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Monologue Mania Day # 157 by Janet S. Tiger Funeral Plans July 19, 2014
Monologue Mania Day # 157 by Janet S. Tiger Funeral Plans July 19, 2014
Funeral Plans
A monologue by Janet S. Tiger ©
all rights reserved
tigerteam1@gmail.com
(An older woman marches onstage. She halts suddenly and stares into the crowd.)
Right now I am preparing a list of people who will not be allowed at my funeral. At this moment, you are not on the list, but if you annoy me now with silly questions, I will add you, and you will have to say goodbye to me from outside the funeral home, along with the others who have irritated me over the years.
(Listens)
How will I keep them out? (Laughs) Haven't you ever heard of a bouncer? I plan to have the best of the best for the last of my last rites! And of course there will be a list, and those who wish to see me lying in state will have to have an official ID, like a passport, or at the very least, a driver's license.
I am planning a very big party following the viewing, so it will be worth your while to be nice to me for these next few months - the food will be incredible! I'm having the whole thing catered by Antonio Pippistrini, his canoli are truly to die for!.....and for those who are now doing that ridiculous dairy-free, gluten-free routine, I will serve mowed grass on lightly toasted cardboard!
(Listens, then snorts)
Of course she will not be invited! I am proud to say that I have contributed not one dime to her charity. She is cheap! She never wears a handbag so that she never has to pay a dime for anything!
(Listens, shoulders slump)
Oh, no......
(She swallows hard, then gets control)
I can't believe she would do that to me! How DARE she die first! Now it will look as if I was just copying her!
(More calm)
When did it happen? Oh....and I just saw her last week. We had SUCH a nice talk......that's probably when she stole all my ideas for dying now!
Well! I suppose I am just going to have to live a bit longer, that's all. I don't know how that will be possible, but I will have to force myself. And, perhaps, I can go on a trip and find some new doctors. Some that will actually listen to me and give me some new, useful medicine.
You have been lovely to listen to all this, my dear. And when I do go, you may give the eulogy.
(Listens)
Well, it is NO trouble at all! You just keep your eyes peeled in the obituaries, if not soon, then in a few months. And I promise, it will be a send-off that you will remember, well, until YOU die! I plan to have half of my ashes mixed with glitter glue, dispersed over the crowd using a hot-air balloon! That way everyone will have a little bit of me touching them, forever. And for the leftovers, they will be released from an airplane in the jetstream, with a camera following as they circle the earth for days, possibly forever.
It is a fitting end, I think. For there is no end to true beauty and genius......and speaking of beauty....
(She peers into the audience)
And you, my dear, please do take better care of yourself....of course I care! You are my friend! I am very concerned....why if you died tomorrow, you would not be leaving a very attractive corpse, and I fear that the papers would not be attending your funeral. And what a waste that would be!
(Looks again, more closely)
Are you crying? Oh, dear, please don't cry on my behalf, I might surprise everyone and live a bit longer......
(She turns to go, stops and looks back)
But at least I know that my end will be perfectly planned...... it's so nice to have a good end.....
(She exits, not a good end, but maybe better than some)
(An older woman marches onstage. She halts suddenly and stares into the crowd.)
Right now I am preparing a list of people who will not be allowed at my funeral. At this moment, you are not on the list, but if you annoy me now with silly questions, I will add you, and you will have to say goodbye to me from outside the funeral home, along with the others who have irritated me over the years.
(Listens)
How will I keep them out? (Laughs) Haven't you ever heard of a bouncer? I plan to have the best of the best for the last of my last rites! And of course there will be a list, and those who wish to see me lying in state will have to have an official ID, like a passport, or at the very least, a driver's license.
I am planning a very big party following the viewing, so it will be worth your while to be nice to me for these next few months - the food will be incredible! I'm having the whole thing catered by Antonio Pippistrini, his canoli are truly to die for!.....and for those who are now doing that ridiculous dairy-free, gluten-free routine, I will serve mowed grass on lightly toasted cardboard!
(Listens, then snorts)
Of course she will not be invited! I am proud to say that I have contributed not one dime to her charity. She is cheap! She never wears a handbag so that she never has to pay a dime for anything!
(Listens, shoulders slump)
Oh, no......
(She swallows hard, then gets control)
I can't believe she would do that to me! How DARE she die first! Now it will look as if I was just copying her!
(More calm)
When did it happen? Oh....and I just saw her last week. We had SUCH a nice talk......that's probably when she stole all my ideas for dying now!
Well! I suppose I am just going to have to live a bit longer, that's all. I don't know how that will be possible, but I will have to force myself. And, perhaps, I can go on a trip and find some new doctors. Some that will actually listen to me and give me some new, useful medicine.
You have been lovely to listen to all this, my dear. And when I do go, you may give the eulogy.
(Listens)
Well, it is NO trouble at all! You just keep your eyes peeled in the obituaries, if not soon, then in a few months. And I promise, it will be a send-off that you will remember, well, until YOU die! I plan to have half of my ashes mixed with glitter glue, dispersed over the crowd using a hot-air balloon! That way everyone will have a little bit of me touching them, forever. And for the leftovers, they will be released from an airplane in the jetstream, with a camera following as they circle the earth for days, possibly forever.
It is a fitting end, I think. For there is no end to true beauty and genius......and speaking of beauty....
(She peers into the audience)
And you, my dear, please do take better care of yourself....of course I care! You are my friend! I am very concerned....why if you died tomorrow, you would not be leaving a very attractive corpse, and I fear that the papers would not be attending your funeral. And what a waste that would be!
(Looks again, more closely)
Are you crying? Oh, dear, please don't cry on my behalf, I might surprise everyone and live a bit longer......
(She turns to go, stops and looks back)
But at least I know that my end will be perfectly planned...... it's so nice to have a good end.....
(She exits, not a good end, but maybe better than some)
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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
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