Monologue Mania Day #499 (for Two Sisters) by Janet S. Tiger June 26, 2015
This is not a monologue! by Janet S. Tiger
© all rights reserved 2015 tigerteam1@gmail.com
(But if you want a monologue - see below for Daddy's Side)
(Scene - Daddy's apartment. Outside porch area - simple setting to suggest this
- patio chair, flowers. Lynn is outside, eating a candy bar and crying.
Pam sees her and comes over, putting her arm around her)
PAM - Are you alright?
LYNN - (Wailing quietly)
Perfect! Just peachy! Doing great!
PAM - So, is it the Snickers
bar that is causing you such grief?
LYNN - That's it, you guessed
it....you should've been a detective....
PAM - That's me, I can sniff
out the truth anywhere ....well, at least I can sniff out fruit......
(She strokes her sister's hair as her sister sobs)
PAM - So, everything getting
to be a little much?
LYNN - Don't try to make me
feel better!
PAM - No problem - I'd say
you're overdue for a good cry......
LYNN - Ya think?
PAM - But have you thought of
scheduling this so it doesn't interfere with your other chores?
LYNN - (Laughing and crying)
And don't try to make me laugh!
PAM - Why not? It's a
good idea that's totally time efficient......Let's check your calendar....
(She pretends to open a calendar and reads)
PAM - Here's a good time -
Saturday afternoon between 2 and 3pm is open....perfect for a good cry because
your face can be all dried up and unpuffied by dinner.
LYNN - Great, but what do I
do now?
PAM - You just have to have a
little....(smiling and hissing) discipline! No more of this
self-indulgence - crying whenever you want!
LYNN - I told you - don't
make me laugh, I have to go pee now!
PAM - And that would be a
completely efficient use of time - laughing, crying and going to the bathroom!
Bravo!
LYNN - I think I just
went....
(They start to laugh together, then Lynn starts to blubber again)
LYNN - I have so much to do
and I have no idea how I'm going to do it!
PAM - Well, I found a 'to do'
list of yours, and after I read it, I had to go lie down.
LYNN - You saw that?
PAM - It was sticking out of
your purse, I just wanted to make it a little neater....
LYNN - Thank you, but please
leave my list alone!
PAM - Don't worry - I have no
intention of doing anything on your list! But I do have an idea why it's
so long....
LYNN - You do?
PAM - Of course, it's obvious
that...... you're lazy.
(They both laugh)
PAM - You will just have to
cut out all these silly wastes of time - like meeting with friends for an hour
......or sitting down and watching Judge Judy.....
LYNN - I only watch Judy when
I'm folding laundry!
PAM - There you go - have your
friends come over ......and visit and while they're drinking their coffee and
eating the delicious repast you have slaved over - while talking to them, you can
fold the laundry.... Do you remember what granma used to say....'put a broom up
my rear and I can sweep the floor at the same time'
LYNN/PAM (together) - May she
rest in peace!
PAM - What would granma say
now?
LYNN - Time to leave the pity
party.....
PAM - Not at first....she was
always sweet when there was a problem....
LYNN - Not so sweet if you
didn't take her advice......
PAM - Remember that guy you were
dating?
LYNN - Which one? I can
barely remember them it's been so long!
PAM - You remember....the
basketball player who was very nice and good-looking, but not very bright?
LYNN - (Remembers now)
Darren!
PAM - Granma said he was so
tall, the oxygen didn't get to his brain anymore......
LYNN - (Laughs) She was
terrible! But after that, I couldn't go out with hin!
Wait a
minute! I told you not to make me laugh!
PAM - Too late, damage
done......
LYNN - (Sighs heavily, wipes
eyes) I guess, it's just I hate these decisions.....
PAM - I know it's
tough.....and Dad having to move....
LYNN - Not just Dad....
PAM - (Starting to figure it out)
How did that doctor's appointment go?
LYNN - (Sighs)
Interesting. They want to put in a pacemaker.into my 60 year old
husband....
PAM - No decision there, that's an
easy operation.....
LYNN - But they are offering Andy a
chance to have the new experimental pacemaker, the one that doesn't require the
wires and goes in through his leg, and has less possible complications....
PAM - And that's a problem
because?
LYNN - Because it's new, and
not tested on millions of people yet, just thousands.....
PAM - But what about all the
monkeys they try these on? And the guinea pigs? Don't they count?
LYNN - Well, good for you,
that made me feel all better....
PAM - Happy to help! Just
call me..'Little Miss Sunshine!'
LYNN - I guess it because...it's
all at the same time. And ....I can't tell Dad, because he gets all upset
if someone is sick......but I may have to tell him, which is another difficult
decision.....
PAM - Decisions are a lot like bad
weather, all at once......
LYNN - It's like my brain is made
of spaghetti!
PAM - As long as it's not
cantaloupe!
LYNN - You and
cantaloupe......
(They
giggle)
LYNN - And now Dad having to
move....it's like the straw that broke this camel's back.....
PAM - Well, Miss Camelback, I did a
little research, there is a wonderful place not far from here......it's called
(reverently).....Whispering Pines.....
LYNN - (Thinks) I know
that place, and it's not that close.
PAM - Well we have cars.
LYNN - You know Daddy isn't
driving anymore
PAM - That's the beauty of
it! WP is self- contained! Daddy could have all his meals there,
and walk around and make new friends!
LYNN - But he loves the
coffee shop, that's his favorite thing to do socially....
PAM - Socially? Half
the people there are nuts - certifiable, may I add - you can't object to him
going into a nice place, can you?
LYNN - It's not my decision,
it's his!
PAM - Of course it is, so
long as he makes the right decision!
LYNN - He won't even look at
anything! And I found a list he made, a 'to do' list, and the last item
on it was......(shudders) Die.
PAM - You do realize he did
that to annoy you.
LYNN - I'm not so sure....
PAM - Leave it to me.... I
have an idea how to get him to visit.....
LYNN - Do tell....
PAM - You know that lady at
the coffee shop he has a big crush on? Sophia? The one he
thinks looks like Sophia Loren?
LYNN - If you squint....and
close your eyes.....
PAM - It's his crush, not
mine....just listen! It turns out that Sophia has some friends at ....the
Pines, and we can get a free lunch if we tour the place.....
LYNN - Free lunch, now
there's an incentive....they used to offer TV sets to tour timeshare, but a
free lunch at an old age home....
PAM - It's not an old age
home! A lot of people our age live there - if we had the money, I would
live there.....I'd never have to make another meal.....what a paradise!
LYNN - For you, maybe, and much as
the free lunch is a magical opportunity, I just don't know if I have the
time...there's so many doctors appointments.....
PAM - That's the beauty,
while you're taking care of Andy, I can take Daddy to look....with
Sophia!
LYNN - Well, I guess it's a
start......and what could possibly go wrong?
(There is a fast blackout on them and then lights up as we hear Daddy yelling
at the top of his lungs)
DADDY - Nevah! Did you hear
me? Nevah, nevah....NEVAH!
(Lynn is trying to talk with him but he is in a rage)
DADDY - I am writing your sister
out of the will! And I will never talk with her again! And if you
think anything can change my mind, well, you are WRONG!
LYNN - Pamela was only trying to
help, Daddy! You know you have to move and you only have a few weeks to find a
place!
DADDY - It's not an
apartment! She told me I would have an apartment! It was one room,
and I would have to walk to get my breakfast! In my pajamas, because at
88, no one is going to force me to get dressed before breakfast!
(He is running around, looking for something)
DADDY - Your sister must have
hidden my will, because she knew I'd disown her! And the most horrible
part is.....did I tell you, Lynn?
LYNN - Probably...
DADDY - The most horrible
part was.....that they used my sweetie Sophia as.....as bait!
When I was a young man, I had a
friend who worked in the yards, where they kill the cattle, and they would have
one pretty cow lead the others in to their slaughter! And they would
follow, because she was a pretty cow!
That's what your sister did!
And.......the worst part is....
LYNN - Is this different from
the most horrible part?
DADDY - The worst part
is....everyone there was....(sputtering) OLD! As in...ANCIENT!
LYNN - How old could they be?
DADDY - Old enough to be repeating
the same stories every two minutes. I mean, I know I tell the same
stories over and over, but at least I try to wait an hour or two.....this
was.....IMPOSSIBLE!
LYNN - (Attempting
rationality) Look, Daddy, I know you're upset, but Pam only meant
well....
DADDY - Really? I mean
well, too! Here it is, I knew I could find it....
(He is triumphant, holding up an envelope)
DADDY - I'm calling up your
cousin the attorney, and he is going to change this....now!
LYNN - (Starting to get
worried) Daddy, please!
(She tries to get the envelope, but he pulls it away)
DADDY - Get away from
me! If you side with her, I don't have to talk with you, either!
LYNN - But.....
(He holds up his hand and she stops)
DADDY - I'm warning
you! This is serious!
(He marches offstage brandishing the will, stops, and looks back)
DADDY - The Whispering Pines
actually whispered to me, and do you know what they said? They
whispered....(shouts) DON'T COME HERE!
(He exits and Lynn runs after him. Curtain)
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For those wanting a real monologue, the final section with Daddy can be modified like this -
Daddy's Side
(Daddy runs onstage, furious, looking for something)
Nevah! Did you hear
me? Nevah, nevah....NEVAH!
I am writing your sister
out of the will! And I will never talk with her again! And if you
think anything can change my mind, well, you are WRONG!
