Thursday, October 30, 2014

Monologue Mania Day# 260 by Janet S. Tiger No Ketchup! Oct. 30, 2014

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Monologue Mania Day# 260 by Janet S. Tiger  No Ketchup!   Oct. 30, 2014 

                                             No Ketchup!
                             A monologue by Janet S. Tiger   © all rights reserved

            (A much older lady comes onstage - she is in what is politely called 'a rage.'  She is brandishing a cane like a baseball bat.)

Didn't you hear me the first time?  I said no ketchup!  Mebbe I didn't say it loud enough- NO KETCHUP!

             (She waves the cane around as if searching for the culprit)

How many times do I have to tell you idiots in this little box!  They say old folks are deaf, well how come you can't hear me when I say NO KETCHUP!   I may be gettin' old, but I know what I want - and I want......LISTEN CLOSE!  ONE HOT DOG WITH MUSTARD AND NO KETCHUP!

That is the only way to eat a hot dog!  Anything else is like a sacrilege to God, who invented hot dogs himself!  So he should know! 

            (She leans on the cane for a moment to catch her breath)

Whew!   But my Daddy told me, if you wanna do somethin', do it right, and do it right the first time.  And if you don't want somethin', let people know....he was the one who showed me what to put on food - and I never forgot - ketchup is for hamburgers!  Mustard is for hot dogs!  I have lived my life with these standards and I am not stopping today just because I am 87 years old!

           (She gets off the cane and waves it around)

So, listen good!  I do not wanna get my hot dog and bite into it and see ketchup!  Like eatin' blood!   I do not wanna see red or I will see red!  Get me?  

Let me say again to be clear......(builds)  ...No ketchup.....No ketchup.......NO KETCHUP......NO KETCHUP.........NOOOOOOOO!   KEHHHHHHTCHUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Takes a deep breath)  No ketchup.

Thank you.
             (She takes some money from her purse and turns to leave, stops, looks back, shakes her cane)

Don't let them make you eat ketchup if you don't wanna!  Just remember....No ketchup!  No Ketchup!

             (She marches out chanting with her cane held high.  For her, the end of ketchup.....on hot dogs)  


Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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