Friday, October 24, 2014

Monologue Mania Day # 254 by Janet S. Tiger The Sad Tail of Lord Ratburn Oct. 24, 2014

          Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day
                                                                        - for a whole year!
Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty info.

 If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.
     To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - 
click here.
     For a list of the blurbs from each day,
 click here

Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues -
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this sit
Monologue Mania Day # 254 by Janet S. Tiger  The Sad Tail of Lord Ratburn   Oct. 24, 2014 
                                  The Sad Tail of Lord Ratburn
                             A monologue by Janet S. Tiger   © all rights reserved

                    (A man  comes on stage, dressed in gray.  Very gray.  All gray.  Gray hair, beard too, he  has on perhaps a grey grey suit and grey hat and a very gray tail that he is holding in his hand. He is smoking a cigarette.   He has a veddy British accent.) 

Well hello hello my name is Lord Ratburn...that is correct... Ratburn, not with an 'h' like Rathburn, although I am filled with the grapes of wrath.  (Louder)  Rathburn!  You see, I come from a very long and illustrious line of rats.  My ancestors crawled in the castles of kings and queens!

Now, some people might think that rats are not worthy of living on this earth.

But, I remind you silly humans on this senior channel that there are more of us than there are of you keep an eye open when you sleep at night! that rustling you hear may be one of of my family.  Well, maybe not my descendants.

           (He is very affected now, wipes a tear away)

Why do I cry?  It is simple.  I am here today because I have a sadness on my family.   I am the very last of my line, my other relatives- every last one of them.....(very dramatic) ....DEAD!  Murdered by your delicious treats that are filled with horrible chemicals that make us dehydrate horribly - it is a terrible death!

The only reason I live is because I am for some genetic anomoly, I am immune to your poisons.

I have watched my family decimated, parents, siblings, all my wives!  Yes, I tried to procreate but it seems that the same ability to resist your poison also renders me sadly.....unable to reproduce.... impotent. 

Not that I haven't tried....many times.   To no avail.  It is a blank legacy I leave behind....andI am sure you are all happy to hear this. I am NOT.

But I hereby inform you that I will, to my very last moments on this fair planet  (thinks)  oh, what a fair planet!  But until my last breath I will search up your yummy foods that you keep in your cupboards..... I will sleep in the clothing in your closets..... and  I will poop where ever I please .....maybe even in your drawers!

 And I will say that the death of my family will be avenged because you will never know where I will be seen. I have lived for many years and I will leave behind a legacy of insurrection second only to that of the colonies so many years ago. A regular rat revolution!

              (He indicates the lighter for his cigarette)

You see this?

This is a weapon as well as a warmer.  One of my dear relatives was caught by a horrid little man who thought it would be very amusing to light my uncle's tail on fire and watch him burn alive.  Is it any reason I am cynical?  Angry?  Ready to kill?

And then my uncle, who was a very smart rat, saw his tail was on fire and jumped onto the horrid man, who became very upset, and kicked my uncle onto the grass of the back lawn.

Which was very dry, and my uncle ran through the grass, lighting it afire!  The horrid murderer was also screaming, as his shirt was burning through, so he could not catch my uncle when my uncle ran into the horrid man's house, and proceeded to set the entire place ablaze!

It was a feat of great daring, bravery and wisdom, as my uncle's final act was running up the tailpipe of the man's car.

The explosion finished off the house and garage - and it is a tale told often around many a cheese.

Why do I tell you this?  Because it is time you humans realized that you have been vicious, and hurtful and nasty and not particularly nice to your fellow animals.....and now we want you truly understand that.... you .(says this loudly and clearly)......are...... not alone!

One day we, that is all of us!   All the animals and insects will put aside their differences, and work together, and humans will not have a chance.  Between the ants, and the birds and we rats, combined with the billions of other insects and animals......we are superior!  We just need to take a lesson from your American Natives - we must forget our past of fighting each other, and we must stop eating each other, and focus....on eating all of you!

             (Very loud, very angry)

We will not go quiet into that good night!  We will Rage, rage against the dying and my plight.....this is a rodent's story, full of sound of furry......

 Think about it the next time you put out one of those horrid traps....or the dreaded poison that decimated my entire clan.......

          (He takes his tail grandly and turns to leave, stops, looks back)

We are watching you.....

          (He takes the lighter and goes to light his tail as he exits....end of scene, but not of ....Lord Ratburn's legacy!)


Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

1 comment:

JennyRedbug said...

Funny! I love Lord Ratburn...