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Monologue Mania Day # 1546 Handsome Woman by Janet S. Tiger (c) May 11, 2018
First performed by Kymri Wilt for DJ Sullivan's Showcase, Swedenborg Hall, San Diego, 2015
Handsome Woman
©Janet S. Tiger all rights reserved 2015
tigerteam1@gmail.com
(A nice-looking woman in her forties comes onstage with a cell phone, she is upset)
Gwen? Are you there? Something horrible has happened! It is one of the worst days of my life!
(Listens)
(Irritated) No, no one is sick or hurt or missing, you know when awful things happen I call up in tears! Try to pay attention! This is not awful.....it's HORRIBLE!
(Listens)
How can I calm down when....when....a man called me a......a.......(deep breath)....a handsome woman!
(Listens, shakes head)
I know you would think of it as a compliment, but you're sixty-five, not forty-five! Don't you remember what it was like the first time you realized you were.....getting old?
(Tapping foot)
Of course I don't feel old, that's why this is so upsetting! I am only forty-five! ......Okay, forty-six next week, but...(wails)...handsome?
That's why they call older women who have not yet decayed into......'looking good'.....which is even worse than handsome!
(Listens)
I know I have told you are looking good, but that is different! I am another woman, a friend.......handsome is the beginning of the end........of course it's the beginning of the end! Do you ever hear songs like......(singing badly) Handsome Woman, walking down the street? Does anyone want to meet a...handsome WOMAN? My God, even in Jane Austen's time it was an epithet!
(Listens, jumping up and down)
That is even more crap and you know it - (imitates) beauty is on the inside! Of course it isn't on the inside, otherwise the front cover of People would show Kim Kardashian's intestines and not her ass!
(Breathes heavily, listens, sits)
I am sitting. I fear that has not altered my handsomeness.........you have told me this before, Gwen, I know that one day, when I am your age, I will wish I looked like I do today. BUT I AM NOT YOUR AGE! I am still in the illussionary phase of life, still believing all the commercials that beeswax and melon juice and fly spit rubbed on my body will make me feel better and most important.... look younger!
(Listens, looking around)
Okay, I realize the kids are leaving for college, and that has probably affected my viewpoint, but it is still upsetting. Grown children is an indication that you are no longer growing children, like a tree that is no longer bearing fruit.......yes, I suppose that I may, just may be entering menopause soon, possibly later today, and the hormones could be affecting me.....a tiny bit........perhaps......that's what I hate most about you, Gwen, you bring me back to some semblance of reality.......What is reality? That's a good one, I think reality is like...... pornography, you know it when see it......only reality is much uglier....unless of course it's that natural porn with older people on the Internet, now that is frightening....maybe I could sign up.....maybe they could use a (spits it out)....a handsome woman!
(Stands up to exit, stops, looks back)
Who said I was handsome? I don't know his name, dear.... it was in a dream!
(She exits...into firm, or not so firm, middle-age)
(A nice-looking woman in her forties comes onstage with a cell phone, she is upset)
Gwen? Are you there? Something horrible has happened! It is one of the worst days of my life!
(Listens)
(Irritated) No, no one is sick or hurt or missing, you know when awful things happen I call up in tears! Try to pay attention! This is not awful.....it's HORRIBLE!
(Listens)
How can I calm down when....when....a man called me a......a.......(deep breath)....a handsome woman!
(Listens, shakes head)
I know you would think of it as a compliment, but you're sixty-five, not forty-five! Don't you remember what it was like the first time you realized you were.....getting old?
(Tapping foot)
Of course I don't feel old, that's why this is so upsetting! I am only forty-five! ......Okay, forty-six next week, but...(wails)...handsome?
That's why they call older women who have not yet decayed into......'looking good'.....which is even worse than handsome!
(Listens)
I know I have told you are looking good, but that is different! I am another woman, a friend.......handsome is the beginning of the end........of course it's the beginning of the end! Do you ever hear songs like......(singing badly) Handsome Woman, walking down the street? Does anyone want to meet a...handsome WOMAN? My God, even in Jane Austen's time it was an epithet!
(Listens, jumping up and down)
That is even more crap and you know it - (imitates) beauty is on the inside! Of course it isn't on the inside, otherwise the front cover of People would show Kim Kardashian's intestines and not her ass!
(Breathes heavily, listens, sits)
I am sitting. I fear that has not altered my handsomeness.........you have told me this before, Gwen, I know that one day, when I am your age, I will wish I looked like I do today. BUT I AM NOT YOUR AGE! I am still in the illussionary phase of life, still believing all the commercials that beeswax and melon juice and fly spit rubbed on my body will make me feel better and most important.... look younger!
(Listens, looking around)
Okay, I realize the kids are leaving for college, and that has probably affected my viewpoint, but it is still upsetting. Grown children is an indication that you are no longer growing children, like a tree that is no longer bearing fruit.......yes, I suppose that I may, just may be entering menopause soon, possibly later today, and the hormones could be affecting me.....a tiny bit........perhaps......that's what I hate most about you, Gwen, you bring me back to some semblance of reality.......What is reality? That's a good one, I think reality is like...... pornography, you know it when see it......only reality is much uglier....unless of course it's that natural porn with older people on the Internet, now that is frightening....maybe I could sign up.....maybe they could use a (spits it out)....a handsome woman!
(Stands up to exit, stops, looks back)
Who said I was handsome? I don't know his name, dear.... it was in a dream!
(She exits...into firm, or not so firm, middle-age)
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First posted Day# 329 Handsome Woman Jan. 7, 2015----------------------------------------------
* Note: A few words about 'free' - all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty
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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315 CaregiversAnon.org
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
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