Monologue Mania: 2015

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Monologue Mania Day # 688 Countdown (updated) by Janet S. Tiger Dec. 31, 2015

This was first posted one year ago - now revised for 2016
Monologue Mania Day# 322 by Janet S. Tiger Countdown Dec. 31, 2014

For those counting, only 43 days left to this year of monologues! Which will mean two years! And for those who complain I rerun - I revise all the reruns - and sometimes I post entire one-acts, so it evens out!

Countdown

tigerteam1@gmail.com

(The actor enters, dressed for the New Year, doing somersaults varied with cartwheels. Stops right in the middle of the stage. Smiles, looks at watch.)

Ten..... new friends!

(Removes shoes and socks while counting.)
Nine. Movies I liked......

(Turns another somersault)

What a great year! Eight.....memorable meals.....

             (Cartwheel, then takes off jacket while counting. )

Seven .....great books I read......six.....people I will now miss......

             (Does three somersaults, takes off shirt)

Five times I missed being in an accident, four stubbed toes , three French hens....oops, that was last week!......

             (Starts to do a cartwheel, removes pants, stops, now only in underwear)

Maybe I don't want the ball to drop this year.....maybe....I don't want to see it end.....

             (Does a half-hearted cartwheel)

Two......too much information on Facebook....

              (Deep sigh, sits heavily)

Where do the years go? I mean, just a minute ago, I was turning cartwheels, and now.....

(Tries to stand, can't)

One...more chance to do good things in a new year.............Beginnings.....

              (Turns to leave, wiggles rear, looks back over shoulder, smiles)

And ends.....

(Starts crawling like a baby, giggling, happy, reaches into underwear, grins broadly, removes a New Year's blowy thingy and starts blowing it)

Happy New Year!

(Blowing still, exits......and so does 2015......ends and beginnings....... May the New Year be a Happy, Healthy Year for all!)

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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

JanetSTigerMonologueMania.blogspot.com

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Monologue Mania Day # 687 End of Year Memories by Janet S. Tiger Dec. 30, 2015

by Janet S. Tiger
                                © 2015 all rights reserved
                                     tigerteam1@gmail.com

(An older man enters, holding a 3-oz paper cup, staring at it in awe)

(Over the top Shakespeare-ish) Alas, poor cuppy, I drank from him well!

(He takes the cup as if to crush it, then stops)

Why am I holding this silly little useless cup? I mean, it wasn't useless when I used it to rinse my mouth out a few minutes ago, but now, it is merely detritus.....which is to be distinguished from mere garbage by the way.....and, as it is no longer sanitary, and it is all wilted from the water, by rights I should be discarding it.....my wife has told me...often!....that I need to discard it.

She has told me when I forget to do so.....and sometimes, even when I remember, she reminds me of the...according to her...THOUSANDS ...of times that I have...forgotten.

That is what makes this innocuous little cup so formidable. For, when I do forget, which happens...even more as I age and have a legitimate reason to forget.....when I forget, she reminds me....because this cup represents not just this cup....but ALL the things I have forgotten.

It is a ...what's the word... a SYMBOL...of my many and varied mistakes over our 42 years of marriage. Depending on how irritated she is....we could go back as far as our wedding, where I insulted her cousin Wilma by not dancing with her.....even though the hairs on Wilma's chin were longer than my beard......no matter....still remembered!

And let's not forget the horror of our 25th wedding anniversary, where she had hinted for weeks, no, make that months as the story grows over the years, like a tree of Missed Knowledge.....she had hinted that she wanted this special pearl necklace where the pearls were etched in a BRAND NEW method to say 25 years if you looked at them just so in the right light......but I....I was foolish, and missed these hints, only responding to the fact that our refrigerator broke the day before our anniversary, and I bought a new one and had in installed with a bow on it!

I still don't know why she was so mad......but she has spent the last 17 years trying to explain it! As I'm sure all the women in this audience will be trying to do to their spouses......

And let's not forget the ongoing issue of the cup itself......I take a sip, and I am supposed to put the used utensil into the garbage pail about three feet away. (Smiling) Sometimes I do....and sometimes......ooh, sometimes....I do not....and sometimes she throws it out without saying a word. That's when things are calm on the ocean, when we are laughing and having fun.....but the other times...oh, that's when I see the clouds in the distance, scudding across the sky.....ready to dump their wrath on me!

And so....I make the grievous error of......

(He puts the cup down as if on a counter)

.....not discarding! And then......the clouds burst!

I am entreated to every memory of my forgetfulness! This is the end of the year, and all the stations do their.....'big events of the past 12 months' well, my wife does 42 YEARS of memories ......of my mistakes! I have no worry about her mind slipping because I doubt if any one transgression has been forgotten! Me, on the other hand, I can't remember any of them until she reminds me.....because, to me, they were never that important! And when I tell her that, it is as if - in the midst of the hurricane - she stops to develop a tornado!

I wait until the winds have whipped into a fury, and then.....then I tell her she's always most beautiful when she's angry, and, just like that day 42 years ago, during our first big fight after being married, she stops, and starts to smile, and then she laughs, and the storm is instantly over, and the sun comes through.

(He holds the cup high)

To discard, or not to discard....aye, there's the question......

(He turns to leave, stops, looks back, listens,)

Why not just throw it out now? Now what would be the fun in that!

(He exits, still contemplating the cup and smiling....to another year of memories - wishing everyone a Happy, Healthy and Successful New Year!)

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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

JanetSTigerMonologueMania.blogspot.com

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Monologue Mania Day # 686 Unplanned Obsolescence (for Senior Channel) by Janet S. Tiger Dec. 29, 2015

I am putting it up again because of the great response to yesterday's Senior Channel.

                   Unplanned Obsolescence
                                            by Janet S. Tiger
                               (c) Mar. 4, 2014 all rights reserved tigerteam1@gmail.com

(A very dapper older man comes onstage carrying a cane, which he will use liberally throughout his talk. He is - how old? - somewhere near 100, but looks younger. He is filled with energy and very happy to be here. The announcer will introduce him as the actor's name......'Welcome today/night, Mr. ......and applause will be encouraged)

Thank you! Thank you! I'm so very happy to be here on this week's Senior Moments weekly - 'Where's the Beef?' segment.

I think it is marvelous that we have our own channel - and this is MY favorite part of the show, so I am so excited to tell people what's pulling my chain!

Obsolescence!

You heard me - the fellow last week was complaining bitterly about PLANNED OBSOLESCENCE - well, I am here....to tell him......quit yer bitchin!

That's right, you heard me - I am very irritated with all the people - and not just seniors! - who complain bitterly about how nothing is made as good as it used to be, how things fall apart too fast, how nothing lasts as long as it did.....well, I know something that used to break a lot when I was a kid - bones!

You heard me - bones! And if you broke a bone, and it didn't get set properly, you walked with a limp till the day you died! And if, God forbid, it was a compound fracture, and there was a break in the skin, and you got an infection, then, often as not, you could end up losing your whole leg with that infection! Or....if it was bad enough......your life!

Why? No antibiotics! Sure, once in awhile now you hear about one person dying of an infection - but in the old days, EVERYONE knew someone!

Sure, it's easy to talk about the 'good old days' but what the hell days were those?

     (He listens)

Sorry, I'll watch my language......

Anyhow, the fellow last week was moaning about....(mimics the man).. opening some packages - and the week before that lady was on whining about how can openers do not work right....

I am 94 years old.......and I don't give a flying fu.....

      (Looks to the side of the stage)

A flying fandango whether or not my can opener breaks......in my book, they can all break!

Better all those items have to be re-purchased - better they are obsolete......and me, I am suffering from good health due to the fact I have completely avoided - Planned Obsolescence! Be honest, no one expected us to last this long, live this long, work this long! Yes, that's right, I still work - volunteer work, but I would take a job if my wife hadn't convinced me to travel more......

You heard me - the important thing here.....the only important thing.....is that I am still here! That's it, the rest is completely and utterly irrelevant......okay, maybe not completely irrelevant. I mean, it is annoying when things don't work.....but, lemme tell ya, at age 94, I prefer to think about the important things, like if the weather is good enough to play tennis today!

You heard me - and by the way, if you didn't hear me, turn your damned ear trumpets in my direction!

       (He tilts his head, holding his cane to his ear to illustrate.)

(Mocking) Oh, no, don't have one? Now THEY were sturdy, you could use them to hit people with! What, you're using new-fangled hearing aids? The kind that have batteries that you complain wear out too soon? That get lost because they're too small? And that is ...whose fault they get lost?

   (Calms down a bit)

Now me, I had me an operation five months ago, right after my birthday. An operation on my back. Why? So that I could play tennis every day, that's why! My doctor, who is a very nice young man in his fifties, tried to talk me out of it. He warned me of all the potential problems - the complications, including loss of bladder control, infection, paralysis, possible death-all the cheery stuff!.....and I told him I didn't care! I was in pain, and the pain made tennis impossible. And if I can't play tennis everyday, then I don't want to live!

Life is one big chance....you never know what's gonna happen. So if something is gonna break, I would rather it be the damned can opener or the damned light bulb or even the damned car! As long as it isn't ....ME!

Why is everyone so concerned with all these details? Go out and buy another can opener! And buy American - not only it will work better, it will probably help another American have some work. And…if you want to be honest…..if you want to complain about broken things......fix the damn social security system while you’re at it! The reason it doesn’t work – is because of the fact we are doing so damned well!

            (Leans in, telling a secret)

Let’s face, they’re all scared sh…….scared that we might live forever!

            (Looks to the side, listens)

Okay, I'm almost done. Give me one more minute......

Thank you for listening - ear horns or hearing aids, or just plain old waxy lobes.....I appreciate being able to come on here and tell everyone exactly how I feel….. And I feel great!

       (He starts to walk off, hears a last question from the audience, turns back.)

Oh, thank you for reminding me!

            (Holds the cane over his head)

What's the cane for? No, as you can see, I do not need this cane to walk.....and .I certainly do not need it to play tennis with, thank goodness! No, here's what I use my cane for.......

(He now does a simple dance, using the cane, starts to sing)

Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag
and smile, smile, smile
Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag
smile boys that's the style

What's the use of worrying
It never was worthwhile
soooo....
Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag
and smile, smile, smile

(He exits, smiling to - hopefully! - grand applause)

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Note - this song is in the public domain, so it can be used onstage and in public

Original- British 1915 written as a marching/recruiting song
(G) Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag
and (C) smile, smile, (G) smile
Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag
(A7) smile boys that's the (D7) style
(G) What's the use of (D7) worrying
It (C) never (G) was worth (D7) while
soooo....
(G) Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag
and (C) smile, (D7) smile, (G) smile
-----------------------------------
https://www.pdinfo.com/PD-Song-List/PD-Song-List-Best-P.php

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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

JanetSTigerMonologueMania.blogspot.com

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Monday, December 28, 2015

Monologue Mania Day # 685 The Senior Channel (rerun of the first) by Janet S. Tiger Dec. 28, 2015

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day- for a whole year-and still going!
                      first year - Feb. 13, 2014 - Feb. 13, 2015
I've continued with a monologue a day until the spirit moves me to stop, so if you have any ideas for a monologue you want me to write, please let me know at tigerteam1@gmail.com.

If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues-

     For a list of the titles and blurbs from each day, click here There are now over 680!

Get more great award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
If you'd like to write your own monologues, I happen to have a book for that -
  How to Write a Monologue in 10 Easy Lessons (Well, maybe not so easy)
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site. Wishing you much success!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monologue Mania Day # 685 by Janet S. Tiger Dec. 28, 2015

This was originally posted on Day # 9, Feb. 21, 2014 - and there are now over 25 monologues -plus yesterday's! - that would be part of The Senior Channel!

     The Senior Channel
                               by Janet S. Tiger
(c) all rights reserved Feb. 21, 2014  tigerteam1@gmail.com

(An older man enters, he is holding a paper bag - and he is annoyed.)

This is my idea for your Shark Tank! I want to start a company - right now! - and I want it to be a channel for senior citizens, calling it, cleverly enough, THE SENIOR CHANNEL. It would be donations from seniors who want a channel for themselves. (Starts to get emotional) It would address important issues for senior citizens - and best of all - because it is all donations - it would have NO ADS about bladder slings and Viagra and lawsuits...and especially no ads with Alex Trebek about insurance!

(Calms just a little) Sorry about that, my doctor says I get excited too easily- and don't tell me to zip through the commercials, since VCRs were replaced with that TIVO, I have absolutely no idea how to watch anything except live TV unless my grandchildren are around!

(Quiets a bit, trying to be calm) To start, for the first project, I want it to have a TV show, just like this, and I want it to address a severe need we have - the inability to open the simplest of objects!

(He now opens the bag)

Let me explain - I have here a container - simple enough - I bought it at the store.

(He holds it up)

I cannot open it - and I challenge you to try!

(He 'hands' the containers into the crowd)

And you are all younger than I am!

Let's see how long it takes you......

(He pulls a pocket watch out and clicks, starting to time them, as he attempts to open the package himself - unsuccessfully. Looks at the watch)

Well, that's .......long enough......shall we waste more of the public's time?

I have a faster solution!

(He removes a small hammer from his other pocket and smashes the container on the ground.)

There - done!

Only problem - hard to eat the food now!

So what's the program? I want to have our first Senior Channel TV program where we track down all the people who make these unopenable items, and then we confront them, just like they do on 60 Minutes!

(He turns around - now he is both a reporter and a cowering subject.)

(Harsh, newslike) And our sources indicate you are the designer of this object which has caused, according to our calculations, over 10 million three hundred thousand sixty-one minutes of lost time per year! And that does not include the visits to the emergency room when physical injury was incurred during the opening of the object! What do you have to say for yourself?

(As the cowering designer) I ....Iwas jjjjjjjust .......doing my job!

(Back to himself) And then we will hit him....

(He hits himself, jumps.)

And they will never do that again!

The possibilities are endless! Everyone watching will be happy to send in objects to be part of the show - and if their item is chosen, they will get to confront the originators of these horrible omnipresent, omnipotent and ubiquitous objects!

Whew - that was an interesting line.......

The cost? Unimportant! The profit? Immense! This show could change the world - for the better! We could make the designers of these everyday items aware that WE ARE WATCHING - and we are MAD AS HELL, and WE ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!

And you could have people throwing these objects out of the windows, and it would be a huge hit!

Other programs on this channel will include actual people trying to open the packages - and we'd have them dropping objects from tall buildings, using buzz saws, and chain saws- can you imagine what will happen when the saw works, and food sprays all over people! a......we have endless opportunities for fun!

So, which of you sharks want to be in on the ground floor of the hottest idea in the land of Seniors.......

(He closes up his bag, starts to walk off)

All of you? Well, that sounds just like my dream!

(He smiles and walks off. Not the end, but the beginning of The Senior Channel.)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
With great appreciation to Paddy Chayevsky for the original line from Network - 'I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

JanetSTigerMonologueMania.blogspot.com

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Monologue Mania Day # 684 Growing Out of It (for Senior Channel) by Janet S. Tiger Dec. 27, 2015

by Janet S. Tiger
                                © 2015 all rights reserved
                                     tigerteam1@gmail.com

(The older actor marches throughout the audience with a sign held high- the sign says 'On strike'. The actor waves it proudly, marches on stage and nods to the crowd)

I hope you all are ready to join me - those of you old enough to remember what 'on strike' means! If you are sick and tired of not being listened to....if you are just plain sick and tired, then join us in this fight for our rights, the rights to be heard, the rights to be.....old!

We need to show these young whippersnappers how to do it! Now is the time! Everywhere is the place! This is our moment! Seize it with those arthritic fingers!

Refuse to be treated like a second class citizen because you don't understand the latest computer gadgets! Teach them some manners! Make them wait!

Take out your cash and plunk it on the counter and you make them wait! They don't like you counting? That's because they don't know how! So start over! And do the last in pennies - that'll drive them really nuts!

And they already think we repeat ourselves - so use it against them! Ask them questions! All the time....and make them repeat the answers until you understand!

They don't want us driving? Take your canes and walkers and wheelchairs and go into the parking lots! Make them wait for us at the lights! Force them to slow down those newfangled cars that you can't even hear when they zoom down the street!

And before they hoodwink you out of everything you've worked for - while you are still compos mentis - change your damn wills! Do not leave your money to them! Spend it all and then force your children or nieces and nephews to either take care of you in their homes or camp on their front lawns! Make them pay attention to us again! (Very loud) Make them ....listen!

Why do all this? Why make all this trouble? Because we still can!

(Turns to leave, takes the sign and stops, looks back)

Remember - there is no growing out of old age!

(Exits to striking cheers of support)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

JanetSTigerMonologueMania.blogspot.com

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Monologue Mania Day # 683 How it Flies (for Real World Science) by Janet S. Tiger Dec. 26, 2015

by Janet S. Tiger
                                © 2015 all rights reserved
                                     tigerteam1@gmail.com

(A woman in a lab coat runs onstage, she is in a flurry of activity)

Yes, I know I told you I would explain, but can't you see how busy I am? My nephew is leaving and I have so much to do!

(Listens)

(Very flustered) Oh, all right! I'll give you the very short technical explanation! I mean it is very simple how an airplane stays in the air! The way it stays in the air is....

(She stops moving for a moment and stands tall)

It stays in the air because it's held up by .....a big, firm bubble of worry!

(Listens)

Well, of course that's not what they teach in science class! Because they just give you a lot of mumbo jumbo and equations designed to make you feel stupid! And you do! But the truth is,,,,it's all just a roiling bubble of worry, and of course it works! How do we know? Simple! It works because otherwise....and this is the only real proof - it works because otherwise.... all the planes would be falling down!

(She turns to leave, stops, looks back)

Now you'll have to excuse me....my nephew is leaving soon for Florida....on a plane! So I must go....I have a whole lot of worrying to do!

(She exits.....to a new flight of fancy)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

JanetSTigerMonologueMania.blogspot.com

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Friday, December 25, 2015

Monologue Mania Day # 682 When Death Knocked at My Door by Janet S. Tiger Dec. 25, 2015

by Janet S. Tiger
                                © 2015 all rights reserved
                                     tigerteam1@gmail.com

(The man who walks out is older, dressed in black, formal, head bowed)

I can't believe it. They warned me when I met her, that she was too young for me....that....if I married her .....death would be knocking at my door much sooner. But I didn't care, because she was so beautiful....so young...so vibrant and ......she made all my friends - the ones still alive - green with envy.........What did it matter..... why would I want to live another twenty years of life if it was without her? What would twenty years without her be like? Better than five with her? Four with her?

(Sighs) One with her.

How do you choose? How do you know?

(He turns to leave, stops, looks back, wipes his eyes)

How would I know....that when death knocked at my door.....it would be for her......

(He exits.......)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

JanetSTigerMonologueMania.blogspot.com

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Monologue Mania Day # 681 For Jonathan (RIP) by Janet S. Tiger Dec. 24, 2015

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day-
for a whole year-and still going! first year - Feb. 13, 2014 - Feb. 13, 2015
I've continued with a monologue a day until the spirit moves me to stop, so if you have any ideas for a monologue
you want me to write, please let me know at tigerteam1@gmail.com.
If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues-
here's a list of the titles and blurbs from each day, click here There are now over 680!
Get more great award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
If you'd like to write your own monologues, I happen to have a book for that -
How to Write a Monologue in 10 Easy Lessons (Well, maybe not so easy)
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site. Wishing you much success!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monologue Mania Day # 681 For Jonathan (RIP)by Janet S. Tiger Dec. 24, 2015

Originally posted on Day #304 Dec. 13, 2014

For Jonathan

tigerteam1@gmail.com

(The person comes out onstage, dressed in black, wiping away tears. The person is me)

This time of year, despite pastors and priests and reverends vehement denials -almost the paramount issue for all is.....gifts.

And yet, the greatest gifts are truly the love we have for others - parents, siblings of course, but for them we have no choice. We are born and there they are!

But the gift of a friend.....what a special treat that is! And the sadness that comes with eating all the candy, opening all the gifts....well, that sadness cannot compare with the loss of that gift....that friend.

I think grieving for a lost friend is one of the hardest things, as love for friends is not genetic, because it is chosen, so the bonds are forged in a different type of way, a way that involves not covalent bonds of atoms, but the bonds forged like a chef when making a delicious dish. There is the introduction, the first discovery of the flavors together, the meeting of the two minds, and, the instant aroma that happens when you know something is going to taste good.

Then you continue on with the dish over the years, adding memories, some like large chunks of chicken, the major events shared, others like pinches of spices, the shared laughter of private jokes.

Sometimes, there is a pot left simmering too long, and the worry is that the mix is now too hot, or the bottom burned, but when you check, you discover the extra heat of anger or upset or trouble made the contents come together more evenly, and the taste, when left to cool a bit, even more amazing.

I am torn to continue the analogy, because it makes me giggle a bit, and I can hear Jonathan reading this aloud in his wonderful Southern or British accent -can't decide which is better for this monologue - maybe actor's choice.

But then the years pass, and the dish, re-constituted from what was left in the freezer to save it during months apart in other countries or busy with family or ...just too busy to remember how delicious the dish was - and you find the container, and re-open it, warm it slowly and the aroma of that friendship warms the room, then the entire house, and your heart.......

And then, the dish is finished, the last bits scraped from the sides of the pot or the pan, the container washed, the knowledge there will be no more of that wondrous flavor ever again on this side of heaven, and the final seasoning is the salty tears.

It is a deep sadness, because we humans are selfish - we always want more of anything that tastes so good, even if we sometimes forget it, and leave it on a shelf or in the fridge.....but once it is gone forever because the key ingredient is no longer made, we mourn bitterly all the times we missed having it. Until, along the way, the scrumptious scent wafts in from somewhere - an article, a photo, a laugh, and we recall that beloved friend again in all the glory of their youth and first flavors, and we smile through our tears.

And we go out and cry and share the memory with others, and we have a taste of something good and we remember, and we still love.......

I can hear you reading this Jonathan, and I can see you smiling and maybe even offering me some ways to make it better. Thank you, dear friend. I will miss you. We will all miss you.

(I turns to exit, look back)

And thank God for kleenexes!

(I exit. The final curtain for a dear friend, Jonathan Dunn-Rankin, may he rest in peace in that glorious theater in the sky!)

------------------------------------------

Final notes- This piece will be my only one this year in the first person because of the very personal nature of my grief today. The reference to kleenexes is one Jonathan (and a few others) will spot - he performed one of my monologues 'Get a Cold' (wonderfully, of course, I can still hear him say -

'I went into the archives...... these (he would hold up the kleenex box).... ingenious! See how they pop up all by themselves! I could do this all day!'

It would always get a laugh.......because he would always do it perfectly. I mention this because.....even with all the tears, I just couldn't end on a sad note, I had to give one last look...........and now, one year later, I keep looking back whenever I hear an actor try to imitate Jonathan's accent or style, and being unable tomatch it because.....he was truly one of a kind. May you rest in peace......we still miss you! And we thank you for being such a gift of a friend.....

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

JanetSTigerMonologueMania.blogspot.com

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Monologue Mania Day # 680 Breeding Grounds by Janet S. Tiger Dec. 23, 2015

(Simple set, one chair stage right, one chair stage left. A man in his fifties enters, looks around, sits in one of the chairs. This is Barry, and he is niiiiiiiice. Dressed nice, hair nice, smile nice. He is looking around, waving at others occasionally and then he stops to stare as Ellen enters, also in fifties, nicely dressed, a little hesitant/ He perks up, looks around. Ellen notices him and looks away in the standard flirt response, to which he responds positively.

When she looks back and smiles, then turns her head away, he picks up his chair and takes it over, puts it next to hers, smiles, sits down.)

BARRY - Hi, my name's Barry, what's yours?

ELLEN - Does it matter?

BARRY - (Taken aback) Beg your pardon?

ELLEN - Are you deaf? You don't look old enough to be deaf. I said...(louder) Does it matter?

BARRY - Excuse me, but I thought, well, it looked like you were ...I don't know, smiling at me, and I thought, well, that, perhaps....

(She gives him an almost withering look)

ELLEN - You thought I was interested because I smiled and looked away.

BARRY - Well, yes, I guess....

ELLEN - You guess, or you know? I mean, I'm almost fifty-five, and I've been divorced seventeen years and I don't think either of us is getting younger, so you guess or you know why you came over.

BARRY - (Stumbling, never dealt with this before) Well, I .....thought that we had a moment of connection, but obviously I was wrong, because that moment of connection was probably just some gas from the rotten eggs you ate for lunch...excuse me....

(He stands up to take his chair when she laughs and reaches out to his arm, pulling him down)

ELLEN - Not so fast! That was better!

BARRY - (Now totally confused) So....what's happening here?

ELLEN - We both know what's happening...Barry? It is Barry, isn't it?

(He nods)

ELLEN - Barry....we are here at this singles event and I've never seen you and you've never seen me, so we are almost complete strangers, except for the fact we are here which means we are fairly desperate, although not as completely desperate as those of us who go online and fail miserably....which I have to admit I have done, have you?

BARRY - I have...but I'm surprised....online, you may be able to disguise that lovely acidic wit of yours to pull off a first date - am I right?

ELLEN - (Delighted) You are! I am the queen of first dates!

BARRY - But for some unknown reason, there is no second date....

ELLEN - Oh, please, don't slip back! We both know the reason for no second dates.....most men are complete idiots and I am past the age of putting up with all the crap.....

BARRY - That assumes the men want to put up with your crap...

ELLEN - Completely true....which is why I come to this Jewish Forever Alone club and refuse to act nice....it weeds out those who are unable to deal with the reality of what will hit after a few months of dating.....

BARRY - You mean that you're a giant bitch?

ELLEN - Oh, so crude! I like that! The reality of what happens when everyone stops acting nice.....so I decided to stop acting nice right from the start to see where it gets me...

BARRY - Well, this is where it gets you....

(He stands to go)

ELLEN - When I first saw you, I thought you had more balls than that....

BARRY - Just two, which has been enough for me so far.....as long as they don't get chewed off....

ELLEN - Oh, come on, you know that if I was 25, you'd be happy to let me chew at them!

(Laughing in spite of himself, he sits)

BARRY - All right, I'll bite, why are you here? Is this some kind of psychology experiment?

(He looks around)

BARRY - Is it for some graduate thesis? How do men react to women who insult them? Do they walk away, run away? Do they stay for more abuse like in that Shades of Grey movie?

ELLEN - Well, I'm not into that....

(Holds open her purse)

ELLEN - You can check me for whips and chains.....

BARRY - So what's the deal?

ELLEN - I have some magic words that most men find completely irresistible......I have absolutely no interest in a long term relationship.

BARRY - So you've really been hurt!

ELLEN - No....... I'm really sick.....and I have only another year or so to live......

BARRY - That's not funny...

ELLEN - I didn't think so either when the doctors told me, but there it is....no foreplay, just the climax. I really only want someone for the good months, I'm not asking for anyone to hang around until the bitter end......and I won't have parts falling off of me in bed, so it's an easy decision - can you handle it?

BARRY - Whew, that's a lot! Can you give me a minute?

(She takes out her phone and sets the alarm)

ELLEN - You've got it! Sixty seconds counting down!

(He looks a bit stunned and she points to her watch)

ELLEN - Tick tock! I literally don't have forever.... but if it helps you, I have had a wonderful life. I have one child, who is not a complete disappointment to me, so I am happy to leave behind something worthwhile.......I have many friends, and I have watched you as you came in, and I know a lot about you.....

BARRY - You do?

ELLEN - You are most probably recently divorced or widowed.....and your children encouraged you to meet others in person rather than the disasters online, and you are looking for something important, but you are nervous about being hurt.....I can solve that dilemma right now.....I'm very easy and I will break it off long before I check out - or you start caring too much.....

(Looks at watch)

ELLEN - There, sixty seconds. What's your decision? Do we go to dinner and beyond, or is this it?

BARRY - Well, this has to be the most interesting of my three times here.....it's certainly different from the breeding grounds of my youth, the dances, the concerts, the Friday night services spent in the hunt for hormonal satisfaction.....but....

ELLEN - (Horrified) Oh, no, the ...the big BUT!

(Barry is silent and she quiets)

BARRY - I let you speak, now it's my turn. I can understand that you are in a ...what's the best way of saying it....a shitty situation? And that the urge to take it out on someone is very strong.....and you certainly don't need a whip with a tongue like that.....what is your name? Never mind....it doesn't matter......

(He stands)

BARRY - I may be a nice guy, but I'm not a doormat.....I had that with my first wife.....and I learned with my second wife, may she rest in peace, that I don't have to be stepped on like dirt.....so...with that in mind, my answer is no....I am not yet desperate enough to get sucked into your crazy....

(He turns to go, starts to walk away. She looks down, puts her head into her hands. He stops and looks back, sees this and nods, walks back, touches her shoulder. She looks up and takes a deep breath)

BARRY - On the way here, I turned a corner and some guy ran a red light, almost smashed into me with a giant SUV...but he didn't, missed me by inches.....You may want to be a mystery woman...but the real mystery is that no one knows how long any of us have.....For all I know, maybe not even God knows!.....I do know one thing....we are alone....but we are alone in this together......so.... if you're interested in perhaps .......making a new friend.....in choosing life ......for the time you have left........here's my card.....

(He hands her a card, which she looks at)

ELLEN - (Taking a deep breath) My name is Ellen.......in case I call.....

(As lights fade, he touches her cheek. Blackout. Not completely the end)

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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

JanetSTigerMonologueMania.blogspot.com

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8