Thursday, August 25, 2016

Monologue Mania Day #925 The Ignorance of Bliss (for the Senior Channel) by Janet S. Tiger (c) Aug. 25, 2016

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Monologue Mania Day #925 The Ignorance of Bliss (for the Senior Channel) by Janet S. Tiger (c) Aug. 25,  2016 

                                     The Ignorance of Bliss  
                                          (for The Senior Channel)
                                          A monologue by Janet S. Tiger 
                                          © 2016 all rights reserved

          (Older woman enters, on a walker, but waving)

Hello, hello, thank you, thank you!

It's nice to have so many folks wishing me a Happy Birthday!  But please DO NOT have a birthday cake with more than one candle!  I cannot blow out a hundred three of them!

Now, because it's my birthday and I'm not just over the hill, but over the 100th hill! they wanted me to tell everyone how I got to be so old.....well, I think that's one of the stupidest questions I hear......and I hear it every year, so I outta know!

How the hell would I know?  I mean, if I tell you it was good luck, what does that mean, anyhow?  And I tell you it was God's good grace, does that mean a person who dies at 20 does not have God's good grace?  See, there's the conundrum......ooh, I still love that word!

So, here's my advice, for whatever it's worth, as my father used to say, with your advice and a nickel you can get a cup of coffee.  Only now, the coffee is $5.00!  Does that mean the advice is worth more?  You be the judge!

My suggestion is simple.  If you think there's any chance of living to be 100, .....when you're sixty....start makin' young friends. probably thought I was gonna say to take care of yourself.  Who the hell knows how to do that?  I have had a drink before bed every night since I was thirty, did it hurt me?  No.  What kept me alive was turning just in time to see that big cement truck about to run me over and I jumped outta the way.......but the day to day, you gotta have young friends, because the ones you made when you were in school, well, they're all gone....or will be soon.  Just like family goes......

        (She wipes an eye)
Now to make friends, you either gotta help someone young....or buy them.  You see, when I was sixty, I didn't have a lotta money, but I was a grandma, and so I started makin' friends of my grandchildren.....and their friends.  A good policy.

Now I make friends  with THEIR grandchildren......same

        (She pulls out a phone and waves it)

The young ones will figure out the new geegaws like this......I can talk to it and it will call people and make notes, and remind me to drink water every hour....all I have to say is...Hello Google.....oh no, now it's gonna talk to me)

         (She pushes a button and puts the phone away)

And make sure your friends all have a good sense of humor!  If you ever go to a playground or a pool, you see kids laughing.  Why do they laugh so much?  Ignorance!  They have no idea what's coming up for them!  The troubles, the pain......they just know how to have a good time......The more you know, the less you laugh, because, that my friends in TV the bliss of, if you hang around kids, you will laugh more.....and in time, that might be the only exercise you get!  


Okay, that's it for my big advice.  Do I get my cake now?  I want my cake!

         (she turns to leave, stops, looks back)

Oh, last piece of advice to live this long.......KEEP BREATHING!

         (She laughs as she leaves, for more cake and laughs)
Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315      
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty info. 

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