Sunday, December 21, 2014

Monologue Mania Day #312 by Janet S. Tiger Nobody Reads the Warning Label! Dec. 21, 2014

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Monologue Mania Day #312 by Janet S. Tiger Nobody Reads the Warning Label!    Dec. 21, 2014 

        Note - this was originally started in the middle of the night on (c) March 14, 2010 with a terrible sinus cold - unable to sleep, until I read the warning label....
                   Nobody Reads the Warning Label!
                                                 (for the Senior Channel)
                                       ©Janet S. Tiger all rights reserved

           (A woman comes out onstage.  She's in a bathrobe, looks tired, as if she has a bad cold)

I have a code.   You can probably hear id im my voice.  So I have to take these medicines.  

           (Pulls a pill bottle out of her pocket) 

I am sharing this with the Senior Channel, because even though all those stupid commercials read all the warnings, in real life, nobody reads the warning label.

          (As if listening to someone in the audience)

 Because it's damn scary - that's why!

          (Takes out a magnifying glass - opens the label up - it is about three feet long.)

So, while your eyes are dripping and your nose is running, you have to read this.  Hah!

The first thing it says is “Read carefully”

“If this print is too small to read, “   ….then how would I see this?….”you can go online to see and print these instructions.”  Very helpful to those sick in bed…..and as for (says it with disgust) 'going online!' .....I can barely turn on my computer when I am well!

(Reads)  “Common side effects – Constipation, dizziness, fatigue, headache, lightheadedness, nausea.”

Great- very similar to what I have now!

(Reads)  “If you miss a dose of this medicine, take it as soon as possible.  If it is almost time for your next dose, skip the missed dose”….I thought I missed it already!….”and go back to your regular dosing schedule.  Do not take 2 doses at once, unless your doctor has instructed you to do so.”  Very clear!

“If you combine this with the 17 other drugs you are using, you may have adverse reactions when the drugs interact.  Really?   What might happen, pray tell?  (Reading)  Severe liver damage, possible dizziness, spots may be seen dancing in your eyes, profuse sweating and possible diarrhea.”  So the side effect of the nausea might cancel out the diarrhea? 

(Fast) Do not take this medicine with meals, unless of course you have stomach upset, in which case you should eat something with this, but not grapefruit, and definitely not milk, which might cause your birth control medication to be ineffective and result in unwanted pregnancy.

(Takes a deep breath)  And this is my favorite - if you break out in a rash, develop hives or a large boil grows on your forehead and it is filled with poisonous spiders, please discontinue use of this product.

But remember - take all of the medicine right down to the last drop.

(Shakes head)  Is it any wonder most of the country is out sick today?

          (Turns to leave, stops, looks back)   

Almost forget the last…and most important - the final caveat -

(Reading)  "If you die, please call your doctor immediately"

            (The end - of the label, not the cold!)


Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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