Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Monologue Mania Day #126 by Janet S. Tiger A Stroke of Luck (c) June 18, 2014

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Monologue Mania Day #126   by Janet S. Tiger  A Stroke of Luck   (c) June 18, 2014           
                                     A Stroke of Luck
                                                     by Janet S. Tiger
                                       (c) June 17, 2014 all rights reserved

                  (A woman comes onstage, wearing loose clothing with lots of pockets.  She is walking       almost normally, it is only if you really pay attention that you can see one leg drags a little and the arm on that side doesn’t swing as much.  She is a bit grumpy.)

Stroke of luck, huh?  Talk about an oxymoron! 

                  (She holds up an arm.  It is fine, holding tall.)

Pretty good, right? 

                  (The arm starts to drift down.)

I’m not telling it to come down, it’s doing that all by itself.  Like it has, I dunno, I mind of its own.

                  (A phone rings.  She reaches frantically in her pockets for it, going a tiny bit berserk during the search.)

A simple thing like a phone!  You’d think by now I could find the phone….

                  (She finally retrieves it and starts poking at the buttons.  The ringing stops.)

Hello?  Hello?  Did I get to you in time?  Are you there?  Did I hang up on you?

                   (She shakes her head and screams.  The phone rings again during her scream.)

Is that me or the Memorex? 

                    (Listens, puts it to her ear – yes, the phone is ringing.)

I hear ringing sometimes when it doesn’t ring….but now….which button do I push?

                    (Once again, she pushes repeatedly at buttons.  Phone finally stops.  She starts shaking – is it laughter or tears?  She can’t tell either.)

It’s like I’m in some old vaudeville routine!  And I’m Lucy…but there’s no candy and there’s no Ricky…and there’s sure no money!

Now the question is – do I wait until it rings again, or do I put it away?   Did they give up?  Or they now trying again and as soon as I put it back in my pocket, it will go off, like a time bomb, driving me even more crazy than I am already! 
Or – are they calling the nurse’s station, which will get a nurse in here to check on me and if I have lost the phone again, and if I don’t remember how to use the phone, maybe I’m not getting better and they’ll kick me out sooner!

I can’t win!  It’s like a whack-a-mole game – you know the kind (she illustrates) where you have a hammer and you whack the mole when it pops up.  Except the mole keeps popping up in different places.  This is a fun game when you have the hammer – and you are five years old.  When you’re 75 and you are the mole…not so funny.

Funny thing is, I used to love scary movies.  Now, I’m the scary movie.  I’m afraid to stay here because I’m going crazy here – (more serious) but I’m afraid to go home because…well, that’s where I had the stroke. 

Two weeks ago.  New Year’s Day.  We had stayed up late for the first time in ten years. I don’t even remember falling.  (thinks)  What a way to start the year! 

But would you believe it?   Something amazing happened right after we left for the hospital.  (She illustrates this.)  A giant meteor came down and flattened our house!  We missed it just in the nick of time!  (She waits for a reaction.)  I didn’t think you’d believe it.
(While she’s saying the next, she puts the phone slowly in one of her pockets.)
Now that would have been a stroke of luck.  Well, maybe not, all our stuff would have been gone.  So, I guess I just have to learn to live with it.  My grandmother always said there’d be days like this….or is that a song?

                   (She removes her hand from the pocket, just as…the phone rings.  She looks like she’s going to explode, then takes a deep breath, reaches in her pocket and pulls out the phone.  It stops ringing – she looks at it, throws it across the room.  Turns back and looks at the audience, then smiles)

Wrong number.

                   (She laughs and leaves.)

The end - but never for stroke victims.


Janet S. Tiger    858-274-9678
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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