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Monologue Mania Day #456 What I Know by Janet S. Tiger May 14, 2015
This will be in Act 2 of Caregivers Anonymous - for other monologues, please see Days # 270-273, 284-286, 314, 317, 380, 412 and yesterday, 455
What I Know
(for Caregivers Anonymous)
A monologue by Janet S. Tiger © all rights reserved 2015 tigerteam1@gmail.com
A monologue by Janet S. Tiger © all rights reserved 2015 tigerteam1@gmail.com
(Franklin points at a woman - he beckons her to come up to the wheelchair)
FRANKLIN - Come on down, Sally! You haven't been here for a few months, what's been happening with you?
(Sally is in her late 50s, early 60s - she sits in the wheelchair and whirls around)
SALLY - Oooh, I have missed you guys! But it was your fault, Franklin - you told me that I should try something new, and so I did! My cousin, Myra, her mom was my Dad's sister - and Myra's kids are now out of college and with kids and Myra has decided to go back to school!
What is she doing? She is becoming....(spits out the word) ...a therapist! Not the fancy kind with the ability to get you some good prescription meds, no, she's just getting some license so she can tell people what to do. I cannot understand why she is going to school for this - she's been telling everybody what to do for years!
But, I agreed to be her guinea pig for some paper she's doing, and so she interviewed me. I made her come over to my place, so she could see what my life is like. After two hours, she insisted we meet at Starbucks - 'less intrusive' were her exact words!
I must say, Myra should have become a stand up comic instead - she had me in stitches every time! Her first observation was that I should......'get more time for myself!' Now there's a hoot! I told her that seeing her was time for myself and she said....'two hours every two weeks isn't really enough' And I almost fell off my chair!
Then she told me that I was 'on the edge' and I could 'crack up' if I didn't get some relief. That was her technical term - 'crack up' - and I said what did she suggest? That I put my Daddy in the fridge while I went on a vacation? For some reason she was not amused.
Then she said since I was the one who sent out the Christmas letter every year - that maybe I could try a community college writing class, and she had signed me up already! The nerve!
But I went. Because you told me to try new things, Franklin, and so I tried. I showed up and I listened and I turned in the first assignment......a romance about a young girl who finds true love with a rich, troubled man who first doesn't get along with her, but then after some difficult moments, they fall in love and live happily - and richly ever after. In other words, something completely original.
And the teacher, Professor Jergins....I call him Jerkins ..... he calls me in and says (imitates) you really have ability, but perhaps you should try to write something closer to home.....
I asked him what he meant, and he asks me how old I am, am I in touch with younger people. And I say, of course, I see them on TV all day long. He said.....(imitates) I mean, perhaps, you might write about SOMETHING YOU KNOW.....
(Very annoyed) But I want to write about looooove! And romance! And happiness!
How dare he ask me to write about...... something I know! Why the hell would I want to do that? What in God's green earth would make me want to write about washing dishes? And laundry? And cleaning out potty chairs? I want to make dates and go to parties and dances and on trips! Who the hell wants to hear about juggling doctors appointments? And shopping for ointments.... for bed sores? And ....(sputtering)......chopping up food carefully so people won't choke? Just because I have to do it doesn't mean I have to write about it!
(She turns and points to Franklin)
But one thing I do know......it's your fault!
(She goes to sit in her chair, first taking three donuts with her. Franklin looks at her)
FRANKLIN - Well, maybe instead of writing about what you know, you could write about.....what you like......
(Lights down on Sally)
FRANKLIN - Come on down, Sally! You haven't been here for a few months, what's been happening with you?
(Sally is in her late 50s, early 60s - she sits in the wheelchair and whirls around)
SALLY - Oooh, I have missed you guys! But it was your fault, Franklin - you told me that I should try something new, and so I did! My cousin, Myra, her mom was my Dad's sister - and Myra's kids are now out of college and with kids and Myra has decided to go back to school!
What is she doing? She is becoming....(spits out the word) ...a therapist! Not the fancy kind with the ability to get you some good prescription meds, no, she's just getting some license so she can tell people what to do. I cannot understand why she is going to school for this - she's been telling everybody what to do for years!
But, I agreed to be her guinea pig for some paper she's doing, and so she interviewed me. I made her come over to my place, so she could see what my life is like. After two hours, she insisted we meet at Starbucks - 'less intrusive' were her exact words!
I must say, Myra should have become a stand up comic instead - she had me in stitches every time! Her first observation was that I should......'get more time for myself!' Now there's a hoot! I told her that seeing her was time for myself and she said....'two hours every two weeks isn't really enough' And I almost fell off my chair!
Then she told me that I was 'on the edge' and I could 'crack up' if I didn't get some relief. That was her technical term - 'crack up' - and I said what did she suggest? That I put my Daddy in the fridge while I went on a vacation? For some reason she was not amused.
Then she said since I was the one who sent out the Christmas letter every year - that maybe I could try a community college writing class, and she had signed me up already! The nerve!
But I went. Because you told me to try new things, Franklin, and so I tried. I showed up and I listened and I turned in the first assignment......a romance about a young girl who finds true love with a rich, troubled man who first doesn't get along with her, but then after some difficult moments, they fall in love and live happily - and richly ever after. In other words, something completely original.
And the teacher, Professor Jergins....I call him Jerkins ..... he calls me in and says (imitates) you really have ability, but perhaps you should try to write something closer to home.....
I asked him what he meant, and he asks me how old I am, am I in touch with younger people. And I say, of course, I see them on TV all day long. He said.....(imitates) I mean, perhaps, you might write about SOMETHING YOU KNOW.....
(Very annoyed) But I want to write about looooove! And romance! And happiness!
How dare he ask me to write about...... something I know! Why the hell would I want to do that? What in God's green earth would make me want to write about washing dishes? And laundry? And cleaning out potty chairs? I want to make dates and go to parties and dances and on trips! Who the hell wants to hear about juggling doctors appointments? And shopping for ointments.... for bed sores? And ....(sputtering)......chopping up food carefully so people won't choke? Just because I have to do it doesn't mean I have to write about it!
(She turns and points to Franklin)
But one thing I do know......it's your fault!
(She goes to sit in her chair, first taking three donuts with her. Franklin looks at her)
FRANKLIN - Well, maybe instead of writing about what you know, you could write about.....what you like......
(Lights down on Sally)
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Janet S. Tiger
858-736-6315
JanetSTigerMonologueMania.blogspot.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
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