Saturday, March 12, 2016

Monologue Mania Day #759 Algebra Solvation (for Senior Channel) by Janet S. Tiger (c) Mar. 12, 2016

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Monologue Mania Day #759 Algebra Solvation (for Senior Channel) by Janet S. Tiger (c) Mar. 12,  2016 

                            Algebra Solvation
                                                                (for Senior Channel)    
                                                      A monologue by Janet S. Tiger 
                                  © 2016 all rights reserved 
       (An older woman  enters, carrying a bag, she is VERY determined, looking around)

Now where's that blackboard they promised me!  They said I could have a blackboard!

They probably have that newfangled board with the marking pens, oh, how I hate that smell - at least the old chalkboards had dust you could see was killing you!  This new stuff just poisons you slowly...

         (She listens, nods to the side)

Oh, there it is....I need it to do.......for those who know me, please do not laugh too loudly.....I need it to do...MATH!

         (She goes to the board, puts down her bag and gets a marker)

I am here today on the Senior Channel to advocate for a change to the educational system in this, on this planet!

         (She draws a giant X on the board)

See that?  That's an X......when I was in math classes, which I hated.....I had to listen to them go on and on and on about X.....and when they decided I wasn't confused enough, since X was definitely not a number, but a letter.....they added Y....

          (She draws a giant Y next to the X)

After that, they took the whole damned alphabet....including from the Romans!.....and we were supposed to figure out how to SOLVE something.

I remember asking not one, but ALL my teachers.......borrowing the letters they used - Y 

         (She points to the Y on the board)

Get it...WHY do I have to learn all this?  What possible value will it have in my life?  Now before all the math lovers jump on me, I know how to do arithmetic.....I like money......when you add and subtract and do your bank statement, that has no Xs and 65 years, have not seen one X or Y on a bank statement!

But after I asked the math teachers the question Y.....amazingly enough, they had the same answer......I guess they learned it in teaching school.....the answer...I needed to learn algebra......BECAUSE even if I never needed algebra in my whole would teach me how to to SOLVE PROBLEMS!

Well, I've got a mathematical problem for all of you watching....let's see if anyone can solve it....

Let's say I have a sealed refrigerated food plastic container - dimensions are....

          (She removes the item from her bag....measures it with a ruler)

Exactly....11 and one half inches by  8 inches....exactly.....

           (She draws a diagram of the size on the board)

And --to get into the food you desire....which is delicious and inside the plastic.......if you have to remove the upper specially designed strip of the plastic bag which is exactly one half inch by 11 and 1/2 inches......

          (She marks this on the diagram and pulls the strip off and puts it neatly into the bag she brought)


         (She tries to open the package, to pull the plastic sides's impossible.  She goes into a frenzy trying to do this)

What did they teach me in algebra that could possibly get me to figure this out!  What X and Y and ....what the hell did THEY think they were teaching in those stupid classes!)

          (She finally takes out a scissors and cuts the top off the bag)

My mother taught me that....

         (She turns to leave, stops, looks back)

And for part B...the practical part.....after you cut your hand on the sharp plastic, how much money do you get when you sue the company?  To the nearest dollar!

           (She smiles and exits to a world with no algebra)

Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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