Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Monologue Mania Day # 686 Unplanned Obsolescence (for Senior Channel) by Janet S. Tiger Dec. 29, 2015

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day- for a whole year-and still going!
                                                                    first year -  Feb. 13, 2014 - Feb. 13, 2015
I've continued with a monologue a day until the spirit moves me to stop, so if you have any ideas for a monologue you want me to write, please let me know at tigerteam1@gmail.com.

If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues-

     For a list of the titles and blurbs from each day, 
click here  There are now over 670!
Get  more great  award-winning monologues - 

 If you'd like to write your own monologues, I happen to have a book for that -
            How to Write a Monologue in 10 Easy Lessons (Well, maybe not so easy)
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site.  Wishing you much success!    
Monologue Mania Day # 686 Unplanned Obsolescence (for Senior Channel) by Janet S. Tiger Dec. 29, 2015

           This was originally posted on Mar. 4, 2014 Monologue Mania Day #20 This has been performed at the Southern Oregon AARP Conference  (see photo) and 
I am putting it up again because of the great response to yesterday's Senior Channel.  

                   Unplanned Obsolescence

                                            by Janet S. Tiger  
                               (c) Mar. 4, 2014  all rights reserved                                                                                                                          tigerteam1@gmail.com

             (A very dapper older man comes onstage carrying a cane, which he will use liberally throughout his talk.               He is - how old? - somewhere near 100, but looks younger.  He is filled with energy and very happy to                 be here.  The announcer will introduce him as the actor's name......'Welcome today/night, Mr. ......and                   applause will be encouraged)

Thank you!  Thank you!  I'm so very happy to be here on this week's Senior Moments weekly - 'Where's the Beef?' segment.

I think it is marvelous that we have our own channel - and this is MY favorite part of the show, so I am so excited to tell people what's pulling my chain!


You heard me - the fellow last week was complaining bitterly about PLANNED OBSOLESCENCE - well, I am here....to tell him......quit yer bitchin!

That's right, you heard me - I am very irritated with all the people - and not just seniors! - who complain bitterly about how nothing is made as good as it used to be, how things fall apart too fast, how nothing lasts as long as it did.....well, I know something that used to break a lot when I was a kid - bones!

You heard me - bones!  And if you broke a bone, and it didn't get set properly, you walked with a limp till the day you died!  And if, God forbid, it was a compound fracture, and there was a break in the skin, and you got an infection, then, often as not, you could end up losing your whole leg with that infection!  Or....if it was bad enough......your life!

Why?  No antibiotics!  Sure, once in awhile now you hear about one person dying of an infection - but in the old days, EVERYONE knew someone!

Sure, it's easy to talk about the 'good old days' but what the hell days were those?

     (He listens)

Sorry, I'll watch my language......

Anyhow, the fellow last week was moaning about....(mimics the man).. opening some packages - and the week before that lady was on whining about how can openers do not work right....

I am 94 years old.......and I don't give a flying fu.....

      (Looks to the side of the stage)

A flying fandango whether or not my can opener breaks......in my book, they can all break!

Better all those items have to be re-purchased - better they are obsolete......and me, I am suffering from good health due to the fact I have completely avoided - Planned Obsolescence! Be honest,  no one expected us to last this long, live this long, work this long!  Yes, that's right, I still work -  volunteer work, but I would take a job if my wife hadn't convinced me to travel more......

You heard me - the important thing here.....the only important thing.....is that am still here!  That's it, the rest is completely and utterly irrelevant......okay, maybe not completely irrelevant.  I mean, it is annoying when things don't work.....but, lemme tell ya, at age 94, I prefer to think about the important things, like if the weather is good enough to play tennis today!

You heard me - and by the way, if you didn't hear me, turn your damned ear trumpets in my direction!

       (He tilts his head, holding his cane to his ear to illustrate.)

(Mocking)  Oh, no, don't have one?  Now THEY were sturdy, you could use them to hit people with!  What, you're using new-fangled hearing aids?  The kind that have batteries that you complain wear out too soon?  That get lost because they're too small?  And that is ...whose fault they get lost? 

       (Calms down a bit)

Now me, I had me an operation five months ago, right after my birthday.  An operation on my back.  Why?  So that I could play tennis every day, that's why!  My doctor, who is a very nice young man in his fifties
, tried to talk me out of it.  He warned me of all the potential problems - the complications, including  loss of bladder control, infection, paralysis, possible death-all the cheery stuff!.....and I told him I didn't care!  I was in pain, and the pain made tennis impossible.  And if I can't play tennis everyday, then I don't want to live!

Life is one big chance....you never know what's gonna happen.  So if something is gonna break, I would rather it be the damned can opener or the damned light bulb or even the damned car!  As long as it isn't ....ME!

Why is everyone so concerned with all these details?  Go out and buy another can opener!  And buy American - not only it will work better, it will probably help another American have some work.  And…if you want to be honest…..if you want to complain about broken things......fix the damn social security system while you’re at it!  The reason it doesn’t work – is because of the fact we are doing so damned well!

            (Leans in, telling a secret)

Let’s face, they’re all scared sh…….scared that we might live forever!

            (Looks to the side, listens)

Okay, I'm almost done.  Give me one more minute......

Thank you for listening - ear horns or hearing aids, or just plain old waxy lobes.....I appreciate being able to come on here and tell everyone exactly how I feel….. And I feel great!

       (He starts to walk off, hears a last question from the audience, turns back.)

Oh, thank you for reminding me!  

            (Holds the cane over his head)

What's the cane for?  No, as you can see,  I do not need this cane to walk.....and .I  certainly do not need it to play tennis with, thank goodness!  No, here's what I use my cane for.......

(He now does a simple dance, using the cane, starts to sing)

Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag
and  smile, smile, smile
Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag
  smile boys that's the  style

 What's the use of  worrying
It  never was worthwhile
  Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag 
and smile,  smile, smile

(He exits, smiling to - hopefully! - grand applause)

Note - this song is in the public domain, so it can be used onstage and in public

Original-  British 1915 written as a marching/recruiting song
(G) Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag
and (C) smile, smile, (G) smile
Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag
(A7) smile boys that's the (D7) style
(G) What's the use of (D7) worrying
It (C) never (G) was worth (D7) while
(G) Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag 
and (C) smile, (D7) smile, (G) smile


Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

No comments: