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Monologue Mania Day # 159 by Janet S. Tiger Nuckin Futz July 21, 2014
Monologue Mania Day # 159 by Janet S. Tiger Nuckin Futz July 21, 2014
Parental alert - some possible off-color
Nuckin Futz
Nuckin Futz
A monologue by Janet S. Tiger © all rights reserved
tigerteam1@gmail.com
(An actor comes onstage - he is walking quietly, deep in thought. Leaves stick out of his clothing and his face is painted to look like a flower. He is serene.)
I .....am a flower....
(He lifts his up his arms)
My face is warmed by the sun.....
(He twirls)
And I give my love to you all...
(He smiles, but then his smile becomes....strange. His teeth are clenched. He pulls the leaves from his clothing, starting to laugh)
I am NOT A FLOWER! I AM A MAN!
I am more....I am an actor!
And I refuse to do these silly monologues! I hate them! I am not Hamlet! I am not a cat! I am ME!
And I want the damned part!
(He takes out a handkerchief and spits on it, removes some of the paint from his face.)
I HATE MAKE-UP! I want a part where I am a human being! I am sick of improvisation and Shakespeare and Pinter! I want to be me! I want this part!
(He comes to the audience)
And I want it NOW!
(He drops to his knees)
PUHLEESE!
(Starts to get a little wild, puts hands to eyes)
I see you out there, you casting directors, you! You want me to be able to do anything you want! Well, I can! I can do dogs and I can be a washing machine and a cow and a devil and whatever you want - just....
give me the damned part!
(Looks to the side)
Stay away from me!
(Runs to the other side of the stage)
You can't make me get off the stage! I must be here! I am not crazy! I am not.....
(He turns as if talking to himself)
Methinks the nutcase is protesting too much! Out, out damned crazy one!
(He tries to pull away, but something has him, and is pulling him offstage.)
No! I'm not finished! LET ME FINISH! YOU ARE ALL DRIVING ME NUCKIN FUTZ!
(Starts to laugh wildly)
That's what I am - nuckin futz.....I have finally cracked......twenty-two years of auditioning without getting ONE DAMNED PART! What the hell do you expect?
(He stops resisting, is slowly dragged offstage, falling to his knees and trying to hold onto the floor.)
HELP ME! PLEASE HELP A FELLOW ACTOR! JUST ONE PART, ONE TINY LINE......I PROMISE....I'LL BE GOOD!......
(As he is disappearing, we hear him)
Oh, no, I'm melting........
(He listens, jumps to his feet and then in the air waving hands)
I got it! I got the part! And....the Oscar! Oh, thank you to the Academy.....
(He is pulled off completely, but.....after more therapy, he'll be back!!)
(An actor comes onstage - he is walking quietly, deep in thought. Leaves stick out of his clothing and his face is painted to look like a flower. He is serene.)
I .....am a flower....
(He lifts his up his arms)
My face is warmed by the sun.....
(He twirls)
And I give my love to you all...
(He smiles, but then his smile becomes....strange. His teeth are clenched. He pulls the leaves from his clothing, starting to laugh)
I am NOT A FLOWER! I AM A MAN!
I am more....I am an actor!
And I refuse to do these silly monologues! I hate them! I am not Hamlet! I am not a cat! I am ME!
And I want the damned part!
(He takes out a handkerchief and spits on it, removes some of the paint from his face.)
I HATE MAKE-UP! I want a part where I am a human being! I am sick of improvisation and Shakespeare and Pinter! I want to be me! I want this part!
(He comes to the audience)
And I want it NOW!
(He drops to his knees)
PUHLEESE!
(Starts to get a little wild, puts hands to eyes)
I see you out there, you casting directors, you! You want me to be able to do anything you want! Well, I can! I can do dogs and I can be a washing machine and a cow and a devil and whatever you want - just....
give me the damned part!
(Looks to the side)
Stay away from me!
(Runs to the other side of the stage)
You can't make me get off the stage! I must be here! I am not crazy! I am not.....
(He turns as if talking to himself)
Methinks the nutcase is protesting too much! Out, out damned crazy one!
(He tries to pull away, but something has him, and is pulling him offstage.)
No! I'm not finished! LET ME FINISH! YOU ARE ALL DRIVING ME NUCKIN FUTZ!
(Starts to laugh wildly)
That's what I am - nuckin futz.....I have finally cracked......twenty-two years of auditioning without getting ONE DAMNED PART! What the hell do you expect?
(He stops resisting, is slowly dragged offstage, falling to his knees and trying to hold onto the floor.)
HELP ME! PLEASE HELP A FELLOW ACTOR! JUST ONE PART, ONE TINY LINE......I PROMISE....I'LL BE GOOD!......
(As he is disappearing, we hear him)
Oh, no, I'm melting........
(He listens, jumps to his feet and then in the air waving hands)
I got it! I got the part! And....the Oscar! Oh, thank you to the Academy.....
(He is pulled off completely, but.....after more therapy, he'll be back!!)
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To all my actor friends -thank you...and don't give up!
Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
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