Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Monologue Mania Day #125 by Janet S. Tiger The Taming of the Hoarder (c) June 17, 2014

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Monologue Mania Day #125   by Janet S. Tiger     (c) June 17, 2014           
                              The Taming of the Hoarder
                                                     by Janet S. Tiger
                                       (c) June 17, 2014 all rights reserved

(from a one-act of the same name)

                       (Jessie is a Southern woman with her hands on her hips.  She is listening, but we know, from where her hands are placed, that the response is not going to be quiet.  She is restless, waiting to respond.)

Are you quite finished, my dear friend?  Good.  Now I will tell you what you do not want to hear.

Are you ready, because, as your oldest friend......let me re-phrase that....as the friend you have had longer than all those new Hollywood pals....a friend who will give you something worth more than all the money you have earned over these last ten years.  All of which is rightfully yours, I agree, but which does not, and never will, give you the right......(shouting)....to talk to me in that tone of voice!

                         (She waves her hands at an interruption)

Do not even attempt to stop me now!  I am on a roll like the midnight train comin through and you better just stand back and watch me go!

I have been so very happy that you are a BIG, FANCY SUCCESS!  And you know it, too, and not just because you flew me out to Hollywood for the openin of the movie made off of your best-selling book - which used me, your best friend, as the lead character and for which I did not ask one cent of remuneration in appreciation for all the lines you stole from me over these many years!

And now, to add insult to injury, you do not want me to sell all the items that I helped you pack up when you moved, and stored for you - EVEN THOUGH YOU TOLD ME TO.....(quieter)...and I am quotin you exactly here......THROW ALL THAT DAMNED SHIT OUT!

So assumin that I had thrown it out, which I did not, because it was all your stuff and I couldn't bear to see you leave it behind because your Daddy sold the farm right out from under you and you had to run to (says it with disgust) HOllywood to earn your living......no, I SAVED YOUR SHIT - with not a peep of 'thank you, Jessie,' or 'that was awfully sweet, Jessie'....no, all I heard from you over these last ten years was......(imitates friend)......'Do you still have all that crap?  Didn't I tell you to throw it out?  For God's sakes, Jessie, what the hell is wrong with you - are you now one of those hoarders like I see on TV?'

Well, since you considered it crap, and you wanted it gone, I do not see why you are so upset when I earned a teeny extra bit of money by selling it....due to the fact you are famous now and all.  What is the big F-ing deal?

I only got ten dollars for that silly nightlight you had next to your bed - you know, the one that said...'Sleep Tight Light'.......and had a skunk with a bottle of booze on it, to imply you were sleeping because you were drunk as a skunk......and it took me an hour to pack it because it was such a weird shape....so it's not like I am getting rich off all your old junk!

Some of us are destined.....you might write it as 'doomed' to remain in this two horse town, but at least give us the chance to make an extra buck on ebay!

So if you want your crap back, all the stuff you didn't want, then you can just take my draggin ass to court and sue me for it!

   (She turns to go, stops, smiles, looks back)

 But if you wanna go see the movie at the Pickle Theater, I'll see you later....

         (Exits, end of scene)

Today's monologue is for my dear friends who helped me pack and move - and are still storing some of my things!  And Kam, you are amazing and I thank you - hope you perform this and it gets you a great part!
Janet S. Tiger    858-274-9678
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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