Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Monologue Mania Day #769 Wake Up and Smell the Peanut Butter (for Caregivers Anonymous) by Janet S. Tiger (c) Mar. 22, 2016

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Monologue Mania Day #769 Wake Up and Smell the Peanut Butter (for Caregivers Anonymous) by Janet S. Tiger (c) Mar. 22,  2016 

  Below is SOMEWHAT based on a SEMI-true story......with a warning, don't try this at home......

           For other monologues from CAREGIVERS ANONYMOUS, please see Days #

                  Wake Up and Smell the Peanut Butter 
                                                        (for Caregivers Anonymous)
                                                   A monologue by Janet S. Tiger 
                                  © 2016 all rights reserved 
       (Woman enters with jar of peanut butter, puts it on the wheelchair)

I'm worried that I have.....okay, this is hard to say....I'm truly worried that I have...Alzheimers.

I have now taken care of several people with Alzheimers - my mother for ten years at home,......and now my Aunt,  my father's older sister, is on that long road.

So you can see how I might be nervous......even though I have taken tests with my father, and he passes them with flying colors.   He does remember most of the words....maybe not all, but most of them, especially if they have some relationship to things mechanical.

But, me, I can't remember even one of the five words at the end of the test!  It's not that I don't try, I do!  When I hear the words, I use all those methods of remembering - try to get a picture in my head of the word....for example, window.

So I think of a window and I see it......

      (She closes her eyes and reaches out her hands)

And suddenly, all I can think about is, 'Did I leave that window open in the bathroom? Will Aunt Edna try to escape again?'

By this time, I have missed the next two words, but now we get ......stove........that opens up the whole 'is it turned off' worry!

What was that last word again?  Appointment!  I can remember that one!  I have appointments every day of the week - sometimes two!

But oh, the horror!  Which one is next?  What's tomorrow?  Which one have I forgotten to put onto the calendar......onto the phone, onto the list to get a ride because both people I watch have an appointment at the SAME TIME!  ...because if I didn't take the appointments, they were going to have to wait for three months!

        (She shakes her head and arms)

So I am fixated.......and the end of the memory test rolls around, and do I remember even one of the words?  Was it .....oven?  or door?  or.....doctor?  What were those damned words!

        (She takes a deep breath)

When I get home, late that night, when I have one minute to myself.....I get sent a test online....from AARP or some other horrible group.....and the test is for....you guessed it....a fast way to know if you have ALZHEIMERS!

What is this test?  It's not like the others I have taken, which are confusing and long and I never get to the end because I am diverted by a scary article that says Betty White is gone!

No, this one is simple!  It seems - I say seems because no matter what is proven one day, the next it is usually un-proven - it seems as if PEANUT BUTTER is a factor|!  If you can't smell peanut butter from your left nostril at six inches, you've got it!

So now I have to know, and I run to my closet where the peanut butter is supposed to be......but the latch on the door is unlocked, and all that is left are the jars that are UNOPENED!  What to do!  I don't want to have two open jars, but can I smell it through the plastic?

       (She falls to her knees and pretends to sniff, then wails)


I can't smell the peanut butter with my left nostril!

I've got it!  And it's DEFINITELY TRUE!  Because AARP or Seniors on the Internet or whoever sent this is NEVER WRONG!

         (She gets up slowly, sighs deeply)

Well, at least I know, for sure, now that I've got it.  The office tests....inconclusive because I wasn't actually taking them myself.....irrelevant now.

I look around.  When won't I remember this?  I guess, I won't ever know.

I go to sleep and in the morning, I awaken, saddened but realizing it's better to know the truth.

I go into the den, and touch the things there.  Maybe inside I will remember all this.

Then I smell something......often my Aunt will leave food somewhere....rotting if it's still alive like fruit.....which is why my sister never visits anymore....but this is not the sweetness of tangerines or apples......it's....what is it?

         (She lights up and reaches over for something, lifts it up)

It's a jar of peanut butter!  and it's open!  And I could smell it!

         (She holds it from herself at arm's length and closes her right nostril)

I can smell it!  I'm OK!  I don't have it!  I don't have.....(whispers) Alzheimers.

         (She turns to leave, stops, looks back)

At least not today!

          (She exits, sniffing the peanut butter - which is never wrong!)

This is based on reality - here's the article-
Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty info.  

1 comment:

Jennifer Silva Redmond said...

Sounds crazy enough to be true