first year - Feb. 13, 2014 - Feb. 12, 2015 second year - Feb. 13, 2015 - Feb. 12, 2016 third year - Feb. 13, 2016 - today! *********
I've continued with a monologue a day until the spirit moves me to stop, so if you have any ideas for a monologue you want me to write, please let me know at tigerteam1@gmail.com.
I've continued with a monologue a day until the spirit moves me to stop, so if you have any ideas for a monologue you want me to write, please let me know at tigerteam1@gmail.com.
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The Newest Oldest -Emiline's monologue
A monologue by Janet S. Tiger
© all rights reserved 2014 tigerteam1@gmail.com
(One very old Southern woman, Emiline, is very annoyed)
I am Emiline Van Donaldson! I sent you a letter!
You are the oldest woman and I am the second oldest woman in this country!
and.....I am here to kill you!
I wrote everything in the letter!
I have a copy, I'll read it to you!
(She opens her large purse and removes a gun, puts in on the table and then fishes around and finds a letter, which she opens)
Dear Mrs. Devinia Tanner.....
This will introduce me as the 2nd oldest person in this country, and your nemesis....
(Listens, gets irritated)
NEMESIS....not ENEMAS! I am your nemesis because I am sick and tired of being number two! I am hereby giving you notice that on the ninth of July of this year, at 3pm, I will be coming to your home where I plan to kill you.
Warmest regards....
etc, etc.
(Listens shakes head)
I thought I did explain why! After Mabel Cartwright's death one month shy of 114, YOU became the oldest! You are the top of the old lady heap! And I can't wait for you to kick off so I decided to take things into my own papery, veiny, wrinkly hands! My whole life I have been in second place! I was the second born.....in school, I missed being Valedictorian by 2 points! Second place! I entered contest after contest....runner-up! Honorable Mention! Almost! Close! But never the first place! Never! Do you know how that feels?
Whereas you...... you were always top of your class! I had my great grandson look you up! You were Miss TwinkleToes in the Ballet Competition .....when you were eight years old! You won first place in some riding contest, and one year....you were even Miss County Fair!
Even now, when you are so old that we might as well be dead, you are the oldest! You are the one they come to interview! You are the one who's on the news! YOU! Do you understand? I want to be YOU!
Even now, when you are so old that we might as well be dead, you are the oldest! You are the one they come to interview! You are the one who's on the news! YOU! Do you understand? I want to be YOU!
(She listens, goes to the gun and tries to lift it)
(Sighs) I could barely carry this in my purse, so I guess....no....I don't really want to kill you.....but I figured, if I did kill you, what happens? Even more publicity! Talk about fame! (very excited) I might even get on….The View!
(She turns to leave, stops, looks back, smiles)
And if I had killed you….....how would they take me to trial - I mean where would they find a jury of our peers?
(She laughs. Lights dim to blackout. Not really the end!)
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Original post -
Monologue Mania Day #878 The Newest Oldest by Janet S. Tiger (c) July 9, 2016
The Newest Oldest
A one-act by Janet S. Tiger
© all rights reserved 2014 tigerteam1@gmail.com
Two characters - both very old
Devinia - Southern accent
Emiline - not a Southern accent
Setting - a living room
Time - Very now
(One very old Southern woman, Devinia, is sitting reading a newspaper when she hears the doorbell. She closes the newspaper slowly, then she rises slowly, and gets to the door to open it and another very old woman walks in, carrying a large purse. This is Emiline.)
DEVINIA (Heavy Southern accent)- Who the hell are you?
EMILINE - You know who I am, I'm the number 2!
DEVINIA - What?
EMILINE - (Louder) The number 2!
(Devinia points to another room)
DEVINIA - Bathroom's over there....
EMILINE - I am Emiline Van Donaldson! I sent you a letter!
DEVINIA - What?
EMILINE - You are the oldest woman and I am the second oldest woman in this country!
DEVINIA - You want a picture or something, I forgot....
EMILINE - I don't want a picture.....I am here to kill you!
DEVINIA - What?
EMILINE - Kill you! I am going to KILL YOU?
DEVINIA - WHAT?
(She point to an ear)
DEVINIA - I've got a hearing aid in this ear...
EMILINE - I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU!
DEVINIA - (Smiling) Oh, that's nice!
(Emiline is amazed)
EMILINE - Are you insane or just advanced dementia? I just said I'm going to MURDER YOU!
DEVINIA - (Smiling) Everyone could use a little mothering, my own mother died about ....I think it's 100 years ago, when I was young.....left me to take care of all the others.....so a little mothering would be nice....
EMILINE - Are you crazy? I have no intention of MOTHERING you, I want you out of the way!
DEVINIA - Out of the way? Sure....
(She steps aside)
DEVINIA - Sit wherever you like....did you have a good trip? Did you come from far away?
EMILINE - I wrote everything in the letter! Did you read it? Did you have anyone read it to you?
DEVINIA - (Getting a little annoyed) I can read to myself! Been reading since I was in first grade! Of course I read your letter! I just can't remember what it said!
EMILINE - I have a copy, I'll read it to you!
(She opens her large purse and removes a gun, puts in on the table and then fishes around and finds a letter, which she opens)
EMILINE - Dear Mrs. Devinia Tanner.....
DEVINIA - (Happy) Well, that is me!
EMILINE - Please do not interrupt! Now I have to start again....
DEVINIA - I had a brother like that.....he was 97 when he died...just a baby.....
EMILINE - Dear Mrs. Devinia Tanner....
This will introduce me as the 2nd oldest person in this country, and your nemesis....
DEVINIA - Oh, I had a few of those, very unpleasant.....
EMILINE - NEMESIS....not ENEMAS! I am your nemesis because I am sick and tired of being number two! I am hereby giving you notice that on the ninth of July of this year, at 3pm, I will be coming to your home where I plan to kill you.
Warmest regards....
etc, etc.
DEVINIA - Let me get this straight.....you want to kill me?
EMILINE - Not want.....am going to....
DEVINIA - Not to change the subject, but....how did you get here?
EMILINE - I called Uber...
DEVINIA - I thought you had to use a computer or one of those newfangled phones.....
EMILINE - No, there's a phone number.
DEVINIA - That's good to know because I haven't driven in ten years now, and I sure hate being dependent on my grandchildren!
EMILINE - Same here.....it wasn't that expensive considering it was 250 miles....but you're distracting me! Please don't do that! I get very easily
distracted.....
DEVINIA - I completely understand, especially after a long trip, and having to go to the bathroom.....
EMILINE - I told you I don't have to go! We stopped for lunch at McDonald's in Candleburg.....nice bathroom, by the way...
DEVINIA - If you don't have to go, why did you ask? And if you want to kill me, you can at least explain...why?
EMILINE - I thought I did! My whole life I have been in second place! I was the second born.....in school, I missed being Valedictorian by 2 points! Second place! I entered contest after contest....runner-up! Honorable Mention! Almost! Close! But never the first place! Never! Do you know how that feels?
DEVINIA - I never thought about it much....it never mattered.....
EMILINE - Of course it didn't matter....because you were always top of your class! I had my great grandson look you up! You were Miss TwinkleToes in the Ballet Competition when you were eight years old! You won first place in some riding competition, and even now, when you are so old that we might as well be dead, you are the oldest! You are the one they come to interview! You are the one who's on the news! YOU! Do you understand? I want to be YOU!
DEVINIA - That I heard.....you want to be...me! Now that's a hoot! You want to be unable to hear 50% of anything spoken - in person, on TV, on the phone....it's a mystery game that I play minute to minute! I have arthritis and just went through pneumonia and gout and you want to be me! I just lost the newest of my old friends - people in their 80s! I have to make new friends just to have any! Me! You have to be nuts to wanna be me!
(The two look at each other and laugh)
DEVINIA - But...if that's what you want.....
(She takes her purse and removes the wallet hands it to Emiline)
DEVINIA - Now you give me your wallet and we can switch places......I think killing me would be very messy and I hate mess!
EMILINE - What is this?
DEVINIA - It's my ID - if you give me yours, and pay for the Uber for me to go back to your home, then I'll just be going....
(Emiline stare at her, and Devinia smiles, points at the ID)
DEVINIA- I think it's a much better idea than killing......this way, you can have those silly interviews all month....especially near my birthday! They drive me nuts! (Imitates reporter) 'What's your secret for living so long?' (As herself) 'Keep breathing!'
EMILINE - Are you suggesting we.....
DEVNIA- Switch places.....I thought it was your idea!
EMILINE - (Thinking) Maybe it is......Wait a minute....what if we forget something.....actually, I can't forget since I don't know very much about you other than all your firsts!
DEVINIA - (Laughs) Who needs to remember anything? After 100 it's easy, but after 110, well, it's a free ride! They're happy if I remember what day it is!
EMILINE - Very true....sad, but true.....but we are different people! What if someone notices the difference?
DEVINIA - Are you kidding? No one remembers what old people look like! Look at our IDs!
(They compare and nod)
EMILINE - You're right.....sad, but true.....We all look the same!
DEVINIA - So,as they say...... are we good to go?
EMILINE - I am!
(Emiline hesitates then hugs Devinia, who is now very excitied)
DEVINIA - I am, too ! But first, I think I will use the little girl's room....
EMILINE - Good idea...it's a long trip....
DEVINIA - I thought you said it was only 250 miles....
EMILINE - At our age, going to the doctor is a long trip!
(They giggle as the lights start to dim)
DEVINIA - Were you really gonna shoot me?
(Emiline lifts the pistol with difficulty)
EMILINE - I could barely carry this in my purse, so I guess....no....but I figured, if I did kill you, what happens? Even more publicity! Talk about fame!
DEVINIA – (Impressed) You might even get on….The View!
EMILINE - (In awe) The View! And I thought of something else….....how would they take me to trial - I mean where would they find a jury of our peers?
(The two laugh)
DEVINIA - And if they convicted you, what could happen to you?..
DEVINIA/EMILINE (Together) ..Sentenced to life!
(Lights dim to blackout. Not really the end!)
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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315
JanetSTigerMonologueMania.blogspot.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
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