first year - Feb. 13, 2014 - Feb. 13, 2015
I've continued with a monologue a day until the spirit moves me to stop, so if you have any ideas for a monologue you want me to write, please let me know at email@example.com. Some days - like today - will be reruns that are re-written a bit. Hope they are improved!
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Monologue Mania Day # 406 And the Winner Is.... by Janet S. Tiger March 25, 2015
And the Winner Is......
by Janet S. Tiger (c) 2015 all rights
(A woman enters, dressed beautifully, with a flowing cape, carrying an award, like an Oscar in size. She waves at the audience)
Thank you, thank you all for coming tonight to share this special time with us! You are so kind!
Oh, this is such an honor, to present this award! Is everyone ready?
(She cups a hand to an ear, smiles at the response)
Darling, you know, when the therapist suggested we do this, I thought it was silly, but now I am very excited to find out the results!
(She points to the audience)
There he is! My hubby! Thirty-five years of wedded bliss... and this is our 50th wedding anniversary!
(She does vaudeville step that goes with this ancient joke, da-da-dah)
Well, if everyone is ready, we are about to announce the winner .....what everyone has been waiting for....all evening ......the Oscar for the best fight of our marriage!
So without further ado......the nominees for best fight of our marriage.....
(She looks at a paper)
Ooh, this is one of my favorites! How to wrap up the garbage bag! And now, for a simulated clip from the actual argument......
(She takes a garbage bag out of her pocket, removes the cape and puts in the plastic bag)
Why don't you use a twist n tie - they give you one! It's free! When you tie the top- especially the way you tie it...... the bugs crawl right through!
There! Simple! A twist n' tie and the bugs don't get out! How difficult is that?
The second nominee is one that I think everyone here can identify with......It's a medley.......How long did you say you were going on that fishing trip and How much did you spend on those shoes when you have forty pairs already?
Let's look at the live action clip.......
(She removes the shoes and hides them under the cape, puts her hands on her hips)
You are going to be away for .....(spluttering)....a whole week? And you think I believe you? You do realize that this is the week of the school's Musical Madness Event? I know it's a bit long, but you don't think you can sneak out of......what did you say?
(She pushes the cape backwards, hiding the shoes)
(Evasive) I....um, can't remember how much I spent on those shoes......and I need them, for the Musical Event! They have sparkles! Everyone loves sparkles.....and don't try to change the subject, Mr. Super Fisherman!
They did not cost as much as a week's fishing vacation! And if you do not want me to look nice when we go out, then go fishing, see if I care!
(She picks up the cape and shoes, walks off, returning to wave with the shoes and cape on, carrying a shopping bag)
And now, nominee three....which is, I admit MY personal favorite......the one that brings us to World War III every time we bring it up......the great ......HAM TOSS!
(She lifts the bag)
A Christmas ham! All set to be cooked! Our first Christmas together in our very first apartment, and the argument.....WHAT TEMPERATURE SHOULD THE HAM BE COOKED AT? My family is a scientific one - the ham must be defrosted, then cooked at precisely 325 degrees for 10 minutes per pound.....(very sarcastic). His family believes in some mystical cooking system .....low and slow.... 200 degrees for a hundred hours, until the house is steaming and the smell of the cooking is soaked into your furniture!
So we have a fight and I take a walk and come back and......
(She wraps the ham up tight and waves it around her head)
WHERE IS THE HAM?
(She sails it into the wings and starts screaming)
HOW DO YOU THROW AWAY A HAM? IT'S A SIN TO THROW AWAY FOOD, ESPECIALLY AT CHRISTMAS! JESUS WILL HATE US!
(She walks to the wings, brings back the bag)
But he has discarded the ham triple wrapped - next to the garbage pail - and one of the neighbors has heard our argument, found the ham and taken it to finish cooking....for their family! They cook it with honey and beer and it smells delicious and.......... they invite us over for Christmas dinner and we laugh about it for years.....when we are still arguing about who was right.......
(She wipes her eyes)
And my husband says to me.....maybe we both were........
(She turns to leave, stops looks back)
And the winner is.........wait a minute, let me open the envelope.....
(She reaches into a pocket, nothing there. She is furious, looks into the audience)
You have the envelope!
I told you to give it to me before I went onstage.....I'm gonna get you for this.......
(She runs into the audience, chasing, then stops)
Maybe this can be one of next year's nominees!
(She exits....on to the next argument!)
Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-ResidenceSwedenborg Hall 2006-8