Saturday, September 17, 2016

Monologue Mania Day # 948 by Janet S. Tiger It's a Gas (for Ben) Sept. 17, 2014

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Monologue Mania Day # 948 by Janet S. Tiger   It's a Gas Sept. 17, 2014

For other monologues from this play, please see Days # 7, 142, 153, 189, 755, 936 and today's 948

                                    It's A Gas 
                                                        (for Ben)
                                         A monologue by Janet S. Tiger 
                                          Aug. 2014  © all rights reserved

            (Ben Franklin comes onstage.  He is holding a scroll, which he holds up and unrolls)

My dear friend Joseph, Joseph Priestly to all of you here,.......Joseph suggested I include this piece, as audiences today would enjoy the subject even more than those of my original era.

So, without further introduction.......

(reading)  A Letter To A Royal Academy
proposing that heretoforth, research and practical reasoning be undertaken into methods of improving the odor .........of human flatulence.

 I have perused your late mathematical Prize Question, proposed in lieu of one in Natural Philosophy, for the ensuing year...Permit me then humbly to propose one of that sort for your consideration, and through you, if you approve it, for the serious Enquiry of learned Physicians, Chemists, &c. of this enlightened Age. It is universally well known, that in digesting our common food, there is created or produced in the bowels of human creatures, a great quantity of wind.

         (He stops reading)

From my experience with today's audiences, I can see nothing has changed since the day I wrote this!

         (He continues to read)

That the permitting this air to escape and mix with the atmosphere, is usually offensive to the company, from the fetid smell that accompanies it. That all well-bred people therefore, to avoid giving such offence, forcibly restrain the efforts of nature to discharge that wind.
.....This will also address the way different foods affect the odor of flatulence and to propose scientific testing of farting.

We scientists need to work diligently to develop a drug, "holesome and not disagreeable", which can be mixed with "common Food or Sauces" with the effect of rendering flatulence "not only inoffensive, but agreeable as Perfumes".

Of course, compared to the practical applications of this discussion, other sciences are "scarcely worth a FART-HING."

          (He rolls up the scroll)

Of course, the joke about the 'farthing' where I separated the 'fart' from the 'hing' is lost in the reading, but not in the concept!  Today's sciences have the same issues we had many years ago - and I fear that throughout the ages, as human beings retain their traits - good and bad - not much will change.

Therefore, I pray for us all to work together, to remove not only the smells of our own bowels, but the smells of the bowels of Congress........

          (He leans his head back and roars, lights down as large flatulent noises are heard mixed with the voices of legislators.)


Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315      
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty 
Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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