Thursday, October 25, 2018

Monologue Mania Day # 1713 Scary Parts (for actors near -or not near!- Halloween) by Janet S. Tiger (c) Oct. 25, 2018

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Monologue Mania Day #  1713 Scary Parts (for actors near -or not near!- Halloween) by Janet S. Tiger (c) Oct. 25,  2018

             (Part of  the countdown for Halloween - only this is..... the real scary stuff)

                                     Scary Parts
                                              (for actors near - or not near! - Halloween)
                                                    by Janet S. Tiger  (c) 2018

Part One  

              (The actor enters, very spiffy, with a comb - and mirror if necessary.  Very up, very excited)

A callback!  I got a callback!  My first callback!  I've been going on auditions for ages...well, maybe three months, and this is my very first callback!

               (Looks in the mirror, tilts head)

Which side should this part go on?  This way on the right......

               (Moves hair)

Or this way on the left?

               (Moves hair again)

I can't tell!

               (Looks at watch/phone)

And it's too late to call anyone, I have to be there in ....oh, my zero minutes!

               (Goes to put down mirror, stops, looks again)

But which way will ensure that I get the part?

My first callback!  And maybe first part!

              (Stops, thinks, realizes)

My first part!  That's it, which way did my first part go?

              (Runs around, looking)

Where is an old baby picture when you need it....I must know which side my mother put the part on, because I am sure this will make sure I get this part!  It makes's logical!

            (Finds an album, opens it quickly.....looks, is horrified)

No part!  No part at all!  Just.......bangs!

            (Picks up mirror, stares)

I can't do bangs now!  It's too late!  And I always have a part now!  I can't jinx my entire career over a mistake my mother made years ago!

            (Falls to knees, pulling hair)

(Very upset)  Will Shakespeare, will you please help me?  What should I do?


What?  That's a great idea!

          (Looks in the mirror, takes the comb, and puts the part.....)

Straight down the middle!  I love it!  Compromise and originality!  I can't lose!  They have to give me this part now.....

           (Turns to leave, stops, looks back)

I'm sorry, I can't resist, the writer of this monologue just has me walk offstage now, but I have to say this first.....(gives it with a great flourish) .....'Good night, good night, parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be the morrow!'

          (Exits.  The beginning of an actor's career.) 

                                                    Part Two

         (If the same actor has done Part One, they can return to the stage for Part Two, only this time, remarkably less perky, more cynical.  They are wearing a much less fancy outfit, but still professional - and still with a comb and mirror.  Only now they look in the mirror with a more polished look.)

Mirror, mirror, whaddaya think?

Boy, you are quiet today!  Maybe I should stop taking my meds so you can talk back to me again.....

 Okay, enough schizo, I'll save my passion for the director.....


Okay, reality time.  Not bad, but still needs something more.  This is the third callback,  wow, tonight is Halloween and in my whole life, I think this is the most scared I have ever been!  (Laughs)   

         (Working on hair, accessories)

Whew,  I can't take a chance on losing this one, it actually pays.  And I might get to work with that actress who was on that TV show five years ago, what was her name again?  She's a real live almost-made-it, and that's a first for me, I'm usually with a lot of other 'will-be-famous-one-day's.....

         (Looks, then throws the mirror down)

(Getting upset)  Who am I kidding?  This is only the second part I've ever had with a real credit!  Three years, and only two parts!  Now, that's scary!  Okay, maybe more than two parts, but only two credits!  Who am I kidding, I'll never make it!  I have no talent!  I hate my face, my clothes, my hair!  Oh, damn it, where is Bruce Springsteen when you need him!

I'll never make it!  I'll have to return to Small Turkey Town, USA and teach third grade for twenty-five years and have a family with two point two children and be a nothing because I couldn't make out here in the real world of Hollywood!

         (Looks back in the mirror)

Did I just say that...out loud?  Worse, did I just think that?  Oh, my God, it's happened, I've joined the ranks of the searching actor.....the journey for fame that only one tenth of one millionth of one billionth of a per cent will make.... it's an accurate, mathematical number!  It has to be true.....I saw it on TV!

       (Goes to find the mirror)

Numbers....numbers of  years old......numbers of jobs as a waiter....or is that really just one job with a million different bosses......numbers of wrinkles......numbers of times you tell yourself you'll just go on ONE LAST AUDITION!  Number of lies......Okay, I quit.....I will go home......because LA is never really home, is it?

I give up......where's my bag, I'll pack it in now..... I don't need a third callback, a third strike, I can read the writing on the bathroom walls......

       (Hears a phone ring)

Hello?  Cancelled?  Really?  (Laughs)  No third callback?  Why am I not surprised?  They don't need to humiliate me anymore, right?  They've been kind and decided to save everyone a lot of time!

      (Listens, sits suddenly)

 What?  They cancelled because......(Amazed)....I got the part!  AAHHHHHHHHh!

      (Starts dancing around the room)

  My second real part!  Yeah! It's more than a second part, it's....a second chance!

      (Turns to leave, stops, looks back)

I knew it all the time!   I felt it in my bones!  It's even better than......a big bag of candy on Halloween!

      (Dances offstage, smiling, a happy end for a second chance) 


Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty 
Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315      
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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