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Monologue Mania Day # 1512 Not Enough Phones by Janet S. Tiger (c) April 7, 2018
This was inspired by the joy of phones - of which I have a new one..... again!
Not Enough Phones
by Janet S. Tiger
© 2014 all rights reserved
tigerteam1@gmail.com
(Man runs out, listening for something, very upset)
Don't you hear it? Please tell me where that phone is! I can hear it ringing somewhere in this apartment!
(Looks everywhere)
I realize it might seem as if I have a few too many phones.....
All right, I can see your point....I am one man, with a two bedroom apartment and I have four phones in my kitchen - two regular and two traveling.....or as they are called on the box....cordless!
Then one in my bathroom – traveling….cordless…..for next to the throne….. essential! I feel like a king!
Another three in my office bedroom - one for the stock market, a back-up for the stock market...ooh, that is a pretty phone! I love that phone, it's new, only 27.99 from Rite-Aid....and it has a yellow light that flashes when the phone rings, so beautiful!
And a traveling phone related to the one in the kitchen. Then, a solid one in my real bedroom, along with a traveling, I mean cordless from one of the other places......does that count as one or two if I move it into another room…..
(Thinking) But how do I count the cell phone? That’s not a regular line….but it is a phone….what’s the problem? Sleeping with the phones! They all ring!
And now, I am trying to go to sleep, and to go to sleep I need to turn them all off, so they won't ring and wake me up when a marketer from the firm of 'want to buy something worthless at 7 am' calls!
Or the company of 'we have a free medical device for you' decides that I cannot live without their easily insertable product!
And if even one stays on, I am doomed!
Doomed you hear! So where is it?
(Looks at the ceiling)
The problem with these newfangled phones is that their sound is made out of LCD or something strange and it rings in one room but is actually far away! The object- drive you crazy!
(Sits with head in hands)
I love phones! You want me to get rid of a few ...well, I won't, you hear me! I am going to be the Chuck Yeager of telephones!
That's what he did, you know, Yeager was approaching the speed of sound and the airplane started to vibrate, which indicated it could disintegrate at any time - like the other planes had when they approached the speed of sound. But he figured - what the hell! If he was gonna die, let him go out in a blaze of glory! So he speeded up, and the vibrating stopped! And he broke the sound barrier and survived! And that is what I will do! I will keep all these phones.....
And I will get some more! More phones! Until I break the …phone barrier!
(He turns to leave, starts to skip out, stops, looks back)
Wait, my birthday is coming up, and everyone always asks what to get me…..at 87, I never know what to say….if they get me a blonde, what’ll I do with her? Most food is off limits because of my medications…..but now I have the solution…..they can get me…a phone! I have a lot of family and friends who are still alive….they can all bring me …..phones!
(He exits happy, to the next dimension of phones)
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First posted - Day # 434 April 22, 2015
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* Note: A few words about 'free' - all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty
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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315 CaregiversAnon.org
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
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