Friday, July 22, 2016

Monologue Mania Day #891 Call Now! (revised) by Janet S. Tiger (c) July 22, 2016

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Monologue Mania Day #891 Call Now! (revised) by Janet S. Tiger (c) July 22,  2016
First posted Day #13 Call Now! (c) June 23, 2014     

                                                   Call Now!
                                                     by Janet S. Tiger
                                       (c) June 22, 2014 all rights reserved

         (The spokesperson runs onstage, wearing a giant nose.  He waves at the audience)

I am a non-attorney spokesperson for the drug pinochioxidol, which has been shown to cause increased nasal development after prevarication!

If you, a friend or a member of your family has ever used the drug pinochioxidol for ANY REASON whatsoever, you may be at risk!

This is a picture of me....before pinochioxidol......

          (Holds up photo of normal face)

And look at me now!

           (He sticks out his nose)

I used pinochioxidol for a year to help with nasal blockage.....and it barely worked, but the side effects have been horrific!  First I noticed that, after my divorce, when I started dating.... my nose had increased in size.........but then, right in front of the judge in my divorce case, my nose popped out about two inches!  Just because I underestimated my net worth by a few dollars......

          (He grabs his nose)

Stop that!  All right!  I underestimated by a lot, but the thought that others will be afflicted by this horrific side effect has caused me to become a spokesperson for the class action suit against the manufacturer - GepettoMed - an Italian company with no morals whatsoever!

If you have ever taken this drug, CALL NOW!  to the number on your will be directed to the nearest attorney handling the case.....and you will be given the name of one of our discount plastic surgeons for the....uh......resulting disfigurement.

           (He now removes most of his nose)

This is what they took off in the first surgery!  And this is what they can do for you right away if you CALL NOW!  

And if you hurry, a special price will be given for the follow-up surgeries the, is only temporarily useful if you continue to issue prevarications, untruths or falsehoods.

Pinochioxidol - it should never have been used on humans, but since it was, and every one knows humans don't always....tell the entire deserve remuneration for your suffering and disfigurement.

CALL NOW!   This look may have worked for Jimmy Durante….or Cyrano de Bergerac…..but it is not in style now!  Don't wait until woodpeckers are inviting you home for dinner! Don't wait until your nose is dragging on the ground! Don't wait until everyone is asking you embarrassing questions to watch as your proboscis enlarges!  CALL NOW!

             (He takes his nose and  puts it in his pocket, which makes him smile and he looks back at the audience.)

And if you would like to buy some pinochioxidol for your family and find out the truth about anything…….this is the number.....

            (He points to the screen)

And if you call now, you get twice as much for the price of one!  With no hidden costs!

             (He grabs his nose)

Oops, well, maybe a little hidden cost......

And I almost forgot, the most important warning - if your nose gets very hard and sticks out for more than four hours, see a doctor immediately....and tell him the truth!

             (He exits, shielding his face.  Never the end of these horrid commercials!)  

Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty info.