Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Monologue Mania Day # 1385 The Death Report by Janet S. Tiger (c) Nov. 29, 2017

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Monologue Mania Day # 1385 The Death Report by Janet S. Tiger (c) Nov. 29, 2017  
         This was actually in my first week of monologues, (from   (c) Feb. 18, 2014  all rights reserved  Day #6) but after watching tonight's newscast, I have revised it a bit because it is- unfortunately!- still relevant.

                                                 The Death Report 
A monologue by Janet S. Tiger (c) all rights reserved  

                       (A man comes out onstage - he is dressed in a suit and tie - he looks like a news             reporter, because he is! - with the standard smile and perky attitude.)

Hello, my faithful fans on the nightly 11pm KRP Death Report!

Tonight is a great night for death because it's been a great day for death!  What's our motto?  What are you when you're finished with life?   (Joyful)  Dead!  Dead! Dead!

As always, we are your 24 hour death station - we have all the most important deaths from all over the world -

                      (He indicates a 'screen' behind him)

And all over this country......

                      (Indicates the screen again)

........and great state....

                       (He points and zooms in)

......and best of all.....every single death in this city!  That's right - all the people who have died here in your own very town - (ecstatic).....maybe, if you're lucky, you will know someone in your own neighborhood or street!

Now, due to time restrictions we can only show the famous deaths right now- but we have every single one of the ordinary deaths on our online site - just click the 'Who Died Today' button for all those details.... but for what everyone is tuning in for - murders....that's what we have tonight!

And today was a great day!  Must be the full moon, my friends....(confidential)  and for those who are accusing our channel of encouraging murders around the full moon each month, that lawsuit is still pending so we cannot comment!  

But tonight is big....(he builds on this)  we have ......shootings, stabbings, drowning, bludgeoning, electrocution, decapitation, tampering with the brakes, pushing in front of a train and even a whole group poisoning!  What a night!

And...Joey...our skateboarding dog!

                      (He watches on the 'screen' as the dog skates past with a cape that has a skull and crossbones on it)

Stay tuned.....we even have our weather report - with predictions where the next murders might be most likely to happen!

                      (Takes a deep breath)

And, as a special event....yes, for those who have been watching me for these last ten years, you know that my contract is up, this is my last evening as the newsman of the Death Report, and tomorrow you will have a newer, younger and better looking person....right here!

In exchange for this fantastic 10 years of fame and fortune....and all the women, drugs and debauchery I could take!..... as per the original contract, I will be doing something spectacular for my last night here!

Yes, folks, you've seen it before, but tonight, I  join all my former newsman in the spectacular final show - I will be ...that's right, me!  I will be committing suicide - ON THE AIR! 

                     (He throws up his hands - relishing the applause.)

Now you have seen the others, and most have chosen the traditional suicides - gun, hanging, poison – BO-RING! I say those are the past!  Old school!  And, since it is my choice how to do this, I have chosen a new way - one that you haven't seen before on this channel!  That's right, folks, get ready....because I am going to commit suicide police!

How am I going to do that?  Simple - I'm going out right now, into our beautiful city and start a shooting!  That's right - everyone in the audience has the chance to be part of this!

I have accumulated guns, grenades - all types of blow-uppy things!  And you could say - (Laughs)  Sorry for the bad joke but.......I'm going out with a bang!

 I am going to be traveling around shooting people - maybe even you! 

                     (He points at the crowd)

In a theater, a mall, a store, (singing)  on the street where you live! 

                     (He indicates the side of the stage) 

I'll have all my camera people with me -so if you see our KRP news truck - that's right, the one with the Grim Reaper on the side!  - if you see us, come on by - you could be on the news....tonight!  That's right, YOU could be famous! 

                      (He turns to leave)

....and I have to get going now before the police come for me!

                      (Runs offstage, stops at the edge.)

And thank you all for making this the best rating of my life!  Say it with me one last time.....What am I going to  be when I finish..........Dead! Dead! Dead!

                       (He exits.  We hear a blast of bullets and an explosion.  The end)

Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty 
Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315      
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8