Apr. 29, 2014 Day #76 Monologue Mania (Note- This one is originally from © March 8, 2013 all rights reserved but I did some revisions, so am counting it as half- new. The main thing that has never been seen is that I have tried to add an audio of this piece - with the late Jonathan Dunn-Rankin as the reader. Thank you, Jonathan!)
President Bird
by Janet S. Tiger
© 2014 all rights reserved
(The stage is open, and to the sounds of 'Hail to the Chief' struts out what we will see is a very, very large bird. For the purposes of ease of production, this bird may have the anthropomorphic elements of a human. But whatever is done, it is very important to understand that we are now meeting....President Bird, who is, as we can see, a truly angry bird.)
BIRD- (Angry,very angry)
There you are. This address will be short. You humans need to understand that what we have here is a failure to communicate - so I will make this very clear. (Slowly, very loud) WE ARE AT WAR!
There. it's official. You may have suspected that the Royal Order of Birds has been at odds with humans for many years now.
We have shown our contempt for your society with our concerted aerial attacks on your weapons of mass destruction- in other words - your suspicions have now been affirmed - we deliberately target your odoriferous transportation vehicles! (Calmer) We crap on your cars.
But our defense of nature has gone on relatively unnoticed by you humans, you shake your puny appendages at us as we fly away, laughing - you may call it cackling, but we both know the truth.
Our efforts have been mostly in vain - your vehicles proliferate with amazing rapidity. Rabbits and rats have nothing on your cars – the reproductive power of the automobile is astonishing! There are rumors from birds in some of our regions - what you call the Midwest, parts of China.....that these monstrosities that move and belch horrid smells are actually not living things, although they appear to breath. That they are formed in extremely large structures created by you humans.....structures that somehow replicate these almost indestructible, inedible creatures to a stunning quantity. These are only rumors of course because others of our culture have sworn under oath that they have seen your very large box-like devices actually give birth to the vehicles we see and smell every day.
And they are....everywhere!
Our penguin battalions have reported versions at all ends of these great planet we all live on - our aerial crews have given reliable testimony that these ....these living dead now have spread - using your floating monstrosities -to every location possible- to the mountains and the valleys via the oceans white with foam.....but I digress.
For this declaration of war to be fair, we will now tell you why we are at war.
You may have guessed that your continued, incessant disrespect has exacerbated this problem. Did you think we couldn't hear what you call all of our brothers in wings? (With contempt) Bird-brain! For your edification, our brains fit perfectly in our bodies - we are not the ones smashing these WMDs into each other - which results in your brains- and other body parts- being splattered all over the ground!
And what about the silliness of…(says with contempt) 'One swallow does not make a spring?” You should know by now that a bird in the hand is worth two of your Presidents Bush!
And what about these specist sayings that even your young repeat with impunity, not knowing the pain they inflict on our tiny little but very powerful ears!
Birds and the bees – are we only good enough for one letter out of your alphabet?
‘Feed the Birds’ (thoughtful) I did like that song. (Back to himself) Yes, you throw us scraps - bird food. A musical named after us. A prophetic movie named after us – Alfred knew because he was, as you put it, a strange bird.
But the verbal attacks continue -
Fowl weather! As if we are to blame for global warming!
Bird of ill omen, birds of a feather, never a kind word about the bird have I heard…..
And the saddest one – killing two birds with one song – softly
But the continuous, expanding and inexcusable murder of our brethren to feed your need to eat flesh - the collection and breeding of our poorly engineered chickens - who, unable to fly and escape are herded into tiny rooms, forced to give our youth, our eggs to feed you humans, and, then, because you…humans are never satisfied…they have to give the ultimate sacrifice -their entire bodies! Not enough that we can provide eggs – oh, no, we have to be murdered, then breaded and fried and served up to your masses while watching ridiculous games like…..(spits it out)…..foosball! (Takes deep breath, wipes an eye.)
It’s simply put - Murder Most Fowl – said by that favorite character of mine - Omelet
I could continue - but the horror makes me stop. Now we will force you to stop!
I may not be gaunt, but I am throwing down the gauntlet.
(Angry, building) And when I say I, I mean WE! There aren’t a few of us – there are billions – and if you think you know what angry is from those stupid games in your hands, let me tell you, you don’t know what angry is!
We are aiming for you! For YOUR car! Better make sure there are extra clothes in your trunk because when our squadrons attack, there is no washer fluid able to keep your windows clean! We will attack you as you leave your garages, we will attack as you park your cars, we will attack as you bring home your buckets of our Kentucky Fried Friends! We will never give up, we will never surrender! (A crescendo of fury)
There, you have our treatise – now, every time you see a spot on your windshield, your bumper, (ominous) ….you head, you will think twice …..about befouling our air, that we share with you….you will think twice about…..about eating us. (Deep breath) Why do I think I have the right to chirp to you this way? (Smiles) Because we were here first!
(Stands up straight and tall)
There, I feel all...fluttery now!
I think I need to go...take a bath....
(As he leaves, he turns back smiling)
I forgot my favorite expression, so here it is…… Nevermore!
(He flips the audience the bird, and swoops off the stage, humming as he goes, the national anthem for birds - ‘Be kind to your fine-feathered friends, For a duck may be somebody’s mother…’)
The end
Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315
