Monologue Mania: Monologue Mania Day # 1589 The Reason by Janet S. Tiger (c) June 23, 2018

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Monologue Mania Day # 1589 The Reason by Janet S. Tiger (c) June 23, 2018

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The Reason

(for Mr. Lemonhead)

(Myrna is a woman in her late 50s, and right now, very annoyed, which makes her Southern accent, usually under control, much more evident)

A reason? You think I need a reason to hate those things? I mean that is what is wrong with the world today - everybody and their uncle has to have a reason!

Well. I am tellin' you right now - I do not need a reason to hate gnomes! They are ugly, and they are stupid-looking and I hate them! And I have hated them since I first saw them when I was a child!

Now some people might say that my teacher in third grade, Mr. Timpy, looked like a gnome, which he did, and that's why I hated gnomes - but that would be wrong! Because I hated gnomes before Mr. Timpy, and I actually liked Mr. Timpy even though he looked like a gnome! So, here's the news - there is no need to have a reason to hate something stupid!

And I intend to hate gnomes until the day I die - and I am warning you - if I see any gnomes...God help their ugly souls........I am goin' to get them!

(She turns to leave, stops, looks back)

- and if you stand in my way - God help you!

(She exits. End of scene)

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The original monologue introducing the gnomes......

Monologue Mania Day #900 The Case of the Missin' Gnomes (for Mr. Lemonhead) by Janet S. Tiger (c) July 31, 2016

The Case of the Missin' Gnomes
by Janet S. Tiger (c) 2016 all rights
tigerteam1@gmail.com

(Elmira is the older sister, in her 60s, and Myrna is the younger sister. Beth is Elmira's daughter, so Auntie Myrna is Beth's aunt. Elmira is quite perturbed, yet trying not to laugh. Southern accents all)

Now, Beth, I need you to listen, and listen closely. There's been a slight problem.....with your Auntie Myrna....and the police.

I don't know if you recall when you were younger, there was a problem with Auntie Myrna and her intense dislike of......

(listens, shakes head)

No, not fruit! Everyone knows she can't stand fruit....but this is her dislike of......garden gnomes......I see you do remember, please stop laughin', this is serious!

For some reason, to date never explained, she never cared for garden gnomes of any shape, size or native origin,

In fact, you might remember, that she would......what is a good word? Abscond? Remove?

(Listens, nods)

All right, steal is the correct word! She would.....remove the source of her extreme irritation from view....which meant, takin' the gnomes from wherever she found them.....and....disposin' of them.

Which meant.....buryin' them in the area behind the second barn.......

Well, it appears that her return to our fair city....town......has meant her annoyance with the gnomes has been rekindled, and so, she has returned to her life of .....oh, I can't call it a crime!.....to her life....of...gnome removal.....midnight gnome removal.....

And that nice young assistant deputy who has way too much time on his hands, well, he was assigned this nefarious case......and discovered that the earlier missin' gnomes had been ongoin'....but had stopped suddenly, when your Auntie Myrna had left town for New Yawhk......so he has put two and two together and come up with a horrible theory that your Auntie Myrna is a gnome thief!

(Listens)

Of course it's true! Doesn't mean it's not horrible.

(Listens)

Well of course I'm gettin to the point! We need to clear your Auntie Myrna's name.......not her good name, but.....her name.....which means.....we have to help her.....she is family....crazy family, but that's what holds us all together....crazy glue! And it means that......

(Deep breath) Tonight, while Auntie Myrna is playin' bingo, givin' herself an alibi..... we need to go under cover of darkness.....to steal some gnomes.....

(She turns to leave, stops looks back)

Somehow, that sounded worse than I thought it would.......

(Lights down, end of scene)

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