see that you are a little frustrated.
LYNN - Is that what the new therapist tells you to say when faced with a person who is READY TO MURDER YOU?
PAM - I can see that you are more than a little frustrated, how can I help you?
LYNN - How can you help me? You can find the damned garbage pail! You can stop throwing away stuff before we know if he wants it thrown away!
PAM - How long a cooling off period is necessary for these smelly items?
LYNN - (Horrifed) Are there more items you've discarded?
PAM - Just some old telephones....
LYNN - (Screams) NO!!!!!!!!
PAM - And he told me to get rid of....... all his old shorts.....
LYNN - (Almost sobbing) Oh, no! Not the walking shorts! They don't make that style anymore!
Oh, God, please tell me this is a nightmare!
PAM- Your problem is you get too upset....
LYNN- I get upset? Look at who went crazy over a garbage pail! And over cantaloupe and old shorts!
PAM -- Well, don't worry, I'll get replacements.....and we'll have a nice party for Daddy for his birthday......
LYNN - Which I will have to put together!
PAM - But you're so good at that!
LYNN - Thank you.....Pam, what were we fighting about just now?
PAM - Hello? Lynn? Is that you?
LYNN - Can you hear me?
PAM - I hate your phone, I can never hear what you're saying.
LYNN - Then why did you call?
PAM - You called me, twice! One time I couldn't understand a word you were saying, the other time, well, I forget what you were calling about.
LYNN - Are you sure I called you?
PAM - Almost positive.
LYNN - Was it about Daddy?
PAM - Probably, since that's the only reason we ever talk.
LYNN - I'll bet it was about the garbage pail.
PAM - What's the problem now? I know he loves the new pail.
LYNN- No, you love the new pail.
PAM - The old one smelled
LYNN- Well, he thinks the new one smells.
PAM - He's wrong.
LYNN - Then you argue with him.
PAM - About what?
LYNN - He wants the old pail back.
PAM - I threw it out.
LYNN - I know.
PAM - So get him those bags that have the anti-odor shield.
LYNN- I got them. He has them.
PAM - So what's the problem?
LYNN - They don't work.
PAM - Says who?
LYNN - Says Daddy. And what he says, goes.
PAM - So what do you want me to do?
LYNN - Get the old pail back.
PAM - I told you - I THREW IT OUT!
LYNN - Don't yell at me! I know you threw it out - I told you not to- remember?
PAM - The old pail smelled!
LYNN - Irrelevant! He wants it back! He says the old one did not smell but the new one does, so GET THE OLD ONE BACK!
PAM - What do you expect me to do, go to the dump?
LYNN - There's a plan.
PAM - Can't you convince him that the new one is better? Or just buy that old one again from wherever you got it?
(Silence)
PAM - Did you hear me? Or is your phone on the blink again?
LYNN - I heard you. How do you expect me to convince him when he thinks the new one smells and the old one didn't and you never should have thrown the new one out and I told you so! But you never listen to me and now you are face to face with the horror of replacing a garbage pail that has been impossible to find!! I have looked through ten stores in person and hundreds online and that style of garbage pail - with the rectangular top that flips open! - has been DISCONTINUED!
PAM - (Like a parrot) I can see that you are a little frustrated.
LYNN - Is that what the new therapist tells you to say when faced with a person who is READY TO MURDER YOU?
PAM - I can see that you are more than a little frustrated, how can I help you?
LYNN - How can you help me? You can find the damned garbage pail! You can stop throwing away stuff before we know if he wants it thrown away!
PAM - How long a cooling off period is necessary for these smelly items?
LYNN - (Horrifed) Are there more items you've discarded?
PAM - Just some old telephones....
LYNN - (Screams) NO!!!!!!!!
PAM - And he told me to get rid of....... all his old shorts.....
LYNN - (Almost sobbing) Oh, no! Not the walking shorts! They don't make that style anymore!
Oh, God, please tell me this is a nightmare!
PAM- Your problem is you get too upset....
LYNN- I get upset? Look at who went crazy over a garbage pail! And over cantaloupe and old shorts!
PAM -- Well, don't worry, I'll get replacements.....and we'll have a nice party for Daddy for his birthday......
LYNN - Which I will have to put together!
PAM - But you're so good at that!
LYNN - Thank you.....Pam, what were we fighting about just now?
PAM - Fighting? Who said we were fighting? I don't remember a fight!
LYNN - Do you think....maybe....taking care of Dad is starting to.... take its toll?
PAM - I have no idea what you mean - everything is going great! I'm just having a little trouble remembering things, that's all....
LYNN - Like, when we have a fight?
PAM - What fight?
LYNN - I don't know......I forgot already.
PAM - And I am still trying to remember what the other call was about....
LYNN - You said you couldn't understand it.....
PAM - That's right! Why did you call?
LYNN - Are you sure I called?
(The two start to exit, look back at each other, smile)
PAM - We can talk later, love ya.
LYNN - Love ya.....Hey, sis, glad you came back to town.....
PAM - And I am still trying to remember what the other call was about....
LYNN - You said you couldn't understand it.....
PAM - That's right! Why did you call?
LYNN - Are you sure I called?
(The two start to exit, look back at each other, smile)
PAM - We can talk later, love ya.
LYNN - Love ya.....Hey, sis, glad you came back to town.....
PAM - When did I leave?
(They both laugh, then hang up and wave at each other. Never the end of this conversation)
(They both laugh, then hang up and wave at each other. Never the end of this conversation)
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This was first posted - Day #467 Not a Monologue by Janet S. Tiger May 25, 2015
This was first posted - Day #467 Not a Monologue by Janet S. Tiger May 25, 2015
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* Note: A few words about 'free' - all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty
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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315 CaregiversAnon.org
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
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