Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Monologue Mania Day # 370 by Janet S. Tiger The Beginning Feb. 17, 2015

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Monologue Mania Day # 370 by Janet S. Tiger   Feb. 17, 2015

Am starting the new blog here - Happy Hoarder
but am also going to continue this blog, using the pieces from Happy Hoarder as starting points.  Don't know if I can keep up a daily regimen of both, but will see what happens.  Who knows?  Maybe this will become the start of....the Happy Hoarding Monologues!  So will start with yesterday's HH blog, turned into a monologue.  (For those reading HH, if you read both - a monumental task! - please let me know how they translate, thanks!)

                      The Happy Hoarder - The Beginning

                                                            by Janet S. Tiger   
                                                (c) 2015     all rights reserved

           (A woman enters, she is carrying a box of items which she sets down, looks through and then turns to the audience)

After visiting my mother's home today, I have come to a complete realization -  I am a hoarder.  And I have made a decision -  I do not want to be a hoarder.

      I have known that I am.....this...... for years, but now I have also decided to have a goal...... to write about the weird things I hoard - and then discard them.  I read that if you take a photo of the item to be discarded, it is easier to let go.  Although I truly doubt this, I am going to try.  

      (She picks one of the items from the box)

For today's item, I have chosen blouses.  That may seem like more than one item, and I hope it will be, but I fear I may not be able to choose more than one blouse to give away.  For help, I am hoping to use  an extremely mathematical method.  I am donating any blouse that has a stain pattern rating beyond level three.  Since this is a personal system, I will elucidate.

       (She illustrates using the blouse.)

      Level one - One stain is allowable usually no matter where it is - although directly over a chestal region can be iffy, usually you can pretend the stain just happened.  You take off your sweater or jacket, and pretend to notice the stain for the first time.  'How did THAT get there?' you can exclaim, with the surprise worthy of a fine actress.  Of course, you can never wear that blouse again in front of the same people, but who cares?  This is a good incentive to make more friends.

       (She now holds the blouse against herself)

      Level two -  Stain two creates an even iffier situation - fully dependent on the geography of the stains.  If one is high and one is low, you can strategically place your hands over the lower stain.  However, if the two stains are close, you can use the same reaction as in the one stain scenario - the logic being whatever caused the first stain caused both.  But if the stains are of different origin, near to each other, therein lies the beginning of trouble.  What can you do?  Does a Tide pen really work?  We all know the answer to that -  the answer is.....maybe.

        Just to clarify - these stains referred to here....(points).... are old stains.  Just like older people, they have a history, and their history can be happy or sad.  A delicious chocolate sundae that creates a permanent stain never yields the same anger or annoyance as the spattered taco sauce from when your ex told you he was leaving you- for your 18 year old cousin- and you sputtered something unintelligible as the hot redness dripped on your brand new white silk top.

         (She holds up another blouse - it has a big orange stain.  She is torn between holding it and ripping it, decides to put it back)

So, we are now to stain level three- the highest level attainable.  Why?  Because by the time there are more than two stains, you are past wearing the blouse in public, this blouse has now been reassigned to the clean-up pile of clothing- only to be worn when cleaning the bathroom or helping a hoarding friend move.

Makes some sense, right?  Then why the hoarding?  Because, no matter how I rationalize saving to avoid spending, I cannot find a reason to have 39 blouses that are designated as 'clean-up only'.  And that does not include the uncounted blouses in the boxes in my storage shed.....

So, now, I am going to look at the blouses. 

       (She takes out her phone)

And photograph them, stains and all.  And then I will ....(hard to say).....give them to Amvets.  And pray they have a home for them......that some poor soul will pay a quarter for a stained blouse that has seen better days.

       (Starts to take a photo, stops, looks at the phone)

Oops, it's getting late, and it is hard to see stains at night.  So I will wait until daylight, and I will sleep well, and hope to rid myself of more of this hoard......day by day.  

       (Starts to exit, stops,looks back)

But I can have a good laugh over this because .....this is the way I will become....the Happy -former- Hoarder!

       (She exits.....End of scene)


Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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