first year - Feb. 13, 2014 - Feb. 12, 2015 second year - Feb. 13, 2015 - Feb. 12, 2016 third year - Feb. 13, 2016 - today! *********
I've continued with a monologue a day until the spirit moves me to stop, so if you have any ideas for a monologue you want me to write, please let me know at tigerteam1@gmail.com.
I've continued with a monologue a day until the spirit moves me to stop, so if you have any ideas for a monologue you want me to write, please let me know at tigerteam1@gmail.com.
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The Newest Oldest
A one-act by Janet S. Tiger
© all rights reserved 2014 tigerteam1@gmail.com
Two characters - both very old
Devinia - Southern accent
Emiline - not a Southern accent
Setting - a living room
Time - Very now
(One
very old Southern woman, Devinia, is sitting reading a newspaper when she hears
the doorbell. She closes the newspaper slowly, then she rises slowly, and
gets to the door to open it and another very old woman walks in, carrying a
large purse. This is Emiline.)
DEVINIA (Heavy
Southern accent)- Who the hell are you?
EMILINE - You
know who I am, I'm the number 2!
DEVINIA - What?
EMILINE -
(Louder) The number 2!
(Devinia points to another room)
DEVINIA -
Bathroom's over there....
EMILINE - I am
Emiline Van Donaldson! I sent you a letter!
DEVINIA - What?
EMILINE - You
are the oldest woman and I am the second oldest woman in this country!
DEVINIA - You
want a picture or something, I forgot....
EMILINE - I
don't want a picture.....I am here to kill you!
DEVINIA - What?
EMILINE - Kill
you! I am going to KILL YOU?
DEVINIA - WHAT?
(She point to an ear)
DEVINIA - I've
got a hearing aid in this ear...
EMILINE - I'M
GOING TO MURDER YOU!
DEVINIA - (Smiling)
Oh, that's nice!
(Emiline is amazed)
EMILINE - Are
you insane or just advanced dementia? I just said I'm going to MURDER YOU!
DEVINIA - (Smiling)
Everyone could use a little mothering, my own mother died about ....I think it's 100 years ago, when I was
young.....left me to take care of all the others.....so a little mothering would be nice....
EMILINE - Are
you crazy? I have no intention of MOTHERING you, I want you out of the way!
DEVINIA - Out of
the way? Sure....
(She steps aside)
DEVINIA - Sit
wherever you like....did you have a good trip? Did you come from far
away?
EMILINE - I
wrote everything in the letter! Did you read it? Did you have anyone
read it to you?
DEVINIA -
(Getting a little annoyed) I can read to myself! Been reading
since I was in first grade! Of
course I read your letter! I just can't remember what it said!
EMILINE - I have
a copy, I'll read it to you!
(She opens her large purse and removes a gun, puts in on the table
and then fishes around and
finds a letter, which she opens)
EMILINE - Dear
Mrs. Devinia Tanner.....
DEVINIA -
(Happy) Well, that is me!
EMILINE - Please
do not interrupt! Now I have to start again....
DEVINIA - I had
a brother like that.....he was 97 when he died...just a baby.....
EMILINE - Dear
Mrs. Devinia Tanner....
This will introduce me as the 2nd oldest person in this country,
and your nemesis....
DEVINIA - Oh, I
had a few of those, very unpleasant.....
EMILINE -
NEMESIS....not ENEMAS! I am your nemesis because I am sick and
tired of being number two! I am hereby
giving you notice that on the ninth of July of this year, at 3pm, I will be coming to your home where I plan to
kill you.
Warmest regards....
etc, etc.
DEVINIA - Let me
get this straight.....you want to kill me?
EMILINE - Not
want.....am going to....
DEVINIA - Not to
change the subject, but....how did you get here?
EMILINE - I
called Uber...
DEVINIA - I
thought you had to use a computer or one of those newfangled phones.....
EMILINE - No,
there's a phone number.
DEVINIA - That's
good to know because I haven't driven in ten years now, and I sure hate being dependent on my grandchildren!
EMILINE - Same
here.....it wasn't that expensive considering it was 250 miles....but you're distracting me! Please don't
do that! I get very easily
distracted.....
DEVINIA - I
completely understand, especially after a long trip, and having to go to the bathroom.....
EMILINE - I told
you I don't have to go! We stopped for lunch at McDonald's in Candleburg.....nice bathroom, by the
way...
DEVINIA - If you
don't have to go, why did you ask? And if you want to kill me, you can at
least explain...why?
EMILINE - I
thought I did! My whole life I have been in second place! I was the
second born.....in school, I
missed being Valedictorian by 2 points! Second place! I entered contest after contest....runner-up!
Honorable Mention! Almost! Close! But never the first place! Never! Do you
know how that feels?
DEVINIA - I
never thought about it much....it never mattered.....
EMILINE - Of
course it didn't matter....because you were always top of your class! I
had my great grandson look you
up! You were Miss TwinkleToes in the Ballet Competition when you were eight years old!
You won first place in some riding competition, and even now, when you are so old that we might as well be dead, you
are the oldest! You are the one
they come to interview! You are the one who's on the news!
YOU! Do you understand?
I want to be YOU!
DEVINIA - That I
heard.....you want to be...me! Now that's a hoot! You want to be
unable to hear 50% of anything
spoken - in person, on TV, on the phone....it's a mystery game that I play minute to minute! I have
arthritis and just went through pneumonia and gout and you want to be me! I just lost the newest of my old
friends - people in their 80s! I have to
make new friends just to have any! Me! You have to be nuts to wanna
be me!
(The two look at each other and laugh)
DEVINIA -
But...if that's what you want.....
(She takes her purse and removes the wallet hands it to
Emiline)
DEVINIA - Now
you give me your wallet and we can switch places......I think killing me would be very messy and I hate mess!
EMILINE - What
is this?
DEVINIA - It's
my ID - if you give me yours, and pay for the Uber for me to go back to your home, then I'll just be going....
(Emiline stare at her, and Devinia smiles, points at the ID)
DEVINIA- I think
it's a much better idea than killing......this way, you can have those silly interviews all month....especially
near my birthday! They drive me nuts! (Imitates reporter) 'What's your secret
for living so long?' (As herself) 'Keep breathing!'
EMILINE - Are
you suggesting we.....
DEVNIA- Switch
places.....I thought it was your idea!
EMILINE -
(Thinking) Maybe it is......Wait a minute....what if we forget
something.....actually, I can't
forget since I don't know very much about you other than all your firsts!
DEVINIA -
(Laughs) Who needs to remember anything? After 100 it's easy, but
after 110, well, it's a free
ride! They're happy if I remember what day it is!
EMILINE - Very
true....sad, but true.....but we are different people! What if someone
notices the difference?
DEVINIA - Are
you kidding? No one remembers what old people look like! Look at
our IDs!
(They compare and nod)
EMILINE - You're
right.....sad, but true.....We all look the same!
DEVINIA - So,as
they say...... are we good to go?
EMILINE - I am!
(Emiline hesitates then hugs Devinia, who is now
very excitied)
DEVINIA -
I am, too ! But first, I think I will use the little girl's room....
EMILINE - Good
idea...it's a long trip....
DEVINIA - I
thought you said it was only 250 miles....
EMILINE - At our
age, going to the doctor is a long trip!
(They giggle as the lights start to dim)
DEVINIA - Were
you really gonna shoot me?
(Emiline lifts the pistol with difficulty)
EMILINE - I
could barely carry this in my purse, so I guess....no....but I figured, if I
did kill you, what happens? Even
more publicity! Talk about fame!
DEVINIA – (Impressed)
You might even get on….The View!
EMILINE - (In
awe) The View! And I thought of something else….....how would they
take me to trial - I mean where
would they find a jury of our peers?
(The two laugh)
DEVINIA - And if
they convicted you, what could happen to you?..
DEVINIA/EMILINE
(Together) ..Sentenced to life!
(Lights dim to blackout. Not really the end!)
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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315
JanetSTigerMonologueMania.blogspot.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
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* Note: A few words about 'free' - all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty info.
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