Friday, December 5, 2014

Monologue Mania Day #296 by Janet S. Tiger Return of the Ding Dongs Dec. 5, 2014

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Monologue Mania Day #296 by Janet S. Tiger  Dec. 5, 2014 

                                                   Return of the Ding Dongs
                                 A monologue by Janet S. Tiger   © all rights reserved

             (A woman is wringing her hands, very upset.  She has a bag on the table, which she looks in, paces, calmly at first, but building into a frenzy as she speaks)

I told you, Dr. Higginbottom, haven't you been listening?  I mean, what do I pay you for anyway?  Ok, my insurance pays, but I pay for my insurance and if I didn't have insurance, then I wouldn't be here, I would be screaming on the top of a mountain, which, for all you seem to listen, might be exactly the same as telling you!

             (Llistens, takes a deep breath, coughs)

Ok, are you happy?  I took the damned deep breath!  I don't know why everyone loves this deep breath thing, I findit just makes me cough....where was I?  The biggest problem?  To focus on the biggest problem?

How am I supposed to choose?  Between sick family and plumbing and crazy cousins and all assorted variety of issues big and small?  I think I already told you the biggest issue truly is....DING DONGS!

Weren't you paying attention?  I first told you about this when they discontinued my DING DONGS!  If I remember correctly, it is the reason I first came to you, because they...DISCONTINUED THE DING DONGS!

From when I was a little girl, I could handle any problem, any trouble, any issue, by sitting and eating a delicious ding dong with a nice glass of milk, just like my mother would give me when I got home from school, and I had fallen in the mud and DESTROYED my new dress and everyone laughed at me, once I ate that ding dong, all was well with the world!  Or when my first boyfriend broke up with me on the night of the  (sputters)  the night of the damned prom!  He couldn't wait until the next day?  Nooooo!  But I ate that ding dong, washed down with that glass of coooollllld milk and I didn't give a damn!  I went to the prom alone, and I met Toby, whose date got sick with bird flu, and I ended up marrying him, so I equate all good things with DING DONGS!

And then, just when I needed them most, when my kids went off to college, and my car got smashed in an accident, they announce they are DISCONTINUING THE DING DONGS!  And I go to buy them, to horde them, but it's too late, other crazies like me have wiped the shelves clean!  I have to pay for them like it was heroin!  And even though I am careful, they all are gone......

          (She turns to the bag on the table)

And then.....a  miracle happens.  Like the second coming.....of the Ding Dongs!  They are they are Dr. Higgenbottom!

          (She opens the bag to show a box that has been opened and she waves the box in the air.)

What is wrong?  What in the hell is wrong?  They CHANGED THE FORMULA!


It is like holding out water to a thirsty man in the desert!  How could they do this to me!

           (She holds up a Ding Dong and spits at it)

You are dead to me!

           (She drops it)

I have put up with awful changes, like when they stopped making the underwear I liked, and the pen that was so nice and smooth -  all gone!  But this, this is at the root of my very existence!

            (She breathes heavily, listens, calms down immediately)

Oh, okay, see you next week.

            (She takes the bag and turns to leave, stops, looks back)

You may keep these.....

             (She drops the bag as if it was garbage and struts out.  The end of the original Ding Dong)


Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315 
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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