Monday, January 30, 2017

Monologue Mania Day #1083 Chances Are Good (for Senior Channel) by Janet S. Tiger (c) Jan. 30, 2017

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Monologue Mania Day #1083 Chances Are Good (for the Senior Channel) by Janet S. Tiger (c) Jan. 30, 2017

                                  Chances Are Good
                   by Janet S. Tiger all rights reserved

          (The actor enters with a handful of newspapers)

Okay, I admit, I'm old school......ok, I hated school, so maybe I'm just old, but I love these newspapers!  Look at them, interesting articles and every single one....true!  Why, if you read it in the newspaper, it must be!  My fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Sanchez, she told us, that reporters trained for years in how to research the truth, and then an editor checked over all the facts, and then it was put into typeface and a final proofreader took a look - so it was literally IMPOSSIBLE to have something that wasn't right in the paper!

And so I live by that today.  And no, I am not talking about the election, but about the statistics!

Here.....look at this... 

           (Holds up a paper)

Burnt toast is gives you cancer!  So it not only tastes crappy, it helps you die!  A 10% higher chance of dying!

Now get a hold a this....

           (Holds up another article)

Granola bars!  Eat these and your chance of dying from cancer....up 7.5 percent! But at least it's natural!  Just proves you don't have to be a smoker to be risky!

And here.....

            (He illustrates each of the following with a wave of a paper)

French fries!  Adds another 8% chance for cancer....
Hot dogs......bacon!......sausages.......7%, 12%......9%!

Artificial butter...POTATO CHIPS!

Microwave popcorn!  Red meat.....farmed salmon....sugar free soda!....And let's not forget.... Refined sugar...refined mom used to want me not to wipe my mouth on my sleeve because it wasn't refined......who would know refined could be...CANCEROUS!

        (Now takes out a calculator)

And if you add up all the comes to.....

         (Finishes with a flourish)

One hundred twenty-two per cent chance I will get cancer!



That's not a very cheery thought....

Wait a minute.....if it's absolutely sure I'm gonna get cancer, maybe, it doesn't matter if I have another hot dog.....and throw in some bacon, too.....with a Diet soda please......

        (Turns to leave, stops, looks back, smiles)

Well done......

        (Exits to a world of better percentages)


The science behind this -
(burnt toast)

(granola bars)

(a lot of these)

Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty 
Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315      
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8