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Today is Day # 1405! To look at the other 1404 titles - click here
Remote Revenge
Today is Day # 1405! To look at the other 1404 titles - click here
first year - Feb. 13, 2014 - Feb. 12, 2015 second year - Feb. 13, 2015 - Feb. 12, 2016 third year - Feb. 13, 2016 - today!
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Monologue Mania Day # 1405 Remote Revenge (for Senior Channel) by Janet S. Tiger (c) Dec.19, 2017
(for Senior Channel)
a monologue by Janet S. Tiger (c) all rights reserved 2017
tigerteam1@gmail.com
(Older man comes onstage, with a
walker, slow but steady)
How did I get in here? Your secretary is very nice, pretty girl, she
goes to lunch now. She told me when I
was here last week. Every day, 12 noon to
1 pm. And on Wednesdays, you eat your
lunch in your office, and catch up on work.
She’s very friendly, pretty, too, how do they walk in those high heels?
So here I am. Ready to meet you! And I don’t even need an appointment!
(Listens)
Oh, no, I don’t an appointment…and
no, I don’t mind if you call security, that would be great, I think publicity
is a wonderful thing! You see…
(Reaches into his pocket, removes
something and yes, it looks like….)
This is my card…..
(Holds up the object, pulls out a pin)
And yes, it looks like a grenade,
probably because it is a grenade…..from a long time ago, so who knows if it
still works?
But just in case, I’ll keep my
finger on the hole. Because you never
know! Now, for me, I’m 91, I don’t care
if I go now…..You on the other hand, you have a good life,
(Waves arm)
Your family is lovely…..and…you
probably have another 20-30 years before your pecker stops working, and that
secretary makes it worthwhile for it to work….so I’d say, it’s your choice
about security…..and whether I just get too tired to hold this heavy grenade….
(He wobbles with the grenade)
If I drop it, I wonder how many
seconds before it blows up? Hard to know
after all these years, right? I brought
it home after the war, because, hey, a souvenir is a souvenir, right?
I don't have the energy to get angry
but I do have the energy to get even
Everyone thinks old people have lots
of time another lie! Right up there with don't worry things will get better and
this will only take a few minutes.
I'm 91 I might have told you that
already I'm going to mention that a few times so that you won't forget. It's
amazing young people forget stuff all the time no big deal! An old person
forgets to put on pants all of a sudden the police are there. Nope
Do you know how long it takes me to
get dressed in the morning? I'll bet it takes you well you have nice clothing
so maybe 10-15 minutes -5 minutes for that stupid hair thing you do.
Takes me an hour to get dressed.
That includes 25 minutes for my socks! I have 5 different devices to help me
get my socks on depending on which parts of my body are not working as well.
And I purchased all of those devices on your TV shows!
We're not counting buttons that are
designed to make small children and old people crazy. Or having to remember to
put on a t-shirt because it's freezing in the doctor's office. And sometimes
the person taking you forgets to bring a jacket. But I digress
I spend the whole day just getting
ready 2 go out of the house. By the time I actually get out of the house I am
exhausted.
And it's not like I'm going
someplace very exciting like maybe a whorehouse. Do they have those anymore I
sure hope so
No I get all dressed up and there
are two choices in the day- a doctor's appointment what a thrill those are! Or I go out to see
what's left of my friends all two of them at the coffee shop. And I
And I Wear My World War II baseball
cap which is very nice but so far nobody's offered to buy me a drink like when
I got back from the war and wore my uniform.
You look a little tired listening to
my story maybe I'm getting a little tired maybe my finger over the pin of this
grenade is getting a little tired
(Smiles)
Up you perked up! I'm just getting
to the part which involves you now after I spend most of my day getting ready
for the day I do not want to waste my valuable time on God damn remote
controls! Does this look familiar?
(He takes a TV remote from his pocket and
throws it at the man)
I hope you recognize it -one of your
valued service technicians gave it to me- it's the extra large size for old
fogies like me.
Oh I'm not an old fogey? What will
you tell people if we get through this without blowing up? Old fart -is that
the term you'll use?
Well, I really don’t care what you
think of me, because all that matters is what I think of YOU! And what you are going to do to correct a BIG
mistake your company has made. With this
remote.
Look at it – and think about what
older people like me have to deal with when they touch this! Look at my fingers….
(Takes one finger off the grenade)
Whoops!
How about this finger?
(Gives the third finger)
It doesn’t matter which finger - not one of my fingers can push these tiny
buttons WITHOUT TOUCHING ANOTHER BUTTON!
What kind of idiot design is that?
And what about the delightful and
ingenious method of turning on the cable and TV – not one, not two, but THREE buttons need to be touched – and quickly! VERY QUICKLY!
And don’t dare touch the other buttons because then it might start a
nuclear war! Or make it impossible to
watch the only show I love to watch – EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND!
And there are 63 buttons on this
remote – and I need two remotes just to
work everything because I can’t press the tiny three buttons on top quickly
enough! And if I push a different set of
buttons, then all the channels DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY! And only my grandson can figure out how to
get them back!
I am 91 years old! I lived through the Depression, fought in
World War II, had two marriages, one son who died in Vietnam and I watched a house I built float away in a
flood, and I think I deserve to have a little peace and quiet and be able to
watch some TV without going insane!
So you, Mr. Fancy Pants Director of
Remote Control Invention, you are going to fix this problem, and fix it NOW or
else I am going to make sure that you will never get to push ANY button…..(very
suggestive) ANYWHERE……ever again!
(Takes a deep breath, looks around)
And that my friends is what I will
do when I get into his office. I can hardly wait. I'm doing the final planning
now when I'm awake and able and remember all the other things I have to do are
done. Which leaves me about 2 minutes a day.
Yes it's my dream! Everyone needs a
dream!
(Turns to leave stops looks back, listens)
Do I have a grenade from World War
II?
(Smiles and exits, to a remote chance of
success)
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* Note: A few words about 'free' - all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty
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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315 CaregiversAnon.org
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
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