Monday, January 26, 2015

Monologue Mania Day# 348 by Janet S. Tiger A Pointed Friendship Jan. 26, 2015

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Monologue Mania Day# 348 by Janet S. Tiger  A Pointed Friendship Jan. 26, 2015
                                      A Pointed Friendship
                                              by Janet S. Tiger   
                                     c) 2015     all rights reserved

                   (An older woman sashays onstage - this is the same woman as funeral plans Day # 157, she is dressed perfectly, waves)

Hello.....yes, it's me.

I'm back, and, contrary to popular belief,  I'm still not dead yet.  Which is still irritating to me, because I am constantly in need of updating my list of people who will not be allowed at my funeral.
And please do not think that just because the list is growing means that I want more friends - not true!  Not true at all.....people call me and ask me to meet someone new, and they say, 'I hope you like them'  ......well, I hope I don't! 

I have enough friends - my dance card is full. And full of some very boring people, may I add.   There is only one value to knowing boring people -  If I want to go to sleep, I call up a friend who is boring. It's better than taking ambien.

And if something happens, like I meet someone interesting, like what happened with you......
       (points to the audience)

....and I actually like the person, then  it becomes a big problem if something happens and I find out I don't like them anymore, then they have to be added to the 'not allowed' list.  More troubles! 

A beautiful day?  You like this?  Watch out, you may get switched onto the 'not allowed list' you don't want to be there, I tell you, my funeral is going to be the event of the year, no, the event of the decade.....maybe even the century!

Now I'm going to tell you why I hate fresh air.  You see, if it's a snowy or rainy day, I don't have to go out. I have to get all made up just to go buy a loaf of bread.
And if I am seen in public, I must be completely made up and my hair must be perfect.  I am all that remains of the movie star image of I wasn't a movie star, young people don't know that.  And anyhow, talent is completely irrelevant now. 

All you have to do to be famous is make a ridiculous movie where you are naked.  Then say incredibly stupid things in public, or on the computer, and...voila....
        (She gives a flourish of her hand)

You are famous!  

I should be famous just because I am still alive!  I suppose one day that will happen, too.  But I won't be one hundred for another ten years, so forget about that. 

Why am I walking?  Because some fool doctor told me I need to get a modicum of exercise and watch what I eat.  I told him I have outlived two doctors, and I will probably outlive him as well, and if I don't. then he is definitely not allowed at my funeral!

I just hate doctors who tell me what to do!  And I hate people who are careful what they eat.  (Mocking)They are allergic to anchovies or are watching their cholesterol - if you get hit by a car, they don't ask you about your cholesterol.

So, please my dear, eat each meal as if it was your last - because you never know, it just may be your last.


What's the point of it all?  My dear, haven't you learned anything yet?  There is no point.....

         (She turns to leave, stops, looks back)

Except of course, on top of some people's heads........and they won't be invited either......

         (She exits, but she is not gone yet)



Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983


Swedenborg Hall 2006-8