Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Monologue Mania Day# 328 by Janet S. Tiger We Need More Warning Labels! Jan. 6, 2015

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day
                                                                        - for a whole year!
Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty info.

 If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to 
http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.
     To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - 
click here.
     For a list of the blurbs from each day,
 click here

Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - 
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this sit

Monologue Mania Day# 328 by Janet S. Tiger We Need More Warning Labels!  Jan. 6, 2015

                  We Need More Warning Labels!
                                         (for the Senior Channel)
                                    ©Janet S. Tiger all rights reserved 2015

           (This is the same guy we have seen in other Senior Channel monologues - Days 9, 22, 79.  Only this time, he comes out on crutches, with a  walker, one arm in a sling, bandages on his fingers, an eyepatch - he's not doing well.)

Hello, fellow seniors.   I think this will be my last talk for the meantime.  I am, as you can see, in less than good shape.  All right, I'm pretty bad.

But I have one final request for all of you, because I cannot carry the flag anymore.....what flag?  The flag of change, the flag of.....protest!

For all you who remember my earlier shows, I have been upset about many things, but now, I have been forced to admit, that perhaps...ooh, this is hard to say....I may have been wrong about.....warning labels.

You heard me, I was wrong.  I admit it!  I never thought that simple items could be so...so....DEADLY!

See this.......

           (He points to his fingers covered in bandaids.)

I was trying to open a glass jar.  I've been opening these glass jars since I was a child!  And my hands are not weak, they are strong, but nothing......nothing...NOTHING!

           (He waves his hands around, indicating how he tried to open the jar)

And then I tried the ......(hisses)  ....devices.  You know, the ones they charge you 9.99 plus shipping, and, then...but wait!  you get two of them, so you can open two jars at once!  With two hands working!  But wait, for just shipping and handling, you get two more to give to your enemies, I mean, your friends.

That's the theory....but they don't work!  So you end up, after thirty minutes, on the floor, with the method your mother used.....upside down, tap gently until the seal breaks, and it opens.....and that (very angry)  DOESN'T WORK ANYMORE BECAUSE THEY PUT IN THE NEW SUPERGLUE FROM THE SPACE STATION!

           (He indicates using more force)

Then you use a tiny bit more force.....

            (Really smashes it down)

And that works......except you have to pick glass out of the damn jam!  (Horrified)  Sorry, but the frustration just gets to me....

           (He holds up his hands)

That accounted for two cuts - from picking up the glass.

Where did the others come from.......this one, here....

          (Indicates his arm)

Is from a can opener, that they have specially designed to leave no sharp edges.  Sounds good, right?  But the cans don't open!  So you have to turn the can upside down so the lid falls off, and you slip and fall on the oil from the tuna fish, and dislocate a shoulder!

And this.....

          (He pulls a container from his pocket)

This is a shampoo bottle - it is a simple thing, with an impossible to open lid.  So, remembering this, I open the lid BEFORE I get into the shower.  I get all wet...

          (He rubs hand over his head, and closes eyes, reaches for shampoo)

And I go to pour the shampoo....and.....

          (He shakes the bottle)


          (He wipes eyes, looks at top, it's open, he gets out of shower, removes top)

And there is a piece of aluminum foil!  On the top!

          (He tries to remove the foil)

Sealed by order of the President and the Knights Templar!

          (Pokes, pulls, no result, then drops bottle, starts hopping)

And that's the truth!

          (He puts the shampoo aside and points to the eyepatch)

But this is my favorite......my kids got me a tablet....no, my vision didn't go from playing Candy Crush for 48 hours straight......and I purchased some earphones so I could listen without anyone knowing.

(Thinks) To be honest, I can sit through the most boring things with this, so it has to be the best invention yet!  So what was the problem?   The earphones, they were wrapped, no, hermetically sealed is the best term! ....in a super plastic they use on the new tanks...a plastic that can resist 22 inch shells and most certainly an old man like me!

I tried to open the package the way they illustrated....

           (He holds up an earphone package.)

You just peel apart the super plastic and...voila!  The earbuds are yours to use.....

           (He tries, nothing opens)

But the package would not open, the plastic broke off in my hands!

          (Holds up a finger with a bandage)

And it turns out plastic is very sharp!

But did that stop me?  NO!  NEVER!

I kept at it, like Sisyphus, but not as strong.......and the parts cracked off in my hands....so I got myself a scissors, and tried cutting the thing open.....

          (He illustrates)

IMPOSSIBLE!  Five hundred dollars in special putty and my plumbing still leaks but this...this never opens!

          (He starts to get very annoyed)

So I yank and pull and finally!  It is open!

          (He jumps back and holds his eye)

But the plastic popped off into my eyelid!

So here's what I want...if they can put warning labels on plastic bags....

          (Pulls a plastic bag out of his pocket)

That tell you not to wrap these around your head.....

Then they can have the same warning on all these packages.....my suggested notice would say......do not use this product in water or in air.....opening this wrapping you may experience some unpleasant side effects....such as abrasions and contusions from rapidly moving extruded plastics....wearing of protective eyewear and body armor is recommended....if you do not follow instructions, the result may be horrible injury to many body parts....possibly even death....so be careful!

           (He turns to hobble off, stops, looks back)

And for best results, use a person under the age of 25!

           (He holds up the crutch and waves it, exits....to fight another day)


Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

No comments: