Friday, April 1, 2016

Monologue Mania Day #779 Many Happy Returns by Janet S. Tiger (c) Apr. 1, 2016

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Monologue Mania Day #779 Many Happy Returns by Janet S. Tiger (c) Apr. 1,  2016 

                                                Many Happy Returns
                                                      A monologue by Janet S. Tiger 
                                                   © 2016 all rights reserved 
         (An older man sits surrounded by an assortment of vaporizers and humidifiers - almost all
 in boxes, but some loose.  They are all different sizes and the man hugs them each)

She wants to take some of these can I do it?  You've become like my family!  My own children don't give me as much pleasure....and certainly not as much warmth!  Ooh, how I love to have you all on at once, coating me with that delicious spray!

         (He gets up and spreads his arms)

And I take off all my clothing - no, I don't tell my daughter that, but I do it!  And it is amazing!  I feel just like Benjamin Franklin must have felt when he had his air baths, only better!  Because this is warm, and all tingly!

Oooh.......why do they want to take them away?  I know there may be just a few too many, but they are each one a gem!  This one......

         (He picks up and kisses a vaporizer)

Is special because it is so small and yet lasts all night!  Which is more than I can say for a lot of things!

And this one.....

       (He points to another)

Was my very first giant!  Look how big it is!  And how powerful!  The spray is almost enough to knock me over!

        (He leans his head, puts his hand to his ear)

Did I hear someone ask a very disturbing question?  Well, I'm not afraid!  The question was a deep philosophical one......what is the difference between a vaporizer and a humidifier?

Well, let me be the one to clarify!

        (Puffs himself up)

I can tell you, with the utmost certainty.....from a man who has dealt with these amazing machines  for decades!  I am happy to share my knowledge.......The fact is....that.....there is absolutely no difference whatsoever!

         (He smiles and pats himself happily)

But I must collect's my plan.....shhh...don't tell anyone!  I have all of these...

      (He pulls papers from his pockets)

It's the receipts!  My daughter likes to festoon my refrigerator with them, but I have them all and I'm getting rid of them so my babies can never be returned!  And that will make me happy - no returns!

       (He takes the receipts and rips them up, shoves them back in pockets, turns to leave, stops, looks back, smiles)

And they say getting old isn't fun!

       (He smiles and leaves.....humidly happy)

Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty info.  

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