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---------------------------------------------------------------------------Note: A few words about 'free' - all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty info.
If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.
To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.
For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
Help a playwright and get more great award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site
Monologue Mania Day # 266 by Janet S. Tiger The Return of Myrna Nov. 5 , 2014
The Return of Myrna
(from Mr. Lemonhead series)
A monologue by Janet S. Tiger © all rights reserved
tigerteam1@gmail.com
(Beth, in her 30s, is onstage, listening to her mother. She has an expression of amazement on her face. Southern accent)
So let me get this right, Momma. Auntie Myrna is talkin' about moving back here, and you are very excited and happy but you are wonderin' why everyone - and that includes me, Daddy, Grandpa, and every single one of your friends - is not at that same happy level as you. Am I right? You do not have a clue? Well, Momma, I think you may wanna check on your glasses, because they may have a distinct ROSE-COLORED tinge!
I mean it, Momma, what the hell are you thinkin'? I mean, I love Auntie Myrna and all, and I truly loved visitin' her in New Yawk, but do you remember what it is like when she visits? The constant arguments, fights - we have had seven years of quiet with her there in New Yawk, punctuated by her blowin' into town like a hurricane!
The woman is dear, but she is also certifiably CRAZY!
(Listens)
All right, you want an example? There are so many it's hard to choose! She hates fruit - will not be in the same room with a cantaloupe, and God help her if there's a pie bein' made....but really crazy? OK.....(Thinks) Don't you remember how much she hates garden gnomes? How she STOLE the Taylors gnome and buried it here in your yard? How after Myrna left, we had to dig up the gnome.....
(She illustrates by tiptoeing around the stage)
.............. sneak out at night and return the damned thing! And what if we'd been caught? How do you think that would have looked to be arrested for....(sputtering) returning a stolen gnome! (Thinking) The whole disappearance did make the front page of the Gazette...remember the headline.....Gnome Returns from Vacation - in Nome, Alaska! ..boy, did they think that was clevah! .....and now everyone is waitin' for the gnome to take another vacation, well, do you want to be the one to head over there at midnight to take that gnome for another trip under our peach tree?
And forget about gnome-y, what about how she treats grandaddy? You are the one takin' care of grandaddy - not her! And you have kept him alive pretty damn well, I think! I know she loves him, but I swear she'll be the death of him yet! She pushes him around like he was an old jalopy! You recall how she got bored at the baseball game and left him sittin' in the sun for three hours while she got her hair done? Only leavin' him with one single Dr. Pepper? How can you forget these issues so quickly?
(She shakes her head sadly, then turns)
And you, what about you Momma?
(She tilts her head, she has hit a nerve)
Don't tell me that you love her - love's got nothing to do with it!
She is always telling you what to do! I mean, she tells everybody to do, of course most normal people ignore but you ....you actually listen to her and it drives you nuts!
So before you say (imitates mother, hands over heart) 'I love Myrna, I am so glad she's comin' back!' I would like you to think about it as much as you give all that attention to that peach pie you just made - you wouldn't take that hot pie outta the oven without mitts, woulja? It would be a stupid thing!
No, Momma, you need to take off those rose colored glasses.....and wake up and smell the roses.....and the manure.
(She turns to leave, stops, looks back)
Because when Auntie Myrna comes, there is always a lot of...manure.
(She exits. End of scene, but not the end of....manure.)
So let me get this right, Momma. Auntie Myrna is talkin' about moving back here, and you are very excited and happy but you are wonderin' why everyone - and that includes me, Daddy, Grandpa, and every single one of your friends - is not at that same happy level as you. Am I right? You do not have a clue? Well, Momma, I think you may wanna check on your glasses, because they may have a distinct ROSE-COLORED tinge!
I mean it, Momma, what the hell are you thinkin'? I mean, I love Auntie Myrna and all, and I truly loved visitin' her in New Yawk, but do you remember what it is like when she visits? The constant arguments, fights - we have had seven years of quiet with her there in New Yawk, punctuated by her blowin' into town like a hurricane!
The woman is dear, but she is also certifiably CRAZY!
(Listens)
All right, you want an example? There are so many it's hard to choose! She hates fruit - will not be in the same room with a cantaloupe, and God help her if there's a pie bein' made....but really crazy? OK.....(Thinks) Don't you remember how much she hates garden gnomes? How she STOLE the Taylors gnome and buried it here in your yard? How after Myrna left, we had to dig up the gnome.....
(She illustrates by tiptoeing around the stage)
.............. sneak out at night and return the damned thing! And what if we'd been caught? How do you think that would have looked to be arrested for....(sputtering) returning a stolen gnome! (Thinking) The whole disappearance did make the front page of the Gazette...remember the headline.....Gnome Returns from Vacation - in Nome, Alaska! ..boy, did they think that was clevah! .....and now everyone is waitin' for the gnome to take another vacation, well, do you want to be the one to head over there at midnight to take that gnome for another trip under our peach tree?
And forget about gnome-y, what about how she treats grandaddy? You are the one takin' care of grandaddy - not her! And you have kept him alive pretty damn well, I think! I know she loves him, but I swear she'll be the death of him yet! She pushes him around like he was an old jalopy! You recall how she got bored at the baseball game and left him sittin' in the sun for three hours while she got her hair done? Only leavin' him with one single Dr. Pepper? How can you forget these issues so quickly?
(She shakes her head sadly, then turns)
And you, what about you Momma?
(She tilts her head, she has hit a nerve)
Don't tell me that you love her - love's got nothing to do with it!
She is always telling you what to do! I mean, she tells everybody to do, of course most normal people ignore but you ....you actually listen to her and it drives you nuts!
So before you say (imitates mother, hands over heart) 'I love Myrna, I am so glad she's comin' back!' I would like you to think about it as much as you give all that attention to that peach pie you just made - you wouldn't take that hot pie outta the oven without mitts, woulja? It would be a stupid thing!
No, Momma, you need to take off those rose colored glasses.....and wake up and smell the roses.....and the manure.
(She turns to leave, stops, looks back)
Because when Auntie Myrna comes, there is always a lot of...manure.
(She exits. End of scene, but not the end of....manure.)
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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
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