Saturday, March 5, 2016

Monologue Mania Day #752 What's Good for You (revised for The Senior Channel) by Janet S. Tiger (c) Mar. 5, 2016

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Monologue Mania Day #752 What's Good for You (revised for The Senior Channel) by Janet S. Tiger (c) Mar. 5,  2016 

      This monologue was first posted on Aug.27, 2014, Day  # 196 
 For those tuning in for the first time, the Senior Channel is envisioned as an Internet TV show produced for and by seniors about issues relating to aging.  For other monologues from the Senior Channel, please see Days #  9, 20, 22, 36, 46, 49, 50, 54, 57, 60, 61, 65, 67, 68, 79, 86, 88, 180, 195-6, 312, 328, 379, 398, 401, 403, 414, 416, 503, 505, 553, 575, 586, 684

                             What's Good for You (alternate ending)
                                         (for THE SENIOR CHANNEL)                                          
                                     A  monologue by Janet S. Tiger   © all rights reserved                                                                                               

            (An older man comes onstage, carrying a stack of books and magazines, hard to carry, but he's doing it.  He is very irritated)

Hello everyone!  Like a bad dream and last night's cabbage..... I'm back!

And I have more truth for you all!  Here it is!

          (He opens a book)

Right there, in black and white!  If you eat too many eggs, you will die.  Okay, the book has more pages and a detailed explanation of cholesterol and how it clogs your arteries, and how eggs are bad for you, but the bottom line is - if you eat too many eggs, you will die!

And look at this....

          (He opens a magazine)

Meat!  I have eaten meat since I grew up on a farm in Ohio - and now I find out that meat will kill me, too!

First chickens and their damned eggs, now..... cows!

And let's not forget.....

        (He pulls out the books rapidly now)

Tuna has mercury!  Asbestos may stop your house from burning, but you get cancer from it!  Sugar is bad, sugar is very bad, salt is bad, and smoking is the devil's own hell!  If you stand too long, the blood pools in your feet - no good!  But if you sit too that's even worse than smoking!

       (He grabs two books shakes them at the audience)

One doctor says lay the baby on its back so it won't suffocate when it's asleep - this one says put the baby on its stomach!  I say put the baby on its head!  There, problem solved!  Or, better yet, let sleeping babies alone!   

        (He throws the books in the air)

It's all awful!  Everything we eat, and everything we do and everything we learned and even everything we think is all wrong and bad and the only conclusion I can reach that is even slightly logical is is bad for you!  Life will be the death of us all!  So..... give up before you start!  Die now and avoid the rush later!

       (He stops, breathing deeply, reaches into his pocket and takes out a cell phone)

Now this horrid thing, this will be the death of me yet!

       (He answers it very annoyed)

Why did you call me now?  I told you I was busy!  I am in the middle of......

       (He perks up, listens)

What did you say?  Oh, my God, I can't believe it!  Are you sure?  Wasn't that a little early?  Two weeks late?  Oh....I'll be right there!

       (He punches the phone, then kisses it.)

You beautiful thing!  You'll have to excuse me, folks, but I just became a great grandfather!

       (He starts to walk off, leaving the books, turns back)

Life may be the death of me yet - but a new baby.... that is the reason why we keep on living!

       (He skips off now.  The end of this, but the beginning of some new life!)

Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty info.  

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