Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Monologue Mania Day #1077 The Tester by Janet S. Tiger (c) Jan. 24, 2017

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Monologue Mania Day #1077 The Tester  by Janet S. Tiger (c) Jan. 24, 2017

                                                 The Tester                           
                                                            by Janet S. Tiger                                                                              (c) July 8 , 2014 all rights reserved                                                                           tigerteam1@gmail.com

            (A man is onstage, either on a bed, or flat on the ground.  He shudders, then lies very still.  After a moment, gets up and walks to look at the audience, glancing back at where he was lying.)

Whoa!    I had no idea this would be so cool!

Look at them!

They are really trying to save me!

          (He stands, hands on hips, nodding in appreciation)

Amazing!  I think that last procedure pinked me up a bit......got some color back in the blood, not that it helped.

           (He looks at the audience again.)

You may think I'm just a dead bum they found behind some bushes.  And....to be completely honest, that would be true.  But that's not all I am....I volunteered, right before I fully died, when they were taking me towards that big white light, to become....a tester.

You don't know what that is, do you?  That's good, because you have a chance to find out something.  Learning is good.  All these people.....

          (He indicates by where his body was)

All these people have learned a lot about how to save people. They have gone to lots and lots of classes in big fancy schools with smart teachers....most of them.  And they have studied and stayed up late and read all kinds of hard books, books with big words, and fancy diagrams, and lots of ideas they have to remember so - when you end up falling in the street because you had a stroke, or you get hit by a car, or someone beats the crap out of you because ....because they can....these people....they can save you. ......(Smiling) ....But you see, no matter how much they memorize, and how many As they got...... they need to practice.  And, again to be brutally honest, you really don't want them practicing some of this stuff on you!

         (Looks, then shudders and grabs his throat)

Ooh, that would have unpleasant if I'd still been alive.  They have a new guy intubating me...that's when they put a tube down your throat so you can get oxygen....it's not an easy job, if the tube goes past your vocal cords without damaging them...and if  the tube gets  right into your lungs...then it can help save your life.... but..... he missed, and that would have caused all kinds of trouble on a warm body.

         (He points to someone in the crowd)

Like if it had been you!

Scary, huh?  But this guy won't make that mistake again......and that pretty girl, the one with the blue eyes over there, she's learning how to put in an IV on an arm with collapsed veins......  After tonight, she will be happy to find the vein on you, if not on your arm, then on your foot, maybe, especially because your foot is probably not dirty, not crawling with bugs.......

And the older guy, the one with the new job using those electric paddles.....we call them jumper cables!......the electric shock that could bring you back to reality......he never thought he'd have to be learning something new at his age, but he's glad to try out  on me, because even though he pretends he's in control..... he's a little nervous about all that juice.

           (He watches again)

They're doing a good job trying.  It's been more than half an hour now.  They know I'm gone.  Now they're just practicing, not worried if what they do would kill me.  I'm gone.  That's  his fourth intubation.......He'll be so much better now.......more confident.......And her, that's try number seven for an IV.  Lucky seven.  Because it's also not so easy to do......needle marks make it a tough job to find a good spot. 

        (He listens)

(Sadder)  That's not what killed me though.  I've been using a long time.  You name it, I've tried it, meth, ludes, horse......tonight it just plain old dope and my old friend Jack....Jack Daniels! I was pretty wasted.... and I fell and hit my head on that rock there......

        (He points)

So I've been pretty out of it for a few hours.  That's why, when they gave me a shot at being a tester, I said, 'so what's involved here?  And they told me....and I said......

      (Takes a deep breath)  

OK.  So I guess you could say this was my last job.  I've been a busboy, a waiter, a guy who cleans out lockers, a dealer, .a bum..(quieter).....a father.....not a very good father.....(stronger) ....and now, I'm a tester.  Not for much longer, they're almost done.  I think they just started zipping me up for the last ride.

       (He stares for a moment, then turns to go, stops, looks back)

 Maybe now, something good will come out of my life.....even if it's....my death.

       (He turns to exit, but there is a fast blackout and he is.....gone.)

The end. 
First posted  Day #146    The Tester  (c) July 8, 2014    

Don't like a rerun?- well, here's a new one -  

                      Day # 1077  January 24, 2017

          (Actor enters, slinking on...ok, maybe this is the writer)

(Annoyed)  You're all so smug.  You listen to these monologues, and then you chuckle about when they are (imitates).....'just a RERUN!'  

or how about the famous.....THEY'RE ALL THE SAME!

Well, of course they are!  Every possible thing to write has already been written, and seen and thought of......and there is nothing new under the sun, Horatio, not even this line!

(In anguish)  But why do I do it?  Why slog on through the mud of all the weeks, the months, now THE YEARS? ALMOST THREE HUNDRED YEARS!  Okay, three years.....but why try to come up with something a tiny bit new.....original, or maybe just a tiny bit entertaining?

Well, here's the answer -  (Loud)  I DON'T KNOW!

There - are you happy now?  And here's the finale for today, my coda, my signature.....

        (Does the action as is yelling it)


       (Takes a deep sigh)


        (Walks offstage, shaking head....then turns again)

I do know.....I do it because.....in my heard of hearts.....I.....kinda like it.....

        (Exits laughing.....not the end...yet)

HA!  Betcha thought it was just an old one, well, I admit maybe I misled you a little.....sorry!  
And.for all those slogging with me, THANK YOU!  For reading, for commenting.....for joining me on this journey!  Hugs to you all!
Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty 
Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315                CaregiversAnon.org
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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