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Monologue Mania Day #467 Not a Monologue by Janet S. Tiger May 25, 2015
Monologue Mania Day #467 Not a Monologue by Janet S. Tiger May 25, 2015
Not a Monologue
(Not a) monologue by Janet S. Tiger © all rights
reserved 2015
tigerteam1@gmail.com
(Two sisters come onstage, one from either side of the stage. They are on cell phones - Pam and Lynn)
PAM - Hello? Lynn? Is that you?
LYNN - Can you hear me?
PAM - I hate your phone, I can never hear what you're saying.
LYNN - Why did you call then?
PAM - You called me, twice. One time I couldn't understand a word you were saying, the other time, well, I forget what you were calling about.
LYNN - Are you sure I called you?
PAM - Almost positive.
LYNN - Was it about Daddy?
PAM - Probably, since that's the only reason we ever talk.
LYNN - I'll bet it was about the garbage pail.
PAM - What's the problem now? I know he loves the new pail.
LYNN- No, you love the new pail.
PAM - The old one smelled
LYNN- Well, he thinks the new one smells.
PAM - He's wrong.
LYNN - Then you argue with him.
PAM - About what?
LYNN - He wants the old pail back.
PAM - I threw it out.
LYNN - I know.
PAM - So get him those bags that have the anti-odor shield.
LYNN- I got them. He has them.
PAM - So what's the problem?
LYNN - They don't work.
PAM - Says who?
LYNN - Says Daddy. And what he says, goes.
PAM - So what do you want me to do?
LYNN - Get the old pail back.
PAM - I told you - I THREW IT OUT!
LYNN - Don't yell at me! I know you threw it out - I told you not to- remember?
PAM - The old pail smelled!
LYNN - Irrelevant! He wants it back! He says the old one did not smell but the new one does, so GET THE OLD ONE BACK!
PAM - What do you expect me to do, go to the dump?
LYNN - There's a plan.
PAM - Can't you convince him that the new one is better? Or just buy that old one again from wherever you got it?
(Silence)
PAM - Did you hear me? Or is your phone on the blink again?
LYNN - I heard you. How do you expect me to convince him when he thinks the new one smells and the old one didn't and you never should have thrown the new one out and I told you so! But you never listen to me and now you are face to face with the horror of replacing a garbage pail that has been is impossible to find. I have looked through ten stores in person and hundreds online and that style of garbage pail - with the rectangular top that flips open! - has been DISCONTINUED!
PAM - (Like a parrot) I can see that you are a little frustrated.
LYNN - Is that what the new therapist tells you to say when faced with a person who is READY TO MURDER YOU?
PAM - I can see that you are more than a little frustrated, how can I help you?
LYNN - How can you help me? You can find the damned garbage pail! You can stop throwing away stuff before we know if he wants it thrown away!
PAM - How long a cooling off period is necessary for these smelly items?
LYNN - Are there more items you've discarded?
PAM - Just some old telephones....
LYNN - (Screams) NO!!!!!!!!
PAM - And he told me to get rid of all his old shorts.....
LYNN - (Almost sobbing) Not the walking shorts! They don't make that style anymore!
Oh, God, please tell me this is a nightmare!
PAM- Your problem is you get too upset....
LYNN- I get upset? Look at who went crazy over a garbage pail! And over cantaloupe and old shorts!
PAM -- Well, don't worry, I'll get replacements.....and we'll have a nice party for Daddy for his birthday......
LYNN - Which I will have to put together!
PAM - But you're so good at that!
LYNN - Thank you.....
PAM - And I am still trying to remember what the other call was about....
LYNN - You said you couldn't understand it.....
PAM - That's right! Why did you call?
LYNN - Are you sure I called?
(The two start to exit, look back at each other, smile)
PAM - We can talk later, love ya.
LYNN - Love ya.....
(They hang up and wave at each other. Never the end of this conversation)
PAM - Hello? Lynn? Is that you?
LYNN - Can you hear me?
PAM - I hate your phone, I can never hear what you're saying.
LYNN - Why did you call then?
PAM - You called me, twice. One time I couldn't understand a word you were saying, the other time, well, I forget what you were calling about.
LYNN - Are you sure I called you?
PAM - Almost positive.
LYNN - Was it about Daddy?
PAM - Probably, since that's the only reason we ever talk.
LYNN - I'll bet it was about the garbage pail.
PAM - What's the problem now? I know he loves the new pail.
LYNN- No, you love the new pail.
PAM - The old one smelled
LYNN- Well, he thinks the new one smells.
PAM - He's wrong.
LYNN - Then you argue with him.
PAM - About what?
LYNN - He wants the old pail back.
PAM - I threw it out.
LYNN - I know.
PAM - So get him those bags that have the anti-odor shield.
LYNN- I got them. He has them.
PAM - So what's the problem?
LYNN - They don't work.
PAM - Says who?
LYNN - Says Daddy. And what he says, goes.
PAM - So what do you want me to do?
LYNN - Get the old pail back.
PAM - I told you - I THREW IT OUT!
LYNN - Don't yell at me! I know you threw it out - I told you not to- remember?
PAM - The old pail smelled!
LYNN - Irrelevant! He wants it back! He says the old one did not smell but the new one does, so GET THE OLD ONE BACK!
PAM - What do you expect me to do, go to the dump?
LYNN - There's a plan.
PAM - Can't you convince him that the new one is better? Or just buy that old one again from wherever you got it?
(Silence)
PAM - Did you hear me? Or is your phone on the blink again?
LYNN - I heard you. How do you expect me to convince him when he thinks the new one smells and the old one didn't and you never should have thrown the new one out and I told you so! But you never listen to me and now you are face to face with the horror of replacing a garbage pail that has been is impossible to find. I have looked through ten stores in person and hundreds online and that style of garbage pail - with the rectangular top that flips open! - has been DISCONTINUED!
PAM - (Like a parrot) I can see that you are a little frustrated.
LYNN - Is that what the new therapist tells you to say when faced with a person who is READY TO MURDER YOU?
PAM - I can see that you are more than a little frustrated, how can I help you?
LYNN - How can you help me? You can find the damned garbage pail! You can stop throwing away stuff before we know if he wants it thrown away!
PAM - How long a cooling off period is necessary for these smelly items?
LYNN - Are there more items you've discarded?
PAM - Just some old telephones....
LYNN - (Screams) NO!!!!!!!!
PAM - And he told me to get rid of all his old shorts.....
LYNN - (Almost sobbing) Not the walking shorts! They don't make that style anymore!
Oh, God, please tell me this is a nightmare!
PAM- Your problem is you get too upset....
LYNN- I get upset? Look at who went crazy over a garbage pail! And over cantaloupe and old shorts!
PAM -- Well, don't worry, I'll get replacements.....and we'll have a nice party for Daddy for his birthday......
LYNN - Which I will have to put together!
PAM - But you're so good at that!
LYNN - Thank you.....
PAM - And I am still trying to remember what the other call was about....
LYNN - You said you couldn't understand it.....
PAM - That's right! Why did you call?
LYNN - Are you sure I called?
(The two start to exit, look back at each other, smile)
PAM - We can talk later, love ya.
LYNN - Love ya.....
(They hang up and wave at each other. Never the end of this conversation)
------------------------------------
Janet S. Tiger
858-736-6315
JanetSTigerMonologueMania.blogspot.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
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