Sunday, February 15, 2015

Monologue Mania Day # 368 by Janet S. Tiger The Happy Hoarder Feb. 15, 2015

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Monologue Mania Day # 368 by Janet S. Tiger    Feb. 15, 2015

 Below The Happy Hoarder I have my 34 Holiday  monologues
              I realize this new concept may need a different blog, but for now, am staying with this one, as, after a year, I have forgotten how to start a new blog.

                                                The Happy Hoarder  - Day 1
                                                            by Janet S. Tiger   
                                                (c) 2015     all rights reserved

     After visiting my mother's home today, I have made a decision. I am a hoarder and I do not want to be a hoarder. 

      I have known this for years, but now I have a goal to write about the weird things I hoard - and then discard them.  I read that if you take a photo of the item to be discarded, it is easier to let go.  Although I doubt this, I am going to try.  (Somehow I sense I will be hoarding in the cloud)

      For today's item, I have chosen blouses.  That may seem like more than one item, and I hope it will be, but I fear I may not be able to choose more than one blouse to give away.  For help, I am hoping to use  a very mathematical method.  I am donating any blouse that has a stain pattern rating beyond level three.  Since this is a personal system, I will elucidate.

      Level one - One stain is allowable usually no matter where it is - although directly over a chestal region can be iffy, usually you can pretend the stain just happened.  You take off your sweater or jacket, and pretend to notice the stain for the first time.  'How did THAT get there?' you can exclaim, with the surprise worthy of a fine actress.  Of course, you can never wear that blouse again in front of the same people, but who cares?  This is a good incentive to make more friends.

      Level two -  Stain two creates an iffy situation - fully dependent on the geography of the stains.  If one is high and one is low, you can strategically place your hands over the lower stain.  However, if the two stains are close, you can use the same reaction as in the one stain scenario - the logic being whatever caused the first stain caused both.  But if the stains are of different origin, near to each other, therein lies the beginning of trouble.  What can you do?  Does a Tide pen really work?  We all know the answer to that -  the answer is.....maybe.

        Just to clarify - these stains referred to are old stains.  Just like older people, they have a history, and their history can be happy or sad.  A delicious chocolate sundae that creates a permanent stain never yields the same anger or annoyance as the spattered taco sauce from when your ex told you he was leaving you- for your 18 year old cousin- and you sputtered something unintelligible as the hot redness dripped on your brand new white silk top.

          So, we are now to stain level three- the highest level attainable.  Why?  Because by the time there are more than two stains, you are past wearing the blouse in public, this blouse has now been reassigned to the clean-up pile of clothing- only to be worn when cleaning the bathroom or helping a hoarding friend move.

         Makes some sense, right?  Then why the hoarding?  Because, no matter how I rationalize saving to avoid spending, I cannot find a reason to have 39 blouses that are designated as 'clean-up only'.  (And that does not include the uncounted blouses in the boxes in my storage shed)

        So, now, I am going to look at the blouses.  And photograph them, stains and all.  And then I will give them to Amvets.  And pray they have a home for them......that some poor soul will pay a quarter for a stained blouse that has seen better days.

        Oops, it's getting late, and it is hard to see stains at night.  So I will wait until daylight, and I will sleep well, and hope to rid myself of more of this by day.  But I can have a good laugh over this because that is the way I will become....the Happy (former) Hoarder!

Holiday Monologues -  (Click on the title and it will take you to that monologue)
  I may have missed a couple, but I did a pretty good job - if you are looking for a holiday monologue- or one that involves a celebration like a birthday, anniversary, etc.  there should be one for you on this list -

Valentine's Day     Day # 2 - Valentine's Day Lament

Presidents Day      Day # 7 - When Was President's Day

Purim  -                 Day # 27 - Esther and the Pimple  (A Purim Spiel)

St. Patrick's Day - Day # 33- The Great Corned Beef Hunt

Birthday                Day # 46 - Birthday Twins

Palm Sunday         Day # 60 - Psalm Psunday

Passover                Day # 61 - Last Passover in Cairo

Tax Day                 Day # 62  The Ides of April  (Tax Day)

Mother's Day         Day # 64  Mother's Day

Easter                     Day # 67  A Rose From Death

Mother's Day          Day # 88  The Unknown Mother

Memorial Day         Day # 103 Memorial Day Memories

Sabbath                    Day # 107  1352 Sabbaths 

D-Day                      Day # 114  M-Day

Father's Day            Day # 123 Father's Daze

First Day of Summer Day # 129  First Day of Summer 

4th of July                Day # 142  A Benjamin Franklin Fourth 

4th of July sort of     Day # 143 The Anti-Fourth 

Summer Story          Day # 189  Cat Days of Summer 

9/11                           Day # 211  9/11

Rosh Hashanah         Day # 224  Apples and Honey

Yom Kippur              Day # 235 Day of Atonement

Halloween                 Day # 261 Halloweenie

Election Day             Day # 265  Election Day Winner

Thanksgiving            Day # 287  Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving -2        Day # 288  Stuffed

Thanksgiving - 3       Day # 289  The Day After 

Pearl Harbor Day      Day # 298   This is No Drill

Hanukah                    Day # 313  A Great Miracle Happened There

Christmas Eve           Day # 314  Christmas Evie

New Year's Eve          Day # 315  What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Christmas Day            Day # 316  The Gift of... 

New Year's Eve           Day # 322  Countdown

New Year's Day          Day # 323  Expiration Date

Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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