Thursday, September 24, 2015

Monologue Mania Day #590 Don't Make in Your Pants (For the Book of Teas) by Janet S. Tiger Sept. 24, 2015

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                                                                    first year -  Feb. 13, 2014 - Feb. 13, 2015
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Monologue Mania Day #590 Don't Make in Your Pants (For the Book of Teas) by Janet S. Tiger  Sept. 24, 2015

  This is the same character from Days # 15, 41-53, 69, 84, 96, 105, 118, 156, 173, 175-8, 181-5, 269, 331, 361, 452, 506,542, 554, 555, 558 and today's 590.  Southern accent.

                              Don't Make in Your Pants
                                    (for the Book of Teas)
                                     A monologue by Janet S. Tiger   
                                           © all rights reserved                                                         
        (Lights up on T, looking at a package of Depends.  She still has that Southern accent)

Whenever I see these I think-  don't make in your pants.

Great advice given by my Uncle Matthew when I was a little girl.
He was actually my Great uncle, and he was so old that he looked like he was going to snap apart if you touched him.  My brother dared me to touch his leg, and I, of course, always desperate to prove I was not a 'fraidy cat' came around from behind Uncle Matthew and reached out to touch his bony leg -he was in shorts no matter how cold the weather.  I was almost there, when ....

         (She remembers it, reaches out her arm)

.....he......he grabbed my hand - almost scaring the bejezus out of me.    What you are doing girl?  Are you trying to drive me crazy?
No sir, I just wanted to see if you would break - and I told him about the bet with my brother and he started to laugh so hard, I thought he was going to break!
Tears came down his face and I started to laugh also.  We laughed so hard, and after that we were friends.  I think laughter is a great bond between people.  It is like the opposite of war, which is a great bonder too, but laughter is so much more fun. When war bonds people, usually you cry. When you look back and remember the laughing, you laugh again.  . 
Anyhow, they used to bring Uncle Matthew to family events - we were all cousins of various degree that only the older ones knew how the relationships connected. ..... But then he started he put it so delicately......make in his pants, so they didn't bring him anymore, so we would visit him at the old folks home where he was living.
Although he was in a wheelchair, he never lost his mind, although he claimed he wished he did.  He would say- T, some things are better left unseen, that's why God takes away most people's minds at the end.

 Look at them - he would indicate the other residents, many who sat drooling, unable to talk anymore, unable to think.  I wish I could be them, I wish I had the strength to take my own life.  Oh, Uncle Matthew, please don't say that, and he would laugh and say - but where would I take it?  I imagine I'm going to hell, T, so could it be worse than this?  That's what they tell you, but I don't know, I just don't know.  And then he would tell me some more jokes and it would time to leave.  My father believed very strongly in visiting family - we spent every Sunday afternoon - following church and dinner, going to visit all the relatives around the county.
When I was little I hated most of the visits - what child likes spendin time with old people who tell the same stories ovah and ovah?- but now, I wish more people were like my Daddy, so I could see the younger generation visit me - and I could bore them with my borin stories!  And  I would like to see what I was like then - what I would have been like now if I was born 70 years later.

        (She turns to leave, stops, looks back)

Before I started .......

         (Holds up the package of Depends)

....losin it!

          (She laughs and exits.  Blackout)


Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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