Monday, March 12, 2018

Monologue Mania Day # 1489 Return of the Naive by Janet S. Tiger (c) March 13, 2018

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Monologue Mania Day # 1489  Return of the Naive by Janet S. Tiger (c) March 13, 2018           
                                 Return of the Naive
                                        by Janet S. Tiger
                                    © 2015 all rights reserved

         (The 60ish woman enters carrying a bag, which she sets on the floor.  She proceeds to take her purse and rummage through it)

I have the receipt somewhere in here.....none of these items works as needed!  Oh where is it?

          (She digs further)

I used to keep the receipt in the bag with the item to be returned, but that never works out....bags rip, receipts fly away like Mary Poppins, but not the fun kind.  The flying away where they never come back and you are stuck with the items that are not wanted, like this old fashioned timer that my 94-year-old auntie needs, because she has to take pills at a certain time, and she has to remember to turn off his eggs, but there is a problem.... this timer is very quiet.....

           (She makes it buzz)

Do you really think an older be specific, an older, hard-of hearing person....could hear this while they are in the same room, let alone another room, or in the bathroom with water running and flushing and God knows what other noises?

          (Takes a deep breath)

And here is another beeper, an electronic one that needs batteries, and requires a special screwdriver to open the back panel to install the batteries, and once the batteries are installed, the panel must be reattached, a job which takes at least half an hour because the fancy screwdriver has disappeared in the wrapping of the gadget......

        (She waves it around)

And then you find out there is a tiny plastic tab that must be removed before the backup battery works - or anything works for that matter - and you have to redo the entire process!

After which, the beeper sounds like this.....(quiet)  beep, beep, beep....which is inaudible even at a distance of two feet!

        (She now looks plaintive)

Can't you please just give me the money back?  I swear I bought these items in this store!   (Quiet)  I'm almost positive!

And what if you gave me a store credit?

        (She drops to her knees)

PLEASE!  I'm begging you!  Give me something, and I swear I'll never come back!  I'll tell my auntie ....and they will not allow me to shop here anymore!  And she will tell all her friends, and they will stop coming here and.....your store....your store will make more money because all they do is buy things and return them!

        (Starts to sob)

Yes!  I might be overreacting a little bit!  (listens)  I'll try to collect myself.....

        (She stands, starts to walk out, looks back)

 No, you may keep the items.......give them to some poor soul who needs timers that do not work.....Gotta go now......I'll tell my auntie.....that I ran out of time......

        (Laugh maniacally as she exits.  The end....of this return)


First posted  Day # 421  April 9, 2015       But still  true!

Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty 

Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315      
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983


Swedenborg Hall 2006-8