- for a whole year!
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Note: A few words about 'free' - all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty info.
If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.
To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.
For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
Help a playwright and get more great award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site
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Monologue Mania Day # 229 by Janet S. Tiger Sept. 29, 2014
Celebrity(from the play of the same name, started 9/2011)
A monologue by Janet S. Tiger © all rights reserved
tigerteam1@gmail.com
(We
see a man onstage, MONTE CAMDEN -he is in his - wait, how old is he? Maybe 45, but tries to look younger - or is
he 50? He is dressed Hollywood chic -
black T-shirt and black suit jacket, blue jeans, sunglasses which he has on his
head, not his eyes. He talks fast, and
is very excited.)
The
question is not how much percentage I want, the question is - are you ready to be... a celebrity?
You
think I don't know what’s goin’ on with you?
I know everything about
you. It's my job to know. How do you think I arrived an hour before the
magazine reporter? Luck? No way.
I'm here early because when you sign with me, I'll have just enough time
to get you ready for that interview.
How do I know you're interested? Easy, because I know you want to be a
celebrity! And you're smart enough to
do what it takes. (Laughs ) Sure you're smart, you were smart enough to
play dumb - in front of the whole damn country!
You see, right now, only I know that you
planned the whole routine with that stupid remark on that beauty contest show. And...your boyfriend had a TV friend show the youtube video......(Smiles) ...And..... I know that your Southern accent is a big
fake, just like the rest of you. You
think you covered your tracks, and you did a pretty good job....but if I could
find you, so can others. You see, I know
how to fix that. One call and that stuff all disappears, just like your brown
hair and your Midwest accent did when you moved to that little town in western
Georgia.
(Laughs
louder now) You think you know what
celebrity is because the cameras and lights and microphones have been shoved in
your face all week, but you have no idea what you have stepped into.
That's right, you have an amazing opportunity, you have video and aural recognition throughout this last week, most people have either seen and/or heard you! And you are going to not
take advantage because you are like a babe in the woods. That's where I come in.
(He takes off his glasses and cleans them with his shirt tail.)
Do you know what celebrity is? (Gives a pause to build)
Celebrity
is...... war.
That's
it - plain and simple. Or really, as my
Dad used to say - insane and pimple.
That's right, I've been in this business from before I was born - I know
people and where the bodies are buried for three generations.
Celebrity
is a battle for who gets the limelight, and even with the Internet, the facts
are still the same as they were years ago - people only have a limited
imagination and if you can capture that, you are the one they think about. Talent is actually kind of irrelevant! Tons of people have talent.....my mother
could play the piano like an angel. But
she didn't want to be famous - and you do.
That is the key - the desire to be ....(flourish) a celebrity! And that means to do all the things
necessary, all the time. To fight - and
to fight hard - to stay on those front lines.
To smile even when you're tired, to be thinking every minute - of every
day - how you can stay in that light - or how to get back if someone has
eclipsed you. .....and honey, let me tell ya - you will be eclipsed!
You
have a very small window of opportunity.
It is a half-life that starts ticking as soon as the camera hits you the
first time. How long have you had that
spotlight on you? You say a week. It's a week ago, which is, in reality, eight
days. And you are in the super crucial week
two - still around, but fading fast.
What
will you do to keep in that spotlight?
Do you know? Have you thought it
out? Sure, you have a few gigs - whada
they pay? Fifteen grand, twenty if
you're lucky.
I
am talking about getting you onto a movie - not a big part, but the bimbo girl
who almost steals the guy. I know you
can act because I saw you do it in front of the whole country! You were prepared with what, twenty great
responses- fifty? and you made it seem like you just thought of it! You acted stupid and that is the sign of a
great actress, so you could steal this movie, and I can get you half a mill,
maybe even a full one if we can squeeze the pimple for some more publicity in
these next few days.
(Listens, waves his hands)
What does it mean? Okay, I'll be clear.
You see, I have a client, and he needs to be seen with a
woman. Understand? You know who he is - he was in that big
action movie last year, with the giant insects from Mars, and then he had the
misfortune of trying to pick up a man dressed as a lady of the night - with a
TMZ reporter driving by.
So,
he is in a pickle - and you are the pickle-picker that he could use. He's seen you on TV and- of course - he fell
in love with you immediately, and when you say yes to my representation, he
will be on a plane to meet you and be seen with you drinking and coming back
here to your room tomorrow. And TMZ will
somehow find out about this, and before they take your picture kissing Mr.
Pickle goodbye, you will have on your make-up and be ready with some more
choice lines for the press....
(Building
to a crescendo)You see what I mean...I know how to stop the slide! People know you, they recognize you, and then.....you are dating a famous actor. No one cares if you have any talent, but ..... You will be famous!
And you will stay in the full frontal view of the whole American
people! Nothing else will matter –
and I mean NOTHING! The economy could be
in the toilet, war might be breaking out on three continents, but that doesn't
matter because YOU and Lindsey Lohan had a lesbian orgy!
Before
you say yes, I want you to think about what this will mean to your life. To stay in the public eye, you are going to
have to do things that you may not like, that your family may not like, that I
can guarantee you your boyfriend here is gonna hate. (Starts to really build this) You will have to be seen with people, and
have pictures taken....
(He spins around, building up momentum)
......and you and your
boyfriend here will need to have a very public fight and possible rendezvous
while you are with someone else . He
will have to date others as a shield, and you might have to look drunk and do
rehab and reveal how hard it was to do rehab and fall off the wagon - you will
have to gain weight and lose it, at one point you may have to break up a
marriage,and if absolutely necessary there is always the possibility of a near
death car crash!......(Calms a little)
...and this is just year one!
Now
you say 35 per cent is high for what I'm doing - hell, I should ask more! Your mathematical boyfriend here should be
able to figure out that 100 per cent of 20 grand is not as good as 65 per cent
of a million!
Have
I sold you? I hope so. I think you can do it - you have the drive
and the smarts to do what it takes.
You've gotten this far by making quick decisions, now, you have exactly
two minutes to make this one, because time is money and that reporter will be
here very soon. And if you say no, I am
on my way to the next Youtube nutcase and I can almost guarantee that in two
weeks, you will be the proverbial paper under the birdcage in terms of how
people think of you.
Gone. You have worked too hard to get here, so
you decide - are you ready to be a celebrity? You
have two minutes....
(He
puts his sunglasses on and starts to walk off, stops, looks back.)
Two minutes ........to get your fifteen minutes of fame.......
(He
smiles, then exits. The end)
---------------------------------------------------------------
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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
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