Sunday, February 1, 2015

Monologue Mania Day# 354 by Janet S. Tiger Trouble With Boys Feb.1, 2015

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Monologue Mania Day# 354 by Janet S. Tiger Trouble With Boys Feb.1, 2015

                                          Trouble With Boys
                                         (from a one-act still unnamed)
                                                 by Janet S. Tiger   
                                     (c) 2015     all rights reserved

           (The woman is in her thirties, maybe early forties, hard to tell with all the make-up.  She is pacing, irritated, smoking, very irritated, with a Southern accent, yes, very irritated)

Momma, you know I have always had trouble with boys,  you were the reason it all started, remember?

           (Puts her hands up to stop the other woman)

Don't tell me you don't recall!  I was only four years old and that Jimmy Joe Carruthers came over and licked me, and I said to him, 'What the hell do you think I am, a damned ice cream cone?'

And you hauled off an swatted me!  Not him, me!  And I asked you, 'Why did you hit me, Momma, he was the one who was lickin' me!  And you said, 'I am raisin' a lady, and a lady does not use language like that, certainly not in public!'

And I explained that Daddy uses that language all the time, and you said 'but never in public'  which I suspected was a lie, but I learned very clearly, it's okay to do things with boys, so long as you don't use bad language.

Did I listen to you after that?  What about when you told me not to put beans up my nose, which I promptly did, which entailed a trip to the new doctor, who had just moved to town, replacing old Doc Weatherby, who always smelled of some type of liniment.  But the new doctor, he was good-lookin!  (Remembering)  Boy, he sure was cute!

And so I put beans up my nose all year long...... until you figured it out, and told me he was married, so I stopped with the beans.

Then, when I was in fifth grade, you recall that, doncha?  And I started developin' early, and one of the boys from sixth grade came over and grabbed one of my rapidly developing nations, I told him he could not do that.  But then he offered me a quarter.  Which was my allowance, remember?  And he got all the boys from the sixth grade class, and they lined up, and I made more than 15 weeks of allowance.......all in recess!

Then one of the boys was caught doin' somethin' in the bathroom, and he squealed on me, and you and Daddy sent me to Miss Wilkins Comportment classes for five years to make me into a lady!

Did it work?  You tell me!  And the list goes on and on, through two husbands and many a boyfriend.  Have I evah listened?

So now a handsome stranger comes to town, in a bright, shiny, foreign car...ooh, is that a pretty car!  And he is askin' me out, even though I am a divorced woman with three children, and you are givin' me advice.   Don't you ever learn?

 I'd a thought after all these years, you mighta come up with a bit more wisdom, but no, you are tellin; me to stay away from him!  And here's the best part, Momma,  he's from Canada, but his family was from France originally and  his family name was, get this, Lefevre.....which they changed to, you guessed it, Momma...... 'Bean'!

        (She laughs and turns to exit, stops, looks back)

But don't worry, Momma, I ain't gonna put him up my nose!

        (She exits in a swirl of smoke.  End of scene)
Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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