Monday, December 18, 2017

Monologue Mania Day # 1405 Remote Revenge (for Senior Channel) by Janet S. Tiger (c) Dec.19, 2017

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Monologue Mania Day # 1405 Remote Revenge (for Senior Channel) by Janet S. Tiger (c) Dec.19, 2017    

                                    Remote Revenge 
                                                            (for Senior Channel)

                                           a monologue by Janet S. Tiger (c) all rights reserved 2017


         (Older man comes onstage, with a walker, slow but steady)

How did I get in here?  Your secretary is very nice, pretty girl, she goes to lunch now.  She told me when I was here last week.  Every day, 12 noon to 1 pm.  And on Wednesdays, you eat your lunch in your office, and catch up on work.  She’s very friendly, pretty, too, how do they walk in those high heels? 

So here I am.  Ready to meet you!  And I don’t even need an appointment!


Oh, no, I don’t an appointment…and no, I don’t mind if you call security, that would be great, I think publicity is a wonderful thing!  You see…

         (Reaches into his pocket, removes something and yes, it looks like….)

This is my card…..

         (Holds up the object, pulls out a pin)

And yes, it looks like a grenade, probably because it is a grenade…..from a long time ago, so who knows if it still works?

But just in case, I’ll keep my finger on the hole.  Because you never know!  Now, for me, I’m 91, I don’t care if I go now…..You on the other hand, you have a good life,

   (Waves arm)

Your family is lovely…..and…you probably have another 20-30 years before your pecker stops working, and that secretary makes it worthwhile for it to work….so I’d say, it’s your choice about security…..and whether I just get too tired to hold this heavy grenade….

       (He wobbles with the grenade)

If I drop it, I wonder how many seconds before it blows up?  Hard to know after all these years, right?  I brought it home after the war, because, hey, a souvenir is a souvenir, right?     

I don't have the energy to get angry but I do have the energy to get even

Everyone thinks old people have lots of time another lie! Right up there with don't worry things will get better and this will only take a few minutes.

I'm 91 I might have told you that already I'm going to mention that a few times so that you won't forget. It's amazing young people forget stuff all the time no big deal! An old person forgets to put on pants all of a sudden the police are there. Nope

Do you know how long it takes me to get dressed in the morning? I'll bet it takes you well you have nice clothing so maybe 10-15 minutes -5 minutes for that stupid hair thing you do.

Takes me an hour to get dressed. That includes 25 minutes for my socks! I have 5 different devices to help me get my socks on depending on which parts of my body are not working as well. And I purchased all of those devices on your TV shows!

We're not counting buttons that are designed to make small children and old people crazy. Or having to remember to put on a t-shirt because it's freezing in the doctor's office. And sometimes the person taking you forgets to bring a jacket. But I digress

I spend the whole day just getting ready 2 go out of the house. By the time I actually get out of the house I am exhausted.

And it's not like I'm going someplace very exciting like maybe a whorehouse. Do they have those anymore I sure hope so

No I get all dressed up and there are two choices in the day- a doctor's appointment  what a thrill those are! Or I go out to see what's left of my friends all two of them at the coffee shop. And I

And I Wear My World War II baseball cap which is very nice but so far nobody's offered to buy me a drink like when I got back from the war and wore my uniform.

You look a little tired listening to my story maybe I'm getting a little tired maybe my finger over the pin of this grenade is getting a little tired


Up you perked up! I'm just getting to the part which involves you now after I spend most of my day getting ready for the day I do not want to waste my valuable time on God damn remote controls! Does this look familiar?

       (He takes a TV remote from his pocket and throws it at the man)

I hope you recognize it -one of your valued service technicians gave it to me- it's the extra large size for old fogies like me.

Oh I'm not an old fogey? What will you tell people if we get through this without blowing up? Old fart -is that the term you'll use?

Well, I really don’t care what you think of me, because all that matters is what I think of YOU!  And what you are going to do to correct a BIG mistake your company has made.  With this remote. 

Look at it – and think about what older people like me have to deal with when they touch this!  Look at my fingers….

         (Takes one finger off the grenade)


How about this finger? 

         (Gives the third finger)

It doesn’t matter which finger  - not one of my fingers can push these tiny buttons WITHOUT TOUCHING ANOTHER BUTTON!  What kind of idiot design is that?

And what about the delightful and ingenious method of turning on the cable and TV – not one, not two, but THREE  buttons need to be touched – and quickly!  VERY QUICKLY!  And don’t dare touch the other buttons because then it might start a nuclear war!  Or make it impossible to watch the only show I love to watch – EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND! 

And there are 63 buttons on this remote – and I need  two remotes just to work everything because I can’t press the tiny three buttons on top quickly enough!  And if I push a different set of buttons, then all the channels DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY!  And only my grandson can figure out how to get them back! 

I am 91 years old!  I lived through the Depression, fought in World War II, had two marriages, one son who died in Vietnam and  I watched a house I built float away in a flood, and I think I deserve to have a little peace and quiet and be able to watch some TV without going insane!

So you, Mr. Fancy Pants Director of Remote Control Invention, you are going to fix this problem, and fix it NOW or else I am going to make sure that you will never get to push ANY button…..(very suggestive) ANYWHERE……ever again!

         (Takes a deep breath, looks around)

And that my friends is what I will do when I get into his office. I can hardly wait. I'm doing the final planning now when I'm awake and able and remember all the other things I have to do are done. Which leaves me about 2 minutes a day.

Yes it's my dream! Everyone needs a dream!

         (Turns to leave stops looks back, listens)

Do I have a grenade from World War II?

       (Smiles and exits, to a remote chance of success)
Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty 

Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315      
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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